I joined this forum earlier this year. I was so determined to quit gambling for good. I have tried G.A. meetings, one to one counselling and have self excluded from casino's.
I started a recovery diary just after I got diagnosed with breast cancer recently and never took it any further than a few days.
I am in hell at the moment, a place I truly hope I can come back from.
I was determined after my breast cancer surgery that I would never have another slip, that I would devote my time and energy to my recovery from breast cancer.
I attended the hospital a couple of weeks after surgery for results. I was told it wasn't in my nodes, thank God!
Unfortunately though I've had to wait for further test results because it was invasive cancer....so of there's a chance of it spreading elsewhere in my body or recurring and this last test will tell if I need chemo. I am definitely going to have weeks of radiotherapy and hormone meds aswell.
What happened in the midst of all this? Well my ex owed me money and he transferred it straight into my account on nov 7th.
I didn't actually know how to feel when I saw it there...yes I was expecting it but not the whole amount that he lodged.
Now someone else probably would have danced for joy, done cartwheels practically up and down the street and then maybe booked a holiday to help their recovery of cancer, or even planned what they were going to do with the money sensiblly.
Me? Oh I left it there to ponder on...paid off a few debts and then BOOM....yep I gambled with it...The only think I actually bought with the money was a nail kit for a friend in hospital as she likes to keep her nails groomed!
I am left with hardly anything since I paid off gambling debts with it and gambled some more of it then, and the guilt is worse than anything I have ever ever known in my life. Really guys this has had such a bad affect that when I go to the hospital to find out what my treatment is this coming week I want to tell them I can't have the treatment as I feel so unfit from the stress! Crazy I know!
The guilt of having spent money that my ex gave me to cover my debts and having gambled some too I feel like s**t
I feel like I deserve nothing good in life, that I am a worthless piece of c**P.
This man will be paying this money back as I am almost sure he borrowed the money to pay me back.
I hope I am making sense.... I feel like a dead loss. I have such beautiful kids and when I think of what I could have done for them with that money too. I can't stop the figures circulating around my brain.
I have contacted an organisation near where I live....I had tried one nearer to me and the keyworker told me I didn't have a gambling problem, that I just needed to sort my personal life out and my gambling would stop! She said they don't deal with gamblers, only drug addicts.
So I went to this other organisation and they have been fantastic. I have been put in touch with one of their counsellors who deals specifically with gambling. I won't give up the fight but please someone tell me how do I get over the shame of money having to be used to clear debts that my ex is paying off through a loan...it doesn't matter to me that he owed it to me.
Then there is the way my mood has altered and I have become depressed. My kids are young adults now and they know about my gambling problem. I told them as I wanted to be honest...they are very supportive but now I wish I had sheltered them from that knowledge as they need not have known.
What a sad and sorry mess I am and truly despise myself right now....
Hi Alannah,
You have so much going on in your life right now. It is going to be difficult but you need to take just one day at a time. That money is gone. Your kids need you more than they need that money right now so you have to put your health first. If you don't gamble from today onwards , your life will be so different. Self exclude from those online slots. That makes it easier to resist the strong urges. Your head must be wrecked and my heart goes out to you. Do you have anyone who can manage your weekly income so that you have only the minimum amount of money ?
Take care ,
Suzy
Hi Suzy thanks for your reply. What hurts the most is that I have let my kids down. My son said he never saw this slip coming...I said neither did I and my daughter said that's what's scary. I am raging with myself that I didn't cover up my demeanour better to save them worrying...the money would not have been missed so they wouldn't have guessed by that but I am no good at hiding anything and so they know and then I said it to them... The money I feel bad about coz I could have spent it on them..and also because it was money my ex paid me back so should have put it to better use.
I love my kids so so much and I have a strong bond with them but I fear I will or have already lost that to a degree and I don't want gambling to take them away from me so I am determined to stop. It's a long story but there are a lot of issues around me and their father who split up 6 years ago. He stays with a family member but still comes to the house daily as it is his house aswell, and even tho he pulled the plug on the relationship and I wasn't gambling at that time..I somehow feel responsible. Ye see Suzy I feel responsible for everything all the time my whole life.
I haven't done online slots love, so haven't had to exclude from those but I have excluded from the main casino I went to all the time. My friend has told me she will take care of any money for me so I have minimum availablity to cash.
Thank you Suzy for your reply it means more than you could know.
Hi Alannah,
Right now you have to put yourself first. A cancer diagnosis changes everything. You cannot be stressed. You need to forgive yourself. Your kids will go on with their own lives. For everything you did wrong, you have done so many things right. You have looked after and cared for those children. You were not high on drugs neglecting them and not feeding them when they were toddlers. You cared for them. They don't understand your slip but they will forgive you. Everyone on here understands how it could happen to you. Of course we do. Your children will help you now. It is better they know about the slip. You tried to escape from all your problems for a while. Money in the bank is the biggest trigger. I am glad you have self excluded from the local casino. You can do this Alannah. This site is full of success stories . Yes it might take you 10 slips but you will get there. That slip was part of your Recovery from gambling. Let it be your last slip and it will be a lesson well learned. An expensive lesson but that's what it takes to quit gambling once and for all. You are amongst friends on here. No one will judge you. Pour your heart out and the forgiveness will follow. It is eating you up. You have to release it and start your fight against the cancer returning. That's what counts. Being there for the children in 10 years time. You can be strong. Wrap up and go for a long walk and clear your head. Talk to yourself and say " Yes I did wrong to waste that money but I have learned my lesson well . Never again. I am starting over. That was the old me. This is the new me".
I will be thinking of you today and will say a little prayer for you . Keep posting ,
Suzy x
Suzy thanks again for your post, can't tell ye how much it means. Today was a bit better, I am still feeling awful about the money as we are talking thousands here in total that's gone. However today the air cleared a lot and I feel things are on a much better level again as regards my kids, especially my daughter as she was really upset. She does understand but it was more about the affect it had on me and then of course that only worries and upsets them God love them.
They know I do my very best for them at all times and they have never suffered finacially but I can tell ye Suzy that last slip scared the living daylights out of me more than I ever thought I could be scared.
I believe you are right and it has taken a massive loss in one go, not just financially but in my self confidence and also one hell of a soul whipping to me, to ever want to let that happen again....I have to make sure now it doesn't as I am fighting not just for my life and to make sure the cancer is gone completely and stays that way...but also for my relationships not to be demolished by this, those with my kids and others close to me and also very importantly to keep my mental health in tact.
I spoke at length with a fellow GA member today and I am waiting now to hear back from an addiction counsellor this week.
I am away down the country tomorrow for a couple of days so hopefully that will help clear my head a bit too.
Once again thanks so much Suzy xx
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