The Chains Are Broken

What a lovely post AL and so clear to hear the pride in your voice as I read it back , not only pride in your Grandchildren but most importantly the pride being restored to yourself and your life is plain to see . 

We've spent far too long oblivious to what's going on in our lives and shackled to addiction and as the title of your post say's " The chain's are indeed broken "  .

Enjoy your morning my friend , you deserve it :)) . 

Hi Dave & A9,

Thanks again for your words of support & kindness. Another school run over & i'm soaking wet. Had to tell the little one off this morning for being horrible to his 7 year old brother & only the eldest one gave me a hug before he went into school. The 5 year old just turned his back on meas i held out my arms lol.

I read your posts before we set off and it's true A9 i do feel a sense of pride when i see them going into school. and you know what i feel proud of myself. This time last year i wasn't contributing at all to our family, financing the next gamble were the only thoughts in my mind. I was so solitary & thoughts of getting children to school, sitting listen to them read a school story book were quite alien to me.

When i logged in my profile said i joined on the 24th of August 2018. Although i haven't gambled there was little interaction with others for the first few months. All i wanted to do was wallow in how much i hated myself & how worthless i was. Who knows maybe punishing ourselves is part of the healing process.

You're so right Dave when you say precious time and relationships in healthy ways. I'm learning everyday & feel despite my past i am a better man ( far from perfect ) but so much better. Thoughts of gambling still come & go but now i'm not totally consumed & controlled by them. They're slowly but surely being replaced by that sense of pride you describe A9. What a difference a few months of abstinence can make.

I was physically drained & mentally quite damaged when i first came here, without any sense of hope & resigned to the fact i was never going to be any good. Now i feel a great joy & sense of pride in all our 7 grandsons. The eldest one's nearly 16 and doing his A levels right now and his teachers are expecting him to do well. In August ( i think it's August ) on results day his mam & dad have asked me if i'd like to come along & see him receive his results. I'm counting the days,just can't wait to share weather it brings him joy or disappointment. All i want from him is to do what i'm learning to do right now BE THE BEST HE CAN.

Sincere Best Wishes Both

AL

Hi Al

can I just say what a wonderful uplifting post. I can feel the positivity radiating from you, and it truly makes me smile. You have done so amazingly well, and it sounds like you have fantastic  grandkids. Keep doing what you are doing, and I will use you as inspiration 

I feel physically and mentally broken, but reading your post has given me such hope. I hope everyday you feel as happy as this, and one day I can feel as happy as you.

You always make me smile Al.

I’m not glad that I’m on this forum and it would have been much better not to end up here... but here we are, so being here and being made to smile is a great thing.

Thanks 

Hi Liveinhope,

If my story gave you a lift that's great news. I was 63 when i came here for help (64 now ) & more than 40 years of gambling took it's toll on me too. I've just been so blind as far as the things that really matter in life & have to say the fog is slowly clearing and i haven't been this happy in life for years.

I'd like to know your story if you can find the time to tell me one day, but i know you can beat this if you want to. Eventually you will feel better & be happy. You talk about hope & there's always hope even for someone my age. The bottom line is it's never too late to change. My story wasn't a solo effort i've had fantastic support from so many great people on here. I've had ups & downs. highs & lows mood swings where i was tempted to crawl back in a hole & return to the destructive forces that caused so much hurt for me and others. When i got like that it was talking to others who freely gave a helping hand with advice & support that got me through the bad times.

Keep posting, and believe me no matter how bad things are life only gets better when we stop.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi bdog,

Glad i made you smile. Stay strong keep at it & you'll make me smile too.

Kind Regards

AL

Wow Al found that very emotional .your living your life and really enjoying it really happy for you im using u as my inspiration cos I want to be there enjoying life do the normal things that we take for granted but seem to neglect cos there not important to us for being a cg ..  im slowly seeing the light and getting stronger in my journey..thanks Al

Pete

Hi Al,

just checking in to see if everything is OK.

I'm sure it is.

Stay strong my friend.

K2

Hi Ken,

I warn you this is a long one so if you're pushed for time you can read it another time perhaps. The bottom line is i'm still gamble free. So where do i begin ?.

Suppose my anonymity might be compromised but i'm going to tell you anyway. Summer 1971 aged 16 i started working in a large department store, a rather upmarket one in those days. You were taught to call  customers Sir or Madam & even had to sit in a classroom once a week to learn not just how to write a bill properly but even how to string a parcel properly. Young kids that worked there spent more time doing the more menial tasks, such as dusting & washing out display cabinets etc. For a working class kid of 16 who came from a broken home i found it all quite daunting at the time.

Whilst working there i met a wonderful lady on my department who for whatever reason took a shine to me. She'd give me cigarettes, buy my lunch sometimes & always encouraged & praised me for working so hard. Over the years we moved on to different jobs but never lost touch. This wonderful lady was not only like a 2nd mother to me but a wonderful friend. (In fact probably the only friend i had in the world due to my addiction. I pushed the others away ) Over the years i saw this lady go through a divorce, re-marry & enjoy a happy retirement until her 2nd husband died suddenly.

Once a week for years after i'd pick her up & take her for her weekly shopping, visit her and just look out for her in order to show her the same kindness she'd showed that young naive kid back in 1971. Eventually her health deteriorate and she eventually moved south to live with her daughter, who'd also showed me a lot of love & kindness over the years. Once or twice a year her daughter would ask me to pick her & her mother up & bring them back to my hometown. Her daughter would arrange a 2 week stay in a care home ( i think they called it respite ). This would give her daughter a break & i could visit her mother every night after work & at weekends take her out for a nice lunch.

This came to an end 3 years ago as my old friends health got worse & eventually had to go into a care home down south. Two or three times a year i'd drive down to visit her whenever i could. She would often tell me she loved me like a son. ( If only she'd known the real me & my addiction ). Sadly this wonderful lady suffered a stroke last year & spent weeks in hospital before being allowed back to the care home with significant mobility problems. She never got out of bed again.

In February this year i drove down to visit & spend a few hours with her. It was devastating for me to see the effects the stroke had on her, taken her ability to move and sometimes swallow. Despite this she was able to talk & again tell me how she'd always loved me like a son. Sadly on the 13th of April she passed away & my wife and i travelled down for her funeral, or the final goodbye as i think of it. I can't describe the sense of loss i still feel.

Moving on 4 weeks ago to my absolute astonishment i learned my wonderful & dear friend had left me several thousand pounds in her will. This was something i'd never given a thought to or expected, given she has 2 daughters and grandchildren of her own.I cried like a baby when i realised what her final act of kindness towards me involved. I actually begged her daughter to take the money back but she refused insisting her mother had decided years ago what she wanted to do with any wealth she left behind & leaving me something was important to her.

After a couple of weeks i eventually banked the cheque. Days later i looked on my banking app & saw a balance most people would be happy with but if i'm honest i felt sick to the stomach & couldn't wait to transfer it into my wife's bank just as i do with 95% of my income nowadays. What's normally a ten second task of transfering the money seemed to take an age. Because of the amount i was asked numerous security questions & even then was told to telephone the bank to be asked more security questions before they eventually authorised the transactions. 

The sense of relief when that money had left my account, i just can't begin to describe, but for once in my life it was the time i had to look in the mirror realise exactly what i am ( compulsive gambler who has a toxic relationship with money ) & do something right for once in my life. Some may say i should be happy being in a position to be able to pay a large chunk of the debt off that i and my addiction created. All i can think about right now is what if my friend had passed away 12 months earlier. A kind loving generous ladies wealth squandered on exchange & betting markets because that's what i am & what i'm capable of. This addiction's ugly but as a person I'M SO MUCH UGLIER.

Stay Strong

AL

Wow Al...

What a powerful post. 

Lost for words really.

I realise now why I took a shine to you when I first arrived here... That story you told could have been a chapter out of my story.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

In my story I ended up with her cat ? had him 6 years now, he's an old boy now and his kidneys are starting to fail and he hates my 2 year old with a passion but i wouldn't have had it any other way, the old girl in my story inspired me and gave me the courage to propose to my wife when I was on the verge of leaving her for her own good, without that lady in my life I would never have had my boy in the first place.

Beautiful post Al. It's great to hear you're ok and thank you for taking time to share something about someone so deep and meaningful to you. 

'taking oneself out of oneself to truly appreciate who and what is around you' - a strong antidote to this gambling problem - I very seldom write or read a post from someone who is not focused on themselves and their dilemmas... Refreshing in that respect. A sure sign of a good recovery.

Sorry again about your loss ?

Posted by: alwalm

 

Once a week for years after i'd pick her up & take her for her weekly shopping, visit her and just look out for her in order to show her the same kindness she'd showed that young naive kid back in 1971. Eventually her health deteriorate and she eventually moved south to live with her daughter, who'd also showed me a lot of love & kindness over the years. Once or twice a year her daughter would ask me to pick her & her mother up & bring them back to my hometown. Her daughter would arrange a 2 week stay in a care home ( i think they called it respite ). This would give her daughter a break & i could visit her mother every night after work & at weekends take her out for a nice lunch.

This came to an end 3 years ago as my old friends health got worse & eventually had to go into a care home down south. Two or three times a year i'd drive down to visit her whenever i could. She would often tell me she loved me like a son. ( If only she'd known the real me & my addiction ). Sadly this wonderful lady suffered a stroke last year & spent weeks in hospital before being allowed back to the care home with significant mobility problems. She never got out of bed again.

I. This addiction's ugly but as a person I'M SO MUCH UGLIER.

Stay Strong

 

AL

Sorry for you loss Al, but I'm happy to hear that you are ok and still clean.

Grief brings all sorts of things into our heads, but she didn't die 12 months ago and you didn't squander the money.  Why not put some of the money towards taking the grand kids away ?

Even something like youth hosteling (my parents were still taking our kids when they were in their late 70's).

I've highlighted a few things, as I suspect underneath the gambling over the years, that's the real you.

A decent, generous person, who showed great kindness.

Be kind to yourself.

Posted by: K2

Be kind to yourself.

Yes, wise words ?✌️

Hi Signalman,

Thanks for your reply. Right now i can't begin to explain what's going on in my head. Of course relief that just for today i remained gamble free. Unfortunately the goods things seem to be a little over shadowed by guilt, knowing how many others would have deserved much more than i what this wonderful friend has done for me. Relief this didn't happen whilst my addiction was untreated. So many emotions going through my head last few weeks. Yet still i need to be as selfish as i always was in order to refuse to let this hinder or interrupt my recovery.

Am i the first CG in history that became so unhappy with a healthy bank balance & so desperate to off load it on to someone else i wonder. Out of the all the good hard working none gambling people in the world WHY ME ?. Just finding recent events so hard to deal with.

Great to hear from you & stay strong

AL

Hey Al,

We're just not used to good stuff happening to us, when good fortune comes our way it all feels a bit alien. 

Almost a year off a bet means that slowly but surely the cogs will start to turn in your favour and good things will happen in your life... The monetary value of your good fortune is irrelevant in this context of course, whats crucial is learning to forgive yourself now and enjoying the fruits of your labour.

I haven't worked the step program at GA yet as I am waiting for my block of counselling to start (one thing at a time) but someone I have a lot of respect for in my local group caught me doing the same thing as you when I passed my study course with a commendation - he explained to me that recovering gamblers serious about quitting will eventually find themselves carrying around this huge rucksack of guilt, resentment and self-loathing related to past events.

He told me that working the program was like unloading that rucksack item by item until eventually your load is light and you can start filling your rucksack with positive events when they come your way. 

This is not a message to push the program on to you, but moreso to identify the pathology related to your need to revert back to the modus operandi of self-depracating and resentment, even when good things are happening to you.

More good things are going to come your way if you keep at this - somehow or another we must learn to embrace them otherwise it's like being given a lovely juicy cake and splatting it all over our face instead of enjoying it and savouring the taste.

From what you mentioned of your friend this is what she would have wanted - in this moment her money is safe - her wishes were adhered to and this is a cause for celebration.

Good things will always happen to good people, like yourself ?

Start unloading that rucksack somehow mate ?