Rock bottom

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(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Thank you for the reply. Yes it is absolutely true that I have bad anxiety and low self esteem, but it’s something iv had since being young so I don’t know any different. I am going to look into counselling and more help and support as I feel utterly desperate right now. My 1 day streak came to a crashing end this morning, so I am certain now that I am a pathetic person with zero will power and can’t control myself. I want to draw a line under it today but I found it so so hard that I can’t see it happening. Thanks to all who has took the time to comment, I really appreciate it and as someone with no friends it feels very nice to have genuinely good people taking the time to talk to me. Hope everyone is having a good day x

 
Posted : 4th May 2018 12:40 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Aw Amy stop, you are breaking my heart hearing you talk like that. We all have relapses, its very normal unfortunately with addiction.Draw that line...tomorrow is a new day. Pick up the phone and make that appointment with the councellor. Taking the first step is always the hardest. You can do this...you have to do this...for you and your kids. Changes dont happen over night as much as we want them to. This is going to be a long journey, but it doesnt have to be a painful one. Sometimes everything seems to get on top of us all at once. We feel overwhelmed and going round in circles not knowing what to do or how to do it. You need a break from your own head.I think talking things out with a councellor face to face will help you enormously...give it a go. Dont try to do everyhing and fix everything at once. Its one step at a time Amy. You are on here so you have taken the first step. Do you know what your trigger was today for gambling...was it chasing the losses..or lonliness...or boredom?

 
Posted : 4th May 2018 5:26 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Hi Valdab, thanks again for a lovely reply. Yes today my trigger was boredom and feeling low. I take my daughter to nursery and come home and don’t know what to do with myself, it almost felt like it happened without me being aware of it if that makes sense... i didn’t think about anything and felt numb during and after. I am really thinking about speaking to my husband tonight and confessing all. He’s such a wonderful man and it scares me that I could lose him but I think it’s for the best to tell him. Sorry to come across so downbeat, u are right about everything going on at once and I am always going round a vicious circle. I try to control everything all at once or fall to pieces, always one or the other! Anyway, how r u? How has your day been x

 
Posted : 4th May 2018 7:11 pm
xangel11x
(@xangel11x)
Posts: 113
 

I think I can realte to how you are feeling, that sense of loneliness when your kids are at school and your husbands at work, not knowing what to do with yourself, that's the worst trigger for gambling or any addiction I have come to learn over the years. I can totally be there with you on that one.

This addiction knows when to get you, when you are most vulnerable which I have been most of my life to be honest. It's sad but it's never too late to start from day one. What helped me more than anything was to read read and read on here, you fianlly realise you are not alone. Gambling makes you feel alone even though you only do it because you felt alone.. makes no sens logically does it? But addiction isn't logical.

If you don't take that first step then your rock bottom is going to hit even lower than rock bottom, do it, believe in yourself and once you get the help you need which has been suggested in posts before mine.. you will feel fantastic x

Much love to you x

 
Posted : 4th May 2018 7:47 pm
(@Anonymous)
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I’ve gone beyond rock bottom and have had to involve insolvency procedures (the worst one). I wish I’d found this site sooner and discussed my situation with people who ‘know’. My wife is supporting me now I’ve confessed and she (and the authorities) have given me a second chance (which I didn’t deserve) I’ll be visiting this site regularly from now to offer my support to all. If I can’t pay my debts then hopefully I can be of more use supporting others. I have debts to repay that by far exceed the sums I gambled. Good luck to all of you. X

 
Posted : 4th May 2018 8:34 pm
(@Anonymous)
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I will reply to people’s posts soon just busy but wanted to write a quick entry for my diary. Told my husband today and he said to me... do u think I’m stupid, I already know!!! I’m totally shocked and feel very foolish. On the plus side he is very supportive and took it all really well. I feel like a huge cloud above my head has gone. Catch up soon x

 
Posted : 5th May 2018 11:48 am
(@Anonymous)
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Hi, how is everyone doing? I still am not gf as I caved this morning, although it was a very small deposit compared to previous ( I know that doesn’t make it any better) and I am again very annoyed at myself.

Spoke to hubby yesterday and came clean about everything. He wasn’t happy but he said hopefully now things can get better and work together to move past it. I feel so so guilty, it’s making my stomach churn and I can’t eat anything or sleep.

I wish I could change myself. I want to do so much but have absolutely no motivation. Does anyone have any tips on getting yourself motivated to move and do stuff rather than stay at home all the time x

 
Posted : 6th May 2018 11:53 am
xangel11x
(@xangel11x)
Posts: 113
 

Get involved in some of the activities on this forum, when you're feeling alone and feeling bored come here.. that's what I'm doing, some of the things that have helped me get motivated are reading this forum every day, every day there's a new story or new inspiration for me...

Maybe you could what I did and join the 2018 challenge http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/2018-challenge-0

Or the Guru challenge http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/join-guru-challenge

Start with day one at a time, tell yourself that just for today you wont gamble, then count up those days it's an amazing realization, it's the only way to stop that stomach churning, every morning you wake up you wont feel that horrible feeling, you will feel fantastic when you have told this addiction to leave you alone.

You can channel your energy into so many positive things. Feeling alone and bored doesn't have to be destructive, it could be beautiful once you tell this addiction to leave you alone and the rewards are even more amazing x

 
Posted : 6th May 2018 4:30 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 6144
Admin
 

Hi Amybeee,

it is good that you have come clean to your husband and that he has offered to support you going forward. It is also very positive that you keep posting on the Forum.

I would also recommend that you have a look at blocking software, here you can find some information on that:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software

Also you can make use of the new Gamstop website, sign up and self-exclude as an additional measure:

https://www.gamstop.co.uk/

We generally also recommend limiting access to money, and one way you could achieve that is to order replacement cards for your debit and credit cards and ask your husband to scratch off the last three digits of the security code on the back before he gives you the cards. This way you can use the cards in shops and withdraw cash, but won't be able to use the cards online.

If you want to stop, it is essential that you have blocks in place, otherwise the cycle continues.

Please feel free to get in touch with our Helpline (0808 8020 133) or Netline for further advice and support, we will be open until Midnight today as well.

Wishing you all the very best for your continued journey.

Eva

Forum Admin

 
Posted : 7th May 2018 10:36 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Amy....how are you getting on? So glad you opened up to your hubby and he is being supportive. Regarding getting moving...do you happen to have a fitness monitor like a pedometer/fitbit?. They are a great movitor starting off as you can really monitor your progress...just a thought.Will get you out and about, walking/running or just generally moving!

 
Posted : 8th May 2018 9:06 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Hi Valdab, how r u?

I have had a rough few days and avoided this site as I couldn’t face it. Still opened new random casino sites and still losing money, but today I went out early, bought a pedometer watch and also used the money I would for the slots on something productive... a gym membership! I woke up really early and decided I can’t do this c**P any more. I need to be busy to keep my mind off things so that is my plan, also to lose a bit of weight so there’s something new to focus on. I am also taking my youngest daughter to a mums and tots group today, something that I have never done due to nerves and anxiety. So today seems to be a positive day!

How are things with you? Hope u are well x

 
Posted : 9th May 2018 9:20 am
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Hi caught up. Thank u so much for your reply, it was really lovely and it cheered me up šŸ™‚

So today I have not gambled, and I know it will last for today as once the kids are home and hubby I don’t even think about it, it’s when I’m home alone in the day with only myself for company which for some reason I can’t stand!

Yes I hope we all become fit and healthy with our walking and healthy mindset. It’s still a novelty to use a Fitbit so I keep checking my steps every 5 minutes and trying to get them up to 10,000. They are defo good for a kick up the b*m!

Regarding the comment about me seeming like a nice lady who gives myself a hard time, thank u for saying that. I am trying to see positives about myself as it is something I have never done. It feels very nice to not hate myself for a change!

I hope u are well and still on the road to recovery! Take care, Amy x

 
Posted : 9th May 2018 6:33 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Morning! Wow 17 days is brilliant keep it up! And well done on getting focused and organised.. I intend to do the same.

I am feeling very upset today like I will burst into tears at any minute. I don’t know why but I think I’m actually coming to terms with what iv actually done, money that iv lost and the realisation of what I stand to lose. Iv not give in yet and this is only day 2 GF but I am really craving it. I even dreamt that I was playing slots last night ( how sad) so I know this is going to be harder to stop than I could of imagined. Sorry for the downbeat post, just feeling very low and sad today šŸ™ x

 
Posted : 10th May 2018 10:01 am
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Iv been looking at my online banking, only the last 3 months cos I can’t bear to see the actual damage. It’s actually disgusting and I honestly and truthfully didn’t realise it was so much. I don’t have much money myself and I rely on husbands income so to have us both skint cos of my selfishness is just knocking me sick. And yet at the forefront of my mind I am thinking of a site I can access to gamble. What the hell is wrong with my brain?????

Will resist the urge. I promise I will resist, I have to. My family need me to. Amy x

 
Posted : 10th May 2018 10:15 am
xangel11x
(@xangel11x)
Posts: 113
 

Bless your heart, don't beat yourself up too bad as this addiction has got hold of so many of us and right now I feel you are going through something very similar to me. That guilt and awful feeling of the damage we have caused will always be there, theres nothing we can do to change that but what we can change is that we wont do any more damage. I think in my case I have to look forward and not focus too much on what's been done, if not I will make myself feel more depressed which will more than likely lead to me wanting to gamble even more, whats done is done.

If you stay strong you will be able to look forward to a fantastic life for you and your family and the feeling of feeling great every day because you beat this horrible destructive addiction. I believe you can do it, I am only on day 17 of GF but after so many years of waking up in the morning every day feeling bad about what I had done the day before and how much money I had given to this gambling monster instead of my family, it really is a great feeling every day to not have that sick feeling in my stomach.

Keep looking forward and stay strong for you and your family, we are all with you on this journey and those urges can subside, hang in there x

 
Posted : 10th May 2018 11:11 am
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