Relapsed again, feel like I don't deserve my partner.

Hi, 

You absolutely do deserve her. This is an illness you’re battling with, please don’t forget that. 

All you can do is be completely transparent. Firstly, it will be a big weight off your shoulders but also it will set the ball rolling.

Do you gamble online? You need to put the blocks in place and close that door.

I came clean to my husband over 2 years ago now but I wasn’t completely honest, thought if he knew about some of the debt, then I could deal with the rest. We also didn’t put things in to place and I still had access to all money. I did stop for 5 months but I got complacent and the doors were left open for me. 

Last July I hit rock bottom, had tripled the debt and broke down. I also too didn’t think I deserved anyone after that, but he is still standing by me today. I’m currently 320 days gamble free. I let go of the guilt and forgot about the money lost, because there is nothing that can be done now. 

Take one day at a time and access any help and support you can grab hold of. Also remember, you are not alone!!

Claire x

How much did u lose just so we know the severity of the emotion and options moving forward? 

@old-but-new this time I lost about £700, but it's more I promised I wouldn't do it again that's eating me up. In total I've probably last around £5000 this year now which hurts especially since the reason I got hooked was from a large win which have helped so much in my situation 😞 it is hard to except where I am now l, from where I could have been, even if I had never gambled in the first place.

She has a large amount saved up and has worked hard for it, now I feel like I'm hardly bringing anything to the table. She lives in the USA and I'm meant to be moving there next month. I told her about this and now she is worried about trusting me understandably. And has some resentment with how hard she has worked and saved for a home. I  feel like I am going to have to try so hard to earn money out there. I have already told her when I'm there I plan on sending everything I do have still even though it's not much compared to her. But then I won't have anything in my accounts to be tempted with again.

I've visited in the past whilst having this problem and have been fine for the months I visited. I am a lot more happy when I am there with her all, and a lot more busy. I think this all started because I tried gambling as a quick fix and was already feeling low, and it did work, but then I got hooked and lost everything and then a significant amount of my own money 😣

@cpparch thank you Claire for the reassurance and kind words. She was angry but happy I told her what I had done. Hoping this will be the time it has hit home that I risk losing her if I ever go back online.

@1p7eoyw82m i feel u mate although remember u still have alot going for u! I lost £500 today in 45minutes, £2290 in about a month and that was off my first credit card of a limit if £3000 and iv spent that much in one month!

my income is £500 per month… iv never really been in a relationship and have lifelong depression which comes and gos but when things like this happen its so unbearable i feel im going to have a seizure

i know sometimes the amount of money lost means nothing when it normally leads to much more loss and can also be mentally as bad as more loss. Every time i loose a large amount im so rock bottom the only relief i can get from the situation is tell myself it could have been worst i could have lost double the amount “whatever it was”! Not to mention im self excluded and have to think about gambling every year to renew as the exclusion you can not do for life just 1year maximum! 

@old-but-new, thank you for the reply, I know the feeling it's like you can't comprehend what has just happened and it's such a shock to the system. I feel the same with the only way I feel a little better is to tell myself how I have not lost everything and I am glad I managed to stop myself and actually tell her about it. I feel guilty as I never told her my big initial win back along when this all started, but feel that was never mine in the first place and that's what actually led to all of this mostly.

I just feel bad that I have let her down so badly after saying I wouldn't do it again, can't believe how this addiction actually feels and only others who have gone through it truly understand. She couldn't comprehend why I would even go back on it. Just hoping she does forgive me and when I'm back with her my life is so different once again I manage to keep away from it. I'll give her full control as well.

Hope we can both overcome it and move on, we've lost that money and it's not coming back 😣 But in the end it is only money and our mental health is more important, that rock bottom feeling is awful. The longer we manage to stay off it the more normal we will begin to feel once again, and hopefully leave it in the past.