Relationship struggles when not gambling?

Hi Leedsfan333

I'm in the same boat as you. I've handed over full financial control and you've taken, in my view, a positive course of action.

The resentment you feel is actually the gambling 'devil' lurking deep within you sulking becuase you've taken away the rancid 'oxygen' it needs to gamble. Your partner is merely the foil who has to put up with your sulks. But you're very much doing the right thing.

You might feel that handing over financial control demeans you, is emasculating. But far from it. You're showing maturity, pragmiatism, common sense and, above all, respect. Whilst you may think, from time to time, your partner is 'babysitting' you, I'd look at it this way. Your partner is understanding, and acting as your personal banker, as you don't need cash anyway. So there's no problem.

There is a problem if the restriction isn't balanced; you still need to buy stuff and your money is still yours; you need to retain that right. But the act of purchasing what you want will be tasked to your partner. It's important to get the 'balance' right (but your partner never lets you loose with a credit card and cash you don't need),

Is it worth getting used to? I would say yes. We have to accept our weaknesses in life and deal with them. That's what you've done here. You care enough for your future, and, by implication, you partner and other people you care about in your life, that you've done this in the first place.

This may last forever. Too often I've seen on these forums a destructive relpase that undoes all of the good work, and more. So the mindset has to be, in an age where gambling and opportunity is everywhere: this is for life. But once that thoughhas permeated and accepted, you can relax and get on with life.

Whilst your partner doesn't want to read the forum, why not show her, or print out, the two posts of this thread. It may help express how you're feeling and help you both understand each other's positions better.

All the best

Mixer

Thanks the reply, Just to clarify I’m a *** women but yes it can be “emasculating” at times, well embarrassing and you can lose your identity. But I can’t complain, she’s been great, really supportive. I wrote that yesterday cos we had our first big argument since I stopped gambling, It’s a massive responsibity managing two wages, but we’ve talked it thru now. I liked the bit about the gambling being the devil and taking away its power, which is money.

We’ve got a holiday to save for now to pay off by August and we go in October. This will be a good short term goal that will be a reward of not blowing my wages, that’s what I’m working towards now.

Hi Leedsfan,

I've looked up another word to use instead of 'emasculating' and it's ... 'demeaning'. That's how it can feel when we hand over financial control.

Having short term goals, like saving for holidays, adds an excellent incentive to put our hard-earned money to good use.

Bring gambling free really does give us something to look forward to 🙂

Mixer wrote:

Hi Leedsfan,

I've looked up another word to use instead of 'emasculating' and it's ... 'demeaning'. That's how it can feel when we hand over financial control.

Having short term goals, like saving for holidays, adds an excellent incentive to put our hard-earned money to good use.

Bring gambling free really does give us something to look forward to 🙂

Definitely does. Thank you for your advice, it’s certainly done you no harm chalking up over 300 days GF (:

Hi

you should feel some sense of relief that you are handing your money over and that is a sign that you are truly ready. It not about treating you like a baby and actually you were in a prison of addiction when you thought you were free with your money.

When I was addicted I had no real control over money so it was no good for me to be pretending there was any control. I felt great when I knew I had no more access to larger amounts of cash and no access to parents bailouts which were just gambled again.

This is because If cold turkey was coming I felt ready to face it without teh danger of having access to larger anmounts of cash

I never said life becomes euphoric during recovery but there is a feeling of serenity some days that you have got it right and being gamble free feels great.

There are still lifes differences to deal with and bills to pay. Gambling was never the answer though as you realise. We always knew that really but the addiction takes us over. It does take time and over the period of recovery you will see things more clearly as time goes on.

I would say that after the first twelve months it becomes much clearer because the mind has taken a good while to readjust and heal.

Embrace the help and it can be incorporated into your daily life so you are not missing out on anything. Wheres the harm in monitoring a purchase for clothes, records or holiday trips. You will have money now that you arent chucking away by gambling.

Its about building up a pride and trust. My best advice is that you can never be complacent

It shouldnt be too hard though and its far better than a life of gambling

Best wishes

Joydivider wrote:

Hi

you should feel some sense of relief that you are handing your money over and that is a sign that you are truly ready. It not about treating you like a baby and actually you were in a prison of addiction when you thought you were free with your money.

When I was addicted I had no real control over money so it was no good for me to be pretending there was any control. I felt great when I knew I had no more access to larger amounts of cash and no access to parents bailouts which were just gambled again.

This is because If cold turkey was coming I felt ready to face it without teh danger of having access to larger anmounts of cash

I never said life becomes euphoric during recovery but there is a feeling of serenity some days that you have got it right and being gamble free feels great.

There are still lifes differences to deal with and bills to pay. Gambling was never the answer though as you realise. We always knew that really but the addiction takes us over. It does take time and over the period of recovery you will see things more clearly as time goes on.

I would say that after the first twelve months it becomes much clearer because the mind has taken a good while to readjust and heal.

Embrace the help and it can be incorporated into your daily life so you are not missing out on anything. Wheres the harm in monitoring a purchase for clothes, records or holiday trips. You will have money now that you arent chucking away by gambling.

Its about building up a pride and trust. My best advice is that you can never be complacent

It shouldnt be too hard though and its far better than a life of gambling

Best wishes

What wise words, thank you!

I think I need to remind myself I’m fortunate there’s someone who’s supporting me in this, there’s worse things in life and I think makes her happier as she isn’t wondering if we’re gonna be skint on payday.

The next two pay months will be tight but after that we should be fine. It would be amazing to put money by, I know I can do it if remain GF but that’s still a long way off.

My relationship struggles had nothing to do with handing over money, I just didn’t know how to live without my poison. I’m still very lost as to how I went from a strong confident woman to a jibbering mess in such a short period of time but I’m coming out the other side of that chaos a happier, calmer, more grateful person. Although I don’t appear to have suffered the full effects of addiction kicking my self esteem into touch, I am coming to terms with some harsh realisations that perhaps I’m not quite as great as sliced bread :-0 It felt for so long like a money problem that it still shocks me after all my time here & with friends I have met along my recovery trail, reading & learning & accepting that it is a mind problem when I find something to affirm that.

Your addict brain is resenting having to give up control of the money & then it kicks you twice as hard for feeling resentment! That’s what it does, promises us the fairytale but adds injury to insult instead. My now husband buried his head in the sand with it all, although I handed over untold bank cards & internet accounts & credit cards & loan details he couldn’t see it was a problem...Even when I never left my pit except to go to work, he just thought I was lazy (I am but that’s besides the point)! I did continue for a while, encouraging him to keep an eye on the accounts & @ times berated him for not understanding why I need to go to GA but this is my problem & although he is affected by it, he doesn’t need to try to understand & now I’m just grateful that we have the relationship that we do.

There was a huge difference for me between abstaining & recovery or re(dis)covery as I now think of it because I gambled my entire adult life & only now am I learning how to really live it.

Keep reading & learning, it can get better - ODAAT

Is there a way that you can do all the work but never know any log in or passwords? I have found - as the gambler - it's been quite good, all money under my wifes control but she hates doing that type of admin so I actually do it all, she just has to log me in and for new payments has to put in extra security details - it is a faff at times but it does make us talk about money like never before and it does mean I am not absolved of responsibility - actually although only 431 days GF as I type this, it makes me realise how useful I have found this approach! - my wife also hates remebering passwords etc, we have them written down, spend £25 on a safe and they are kept there, only my wife knows the safe combi and whilst it can be overridden by keys, the keys are hidden at her parents house, which is a 4 hour round trip

very sad she has had to go to those lengths but its working for me and us

My wife took a slightly different approach. when i admitted everything [been caught 3 times previously] i told her she could have control over my finances. she actually said she didnt want to, we have a 5 year old daughter and we both work full time and have another baby on the way and she said she already is going to have to look afte r2 children and work full time she is not taking on me as well. As frustrating as this was, she was giving me another chance so i was not going to argue. but like many of you i now choose to leave my cards at home and i did get my wife to scratch off the 3 numbers on the back of my cards so i cant use them online. so for me its hard as that block is not in place but it does feel so much better and really made me feel that i wanted to do this for me by being able to do it while still in control of my money. who knows if i will relapse in the future because of this but all i know is right now i am GF and feel great about it :]

good luck on your journey x