Six months ago I was gambling excessively. I gambled on everything from online sites to bookies and live casinos. All I could think about was where and when I could escape to, to have my next gamble. This had been going on for over 2 years.
One day after loosing every penny, I sat in front of my computer, feeling empty, a complete failure and could only foresee darkness in the future.
In complete desperation I chatted online to one of the Gamcare advisors. The advisor kindly referred me to a counsellor. It took a few weeks for my first appointment and then I was sent away for work so it took a while for things to get started.
During the initial stages of therapy I was a bit sceptical that it would work as I think I expected some magical 'fix'.As the weeks progressed I realised that the only way for recovery to truly begin I had to become self aware and accept my low self esteem before I could work on improving it.
I have read many positive recovery posts on this site which has also helped to motivate me along the way. I have posted a little and have had some encouraging replies from strangers which has been a massive help because I am much of a loner and find it really difficult to express myself in spoken words.
20 years ago I used to do competitive swimming I trained along side a double gold Olympic medallist from my country. I blew my future prospects because of another addiction. Three weeks ago I hit the pool for the first time in twenty years and it felt great, I have been training three times a week since and setting myself goals in distance and time. It is too late for me to be an Olympian and I can accept that. We do not have to be the best at what we do just enjoy it in a healthy way.
My next goal is to become a qualified swim coach, who knows maybe I can help some young Britt to be an Olympian or even help an adult overcome their fear of swimming either would be just as rewarding!!
I am still working on things like my relationship and allowing myself vulnerability, I know and understand these things do not change overnight and require constant work and review.
The most positive thing I can say is that after weeks of money control and banning from online casinos, I had £100 pounds in my pocket yesterday and walked past three bookies and my favourite casino and did not spend a pound in anyone of them. Instead I walked into a sports shop and walked out with the gear I wanted and change which I still have in my wallet.
I do not want to become complacent and think that I am 'over it' but I must continue to hope and believe.
To those of you who are just starting your recovery, I would encourage you to look deep inside yourself to find the true reason behind your individual addiction and work from there. You can only be a true winner if you believe in yourself.
Thanks to all involved.
Hi Zulu13,
Thanks for sharing your recovery journey with us, it is very inspiring and encouraging to know that taking positive steps could yield positive results.
One step at a time is the way to go, and it seems like you are enjoying not gambling.
It is good to take stock and see what you are doing right, that is the only way you will see what you are doing wrong if you do.
I am sure people on here understand your joy, as it takes dedication to fight the gambling problem.
It is good that you are watching out so that you do not become complacent. Enjoy your gambling free life, and keep on striving towards your goal to become the person you want to be.
If you have not already started a recovery diary, it could be good to start one so that you could post your journey through recovery there, and others could rely to support you
Well Done Zulu13
Regards
Florence
What an inspiring story - thank you Zulu13.
As Florence says, your support would be invaluable to many of us still struggling.
You say you have difficulty expressing yourself in words, but I think you have been very eloquent.
Good luck with the swimming qualification - it sounds like a great idea.
Best wishes for the future.
Joanna
Thank you both for your encouraging words. Joanna I have read some of your diary and you are pretty inspiring yourself!!
It is quite insane when we are at the peak of this addiction just how much of ourselves we loose. Knowing that it does not have to be lost for ever is a revelation in itself. Regaining true happiness is worth more to me than all the money and time wasted in the bookies, casinos or online. As long as I constantly remind myself and others of this fact there will be no return to the insanity!
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