I'm 23 days into recovery and feeling really good. To keep myself motivated I just want to go through a few feelings of a "normal" gambling day. What used to happen to me physically and mentally.
So... Money in my pocket, day off, "do you want anything from the shop babe"
"Yea we need milk, toilet roll and something for dinner"
"Ok darling back in a bit"
Now... This is the time to gamble. I'm going in. Heart is racing (no longer enjoyment) it's fear this is. I'm scared literally why am I doing this to myself? Because I want more!
I park up, I'm walking in! What am I going to do? I'd like a football bet for the weekend so my aim is to win £40 to bet on that. How shall i do it? On a dog? A horse? Let's look at the form (heart still racing) next race not for 8 minutes... Ok, walk up to the machine... Hearts pumping, in goes the first note, LOSER! 20 quid gone now I need 60! Another 20 LOSER now I need 80!! Can't afford to lose 40 quid. In goes 40 quid I'll double up now! Surely a winner in a minute! NOPE now I'm 80 down! f.ck the football bet I just want my money back! Another 40 in! LOSER now I'm in trouble! I only had 200 for the week now only got 80! I'm f@cked now! My missus is going to go mental anyway. Look up there... 6/4 favourite... 80 on that will give me everything back.
2ND...what am I going to do?
Walking out the bookies all red and heart racing! Feel terrible. Realise I've got 6 quid in bank to pick up a few bits from shop! Go home my wife and daughter all happy! I need to sort this! What am I going to do?? I start applying for loans- DECLINED I start cancelling direct debits! CANCELLING the RENT! Ok that's sorted now! Now I need to borrow 200 I ring family! My wife is still unaware! I'm trembling.... I'm a compulsive gambler......
I was really choked up writing that! I'm so happy I'm 23 days clear! I'm never going to put MYSELF through that again! I'm in the right place! I'm happy! My gambling days are over! Feel free anyone to add more feelings of the hell they experience when they used to gamble!
Stay safe everyone
Gaz
Gaz,
that sounds scarely familiar, my past sounds exactly like that. That position is somewhere i never, ever want to be in again. it makes me feel physcially sick knowing i could do that. The money i have wasted could of been spent on much more productive things for the family, or put away to save...
Anyway, onwards and upwards, them days are in the past! congratulations on 23 days, keep going my friend!!
Ben
I hated the feeling it gave you. I always remember a similair scenario after getting my weekly pay from work. Literally in a matter of minutes I had lost my weeks wage, felt like hell and then rinsed and repeated this every single week.
Glad to see you are on the way to recovery buddy!
Exactly SGT a loan with a very high interest rate lol
I used to get upto all sorts of tricks it's was all part of the game not proud when I look back.
I used sneak the ex's bank card from her purse I'd start by running the tap to hide the noise then I'd check the exact position of the the purse remember where the card was go get the cash put it back in the same slot at the same angle put the purse back in her bag make sure it was lay the same put the scarf back over it.
I broke the house phone so she wouldn't get calls from payday loans or the bank and said we've got mobiles we don't even use it all we get is cold calls.
I used to up th overdraft only on a Wednesday as the letter from the bank came on a Saturday I'd say you lie in so I could intercept the post.
If she wanted to check the online banking I'd flick the wifi off and say the site was down.
On e tme she wanted to check the wedding fund in the isa I showed her what was still available for us to deposit and said that was our balance.
I was so deceitful how I got away with it for the final really bad 2 years is beyond me.
The best byproduct of me not gambling is my honesty. I was lying conniving secretive sod I could go on.
I have not told a lie in 257 days well I've told a few whites lies like the food was nice or your b*m doesn't look big. You know what I mean.
Love my honestly now could not imagine going back to living my life that way.
KTF
KTF it is people like you that I aspire to be like in 6 months to a year aswell. Your honesty is fantastic. What horrible lives we have lived. I have read your diary and see how things can improve. I'm nearly a month free of gambling now and I am confident I have cracked it this time
Hey sword I complained to everyone I. Could even the gambling commission without success they say I breached the t&cs
Hi Gaz. Great post and SO familiar!!!!!! It's so terrible feeling like that.
I actually now get a kick out of going out and genuinely going to shop and spending the £6. I know that I've been honest to myself and family.
Stay strong!! I believe in you.
o*g Gaz this could me me!I did slots online and once I'd self excluded from everywhere I started running my hubby was really impressed until I deliberately started running past bookies it was the most expensive exercise I'd ever done more expensive than a years gym membership!you have to see the funny side me standing in lycra running gear in a bookies full of blokes all staring the lengths we will go to just to gamble!I thought I would make you laugh!good luck keep up the good work dizzy
Cheers for your support on my page. Hope you continue to be gamble free. The phone line self-exclusion and making small targets to reach worked well for me. I do miss it if I'm honest, especially when I'm bored, but I know what hell it causes. All the best.
Sword love the fact you apreciate jokes .....plenty more where that came from lol x
Hey sword on much reflection I thought to hell with it I may as well put a dispute in so contacted the people you recommend I'm expecting a legal loophole where they can get away with it but in my head I was thinking how much debt I could pay off with that money no thought about gambling thanks for your kindness hope u r still going gamble free and strong xxx
I have just read that only 20%goes in the punters favour so going to forget about it now and not dwell but thanks alot
Thank you for your kind post and glad you had a fab day.
Best wishes
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
