Rock bottom

Just to add if anyone is reading this.. I am a total mess and I hate myself in all aspects of my life. I’m a compulsive eater, I am a heavy smoker, I have had very serious shopping and spending habits in the past, I go from not drinking at all to heavily drinking myself into a mess, I pull my hair and pick my skin eccesively. I’m an absolute mess and if it wasn’t for my children I would not be here anymore.

Hi Amy, I’ve literally just joined this site in the last ten minutes and yours is the first post I’ve read. I can’t offer any advice or guidance as I’m only just trying to do something about my gambling problem. All I can say is I hope you’ve got the strength to get through this and you’ve taken the right first step by joining this site and being honest x

Hi Jessie, thank you for the nice reply. I am just reading through tons of diaries and threads, there is a sense of relief just by knowing that your not alone with this horrible problem. I hope u can find the support u need on here too! X

Well meet your sister Amybeee!...I just wrote a post on my diary an hour ago describing a very similar pattern to you. Have a look at that last post...we are sisters from another mister! You are not alone....We are addictive by nature but we can change our ways. Im 15 years older than you and its only now I am taking stock of my addictive life...its only now I am ubderstading that I have to change my ways if I want to have the life I deserve. You are so young...whole life ahead of you, so if you act now you will not find yourself like me in 15 years. I would love to be back to 12 years ago when all this started for me. I always had the addictive type traits...but it is only when gambling hit me that it took the life out of me and now I am forced to face up to reality and take life by the horns. Today is the day...please dont wait 12 years like I did.

Hi valdab..well I have just had a read of the post u said and I feel like it could of been me writing it! It is absolutely me, especially with the all or nothing (dieting my entire adult life... still very overweight) as I’m either 100% and losing big or eating EVERYTHING as I’m having an off day (most days, in fact all days if I’m being honest!!) well thank u for replying to me, I will keep reading through ur diary. Also, thank u for the advice. It’s a scary thought to be stuck in this rut of another day never mind years so I need to really get a grip of myself now. Hopefully speak soon. Amy X

Glad something I said helps Amy...don't beat yourself up...its not worth it. Nothing anyone could ever say to me could make me feel worse than the things I say to myself sometimes....and Im sure you feel the same. When you have time have a look on you tube for some videos on addiction. It doesnt matter if its food or drink, drugs or gambling...the addiction process seems to be the same. There are some really excellent TED talks on there. I know not of these things don't mean a thing unless we make the change.However...you cant change unless you understand the problem in the first place. I think this is truely the first stage of recovery. It isnt just simply a case of stopping...heck I am excellent at stopping...Ive done it many times!! Its the staying stopped (whether over eating,smoking etc) that matters...otherwise whats the point in going through the withdrawl stage if we have to repeat the cycle over again. Withdrawel is only a temporary pain...making the permanent changes is what we need. We all want a quick fix...but just like fad diets...they dont work longterm. Lifestyle change is whats needed. Yes you lose the weight...only to pile it on plus alot more the next time. Just like gambling. I know coz I have been living that life...but no more!! Lets do this!

So today I completely changed my daily routine and got myself out of the house. It’s pay day so very dangerous for me to get home from school, make a brew and start a day of despair as usual. I tried to treat myself when out and about, something I never ever do as I can’t justify spending money on myself (stupid and ridiculous I know) so upto now things are good. It’s only half the day gone and I am feeling uncomfortable and anxious but I’m trying my hardest to get past it. Trying to keep busy will be good for me I think. So I’m off to clean up yey!!

To reply to Valdab, I took your advice on the YouTube vids I’m addictive gambling and I watched loads last night and looking forward to some more tonight. I found it really helpful actually so thank you for recommending it. Something that hit a nerve with me is the value of money to me. I absolutely hate being skint and just getting by especially as we have a good income coming in, but when it comes to betting it’s literally just numbers on a screen and it means nothing to me, win or lose. And someone asked what was more important, winning a bit of extra cash or happiness with your life and family. Iv never actually thought of it like that before and it’s really go me thinking in a positive way, I have all I need here so why risk it for money?? Let’s hope this sinks in my silly brain!!

I hope you got through today ok and are feeling a bit better! I don’t have kids but have a really good job in London and work long hours all to Just gamble my money away. It’s such a vicious circle and it’s hard to get out of it. I also have payday loans etc and as soon as I get them I stick the money online. I’ve not gambled since Monday and registered with a site called Gamstop today which excludes you from gambling on sites in the UK. If you’ve not done this maybe you should try it x

Hi Jessie, well done for not gambling since Monday, that’s a great achievement! Iv had a good day regarding not going online to gamble, the first time in probably 2 years. I must admit it has been a great struggle, everything in me wants to just sign up to another unblocked site and deposit, but iv tried desperately hard to not go there and so far so good ( I know 1 day is not much but it’s very good for me) I can imagine it is very frustrating to work for nothing basically, I hope u can break the cycle! X

So day 1 is complete. This is a big accomplishment for me, but all I can say is I hope it gets easier 🙁

Day 1 is the hardest Amy! Well done...I cannot believe what mugs we have been. Seriously! Did we really think we were ever going to do well out of gambling. Its the devil Amy...stay well clear. Im in the angry stage today...angry for being such an a**e repeating the cycle so many times and ending up worse off each and every time....But not this time...this ship has sailed!! NEVER AGAIN! Good luck today...weather will be nice...go have some fun!

Well done fodone getting through day 1, how are you feeling today x

Hello Amybeeee

Thank you for joining the forum. we're glad you've found reading the posts helpful these past few months and that you now feel able to share your story.

It sounds as though your self-esteem is very low right now and you don't like yourself. That's so sad. You might find you are stronger than you know - after all, you have taken the step to share your story here, you've registered with GAMSTOP which is a great start, and you've got through day 1 which is a great achievement.

You said you were testing the boundaries of Gamstop by finding sites which haven't signed up to it yet. Why not nip that in the bud by installing blocking software to stop you being able to open any gambling websites? You can find out more about that option at the GamCare website:
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software

It's worrying that you feel that if it wasn't for your children you wouldn't be here. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues. Are you getting help for these - maybe from your GP? Or a local mental wellbeing service?

Have you considered giving the GamCare helpline a call? it's free, its on 0808 8020 133, or chat to us on the NetLine if you prefer online communication. Link is at the top of this page.

There's a lot of support we can offer you such as free 1:1 counselling, and we can tell you about more practical things you can do to minimise your opportunities to gamble.

Do give us a try if you haven't already, and keep posting,

Best wishes,

Deirdre
Forum Admin