Stopped and then started again

Hi
Joe

What do you think will hurt her more, you continuing to lie or coming clean now. I found using the lie i dont want to hurt her spared me having to answer questions i didnt want to answer, it also allowed me to continue gambling. Recovery can only come from a starting point of honesty both with oneself & those around us.

Hi day@atime,

Thank you for your reply. I do believe what you say but its incredibly hard for me to admit to her that I have a problem. I have had a 4 year relationship with her and we have made plans to be together forever and have children and marriage and everything else. Admitting a problem surely would be like telling her I have lied on and off for those 4 years (I have been gambling since before I met her).

If I were to quit forever and just get by I could spare her the pain of my situation? I have admitted to myself I have a problem, I have sat here for 2 days reading gamblers anon and Gamcare posts mostly with teary eyes. I only blame myself and I am trying to put in all the systems I can to stop gambling urges and stop myself going into my gamblers haze.

I know also that if I admit this to her she will think less of me and it kills me inside. Am I selfish for trying to contain my problem?

Im not here to judge the decisions you make Joe. All i can offer you is my experiences of my recovery & the hundreds of people i have seen come through the doors of GA in my time there. I have rarely seen anybody able to cope without the love & support of those close to them. Secrets & lies only add to your shame & will increase your urge to gamble. Try & get to GA meeting there you will find people with shared experience & solutions that work.

Hi joe, I am a partner of a gambler who did not come clean to me. I had to find out and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. We have been together for 7 years and he'd been borrowing my money to gamble! I would defiantly come clean now, maybe write her a letter explaining how I feel, because if u do want a future and all those things with her then you're going to have to tell her at some point! Don't leave it too late, when you have real commitments, because then u will REALLY hurt her and it could spiral out of control. Also if u tell her, it may help u to give up, having actually told someone. She deserves to know the truth! I know it's scary..... But please do tell her. Keep my informed with how u get on!!

Tell her. If you don't, you'll always have a secret and it will always be easier to go back into it (if it's inky you who is judging you!)

Joe32 - I'm no expert pal - only stopped 8 days ago & as a kind of 'back up' I only actually self exclued myself for 6 months from most sites (So I can restart again if needs be) I was actually afraid to permanently exclude myself as I felt this would be a step too far, too soon. I know this probably sounds like the logic of a crazy fool - but perhaps that's accurate lol

The thing we both have in common is I also haven't told my partner. She's aware that I've always gambled but has no idea of just how much and as far as she's concerned it's just something I did now and again as a social thing and to try & win a few quid from time to time

I just can't bring myself to telling her the full story as I feel this was all down to me so kinda feel it's also down to me to put it right - which is what I'm now trying to do. I know most people in here will probably advise the only way to properly fix this problem is by being honest and confess 'warts & all' type of approach but for me this isn't an option for now

Funny thing is I'm pretty confident my partner would actually understand and be fully supportive - I'm not afraid of it causing our relationship major difficulties but for me I don't see what I should 'burden' her with this problem & it's my job to break it

I suppose what I'm saying Joe32 is I fully understand your reluctance to tell your partner and I also agree with most in here that say you should - but for me I just can't do it this yet either and don't know if I ever will

Good luck with whatever approach you take

Maybe turn the situation around. Imagine your wife/partner had a huge problem in her life and didn't tell you about it. How would you feel if you found out? Hurt probably. Hurt that she couldn't talk to you about it. I doubt you would say "thanks for not burdening me with that problem that is in danger of ruining your life and mine".

Let's face it, it is easier not to say anything so we don't have to admit some very unpleasant truths about ourselves. When we keep quiet it is for our own benefit and not for anyone else.

The first step is admitting you have a problem yourself, the next is telling those around you and asking for help.

I am currently 232 days gamble free and I don't know what I would have done without the support of my husband, kids, family and friends.

I give my hubby any extra money I earn to put into a savings account that he has sole cobtrol over. Since I stopped gambling in may I have managed to get out of debt, we had a great Christmas where everything was paid for beforehand so I'm not waiting for the bills to arrive still.

As soon as I talked to my hubby and family it was a relief.
Take each day as it comes and they soon add up.

There is a forum on here for your partner and family to go on as well.

Stay strong and ask for support. Together you can do it

Joe I'm no expert either I have my problems too, you can read my post 0n recovery diary section. I am still gambling but trying to get start getting control of my life. But I think that sometimes you got to take a little bit from everybody's pieces of advice above. Not everybody knows you, or your personality. But they do know about the gambling situation. However you will know what is the right thing to do. For you. ..I always believe that if a person sits quietly and meditates or just thinks if you want to call it that they already know what the right thing to do is or what they should do. Deep down they know. Hope that helps and you can spend some time thinking quietly and see what feeling comes to you and your heart as the right thing to do. Jen