Telling my wife made it real

Hello everyone,

I've been a regular reader of this forum, and from reading through lots of the posts on telling wives, reactions and insight I finally plucked up the courage to tell her (thank you to everyone on here, it's a great source of information). I will go into the details of my story in a separate diary, but the basics are I was in a low place with work, was made redundant, went to a lower place, started my own business and failed (lower still), and looked to gambling throughout that to escape (oh, and I had a child and bought a new house throughout that period too, so everything became a bit of a pressure cooker!).

I'm only just coming to terms with it all and tackling it head on, I've spoken to a counsellor on the netline on here (step 1) who arranged for someone to call me (step 2), that's a tough call by the way. The questions they take you through really bring it home as to how lonely you can be and where you are, and then they can setup a session with a face to face counsellor (step 3), which I have this Thursday. But before step 3 I really needed to tell the person most important to me (my wife).

I've been trying to talk to her for months. I've written letters, practised speeches and made plans to tell her on countless occasions, but would always come up with a reason not to, "don't ruin the weekend", "She's had a bad week at work", "Now's not the right time", etc, etc, etc. I'm not going to say to anyone you need to do it NOW but you DO need to do it. As soon as I did it was like a weight had been lifted. It was a tough conversation, but I can honestly say it's the start of my recovery. I've tried to tackle it myself many times before, but if you don't share it with someone then you'll always be able to lie to yourself and get back into difficulties.

So, my tips for anyone getting ready to tell their other half, parents, friends are as follows:

1 - Get help first. Make contact with Gamcare/GA before you tell that person, it's important that you've been through the first step yourself, as when you tell them you need to show that you're serious, you've admitted you have a problem, and for them it's easier for them to support you through that rather than them helping you to find treatment

2 - Start from the beginning. Take them right back to when you first started, talk about your emotions and where you were when you first started, they should be able to see from there how you got into problems. For me this was "I was looking to escape" then "The escape became my safe place" then "the habit took over" --> "the habit became a problem" --> "I need your help"

3 - Ask for their help. I mention it at the end of number 2 but don't defend or justify at this stage, just be remorseful and ask for their help. You want to beat this and you want the help of the person you love. You're not asking for forgiveness at this stage, you're asking for their help. Don't ask, expect or feel the need for forgiveness as that's a bit like asking for permission to do it again. Forgiveness can come later, you need their help right now.

4 - Lay EVERYTHING out on the table. This is a tough one. You need to tear the plaster off when it comes to money. You can have some strange logic going on in your head to say £10,000 sounds less than £15,000 so they won't be as mad, but if you tell them one figure, then that changes, then that changes again you lose all your credibility and you're basically reducing the amount that they can trust you. You need to say ONE figure and get it out there. For me, it was £16,000, which is an incredible amount of money to me, I know there will be others with more and other with less. It doesn't matter what this figure is. Even if the money isn't an issue you need to come to terms with it and let the other person into your world.

5 - Apologise. Make sure you apologise and make sure you do it at the right time. Get everything out first then apologise. Too early and they don't know what you're apologising for and if you miss it then you can't make it an afterthought. You've probably hurt this person and they need to know that you're sorry for it.

6 - Answer any questions honestly. Don't lie or bend the truth. This is about coming clean and opening up to this person. You need to answer any question they have clearly and honestly, don't hold back and encourage them to ask as many questions as they want. You're not going to tell them again and this is the chance to do it properly. Just remember if you don't tell someone the whole story they'll fill in the gaps themselves.

Be prepared for any reaction, but don't be afraid. The thing that was stopping me telling my wife for months was losing her. The house. The kids.Everything. It was only when I couldn't think of another way out that I came clean. Her reaction was not what I was expecting and it made all my dark thoughts seem almost silly. It was amazing how she reacted. She could see I had a problem, she knew how and why I got into this, I explained the money situation and she had all the information in front of her, she then nodded and said "I'll help you through this" gave me a hug and we sat and talked for about an hour. We're in this together now and I feel amazing for it. The longer you put off telling that person there's more chance of a) your problem getting worse b) them finding out without telling them c) you damaging your relationship as a result. It really is the right thing to do.

Anyone that managed to get to the bottom of this message then good luck. I hope this message has helped. Don't let things get away from you and ask for the help of the people that you love. It's those people that are most important in your life. Don't lose them.

Adam