Hi,
Back in June 2019, I had to admit to my partner that I believed I had a gambling problem. This was mainly with Slots and Sports Betting. Over the course of early 2019, I had mange to rack up 2 x £2000 loans the keep out of my overdraft. My partner was very upset, moreso that I didn't tell her I had a problem. She was beyond shocked I was able to spend that amount of money online. I said that would be the end of it. She bailed me out of my overdraft of £2000.
After this, I had myself signed up to GamStop, which was very useful. I told my partner I shouldn't be allowed to gamble anymore, it's not possible.
Then, 9 months later, I've been betting on Online Poker through a friend's account, and using my bank card to fund it. The money had come from our joint account and now we are on the verge of splitting.
I've now come to realise that I can block my bank cards from gambling. I've now admitted to myself I have a problem I need to fix. I've told my family and friends I have a problem, and never to let me use any account of theirs again. I've offered to go to GA when lockdown is over, I've even offered to get professional help. I want to save my relationship, but I feel like the writing could be on the wall. The addiction took over and I've now put blocks in place for that.
She should leave me for the harm I've done to her, but I really want her to be there with me on my journey of recovery. We have been together nearly 8 years and I feel like it's a huge thing to throw away everything we love about each other for this. I have seen gambling destroy lives and it's destroying mine, hence why I want the help that is available.
Any advice?
Hi..... well first of all well done for being here in the first place and try to hold on to the thinking that you WILL go to a GA meeting when this virus thing is done.in the meantime and to side with you on your journey here is a pdf leaflet link to help your partner understand a little more... if this works ...
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/app/uploads/2019/11/Affected-Others-leaflet-General-Updated.pdf
Now... back to you... this is a no-mess question for yourself... DO YOU REALLY WANT TO REMOVE GAMBLING FROM YOUR LIFE ENOUGH?
If yes then we are here to help you as we have exactly been you and know the guilt and shame that is you now.
The three things that ALLOW you to gamble...
Money, time, access...
Stop ANY one of these three things then you CANT gamble. SIMPLE.
Take away your money... give ALL access to your money, cards, bank accounts, loans, cash, EVERYTHING monetary wise, to someone you can trust and know will look after it to support you.
Take away your time... All the time you spent gambling now has to be filled with something else... I chose to write a journal to record all my thoughts about my gambling and how its hurt people around me...? I wrote for about four or five weeks solid... BUT I did not gamble in that time so it worked for me..
Take away your Access... Denying yourself access to something that you feel is a given right is a difficult thing to accept for most of us, but is most likely the MOST important thing for you, or someone very close to you, to undertake. Self-Exclude immediately is my advice, from wherever you can. Then, once this is done, GET SOMEONE ELSE to go onto each and EVERY site you EVER used to gamble and self-exclude from ALL of them... forget any ‘pence or pounds’ you have on any account, its gone! Give over your phone, iPads and access to any pC,s etc... WITH ALL YOUR PASSWORDS AS WELL... Sounds a bit strong but if you do this then the embarrassment and shame WILL help you to stop... but will ALSO give your friend/partner a tiny bit of confidence that you REALLY mean this (and they do NEED this part to even consider what you are telling them you are prepared to do to stop your gambling and keep them in your life?)
I wish you the best in your journey and just know that whatever you have felt or done to support your gambling then there are thousands that have done much worse, but have come out the other side better people.
Oh just one other thing... Your partner bailed you out last time.. this did not help you but allowed you to simply carry on your wasteful gambling! So if you ARE determined that they should be in your life and you actually SHOW them this message in full, (message to partner); “please, please do not ever bail this person out again?” Find another way to accept the debt is YOURS and only yours.
Blessings,
John Pops.
Hi PLH18,
Sorry to hear your story but it's a familiar one. We wait until we're caught and desperate before offering to seek help. I said sorry and I promise so many times it really lost all meaning. What I do know though is that you need to do this for yourself, not for your partner, not to keep her happy, not to get through the next few weeks before going back to normal, but for yourself because you have had enough of this addiction. Compulsive gambling is a progressive addiction, which means it gets worse and worse, so if you are able to try to get help now it could save you a lifetime of misery.
I do know a few people that have gone to GA because their partners "made" them and did really well. They were the ones who listened and saw what life could become and put the work into changing and now live happy lives with their partners.
For now though I would talk to the gamcare advisers or join the chatrooms to help you understand that you're not alone. Maybe talk to your partner as well, be honest for the first time in a long time. You'd be surprised what honesty can do.
Pop on the GA website too and look at the literature, especially the Orange and the Blue books. They will help.
Keep the page updated with your progress too.
In unity
Chris.
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