Over the last few years i am finding that my interest in this site has been declining. There are several reasons for this, which for the purposes of this update in not relevant. However, it would be fair to say that one factor is my own personal journey and how the need and desire to gamble, and also to give and receive support for a gambling problem has disappeared.
some of you will remember that i joined this site in september 2005. In those days i was all over the place emotionally. i had just given up playing on line poker, and was coming to terms with a past, which may not have seemed as traumatic or as 'glamorous' as many of the stories, but for me it was simply time to take a hold of my life.
There were many ups and downs in those early days. I didnt understand me, didnt understand what was happening to me, and life seemed so confusing.
i was learning how to give myself new goals, new objectives and new personal boundaries. i was mourning a life style which i had 'enjoyed' but served is purpose. it allowed me to hide from me, and allowed me to ignore and avoid life's problems and difficulties.
when i stopped hiding (gambling) i found that the world was not a nice place to be. The reality of the here and now was unpleasant compared to the utopian life i had carved out for myself in the bowels of an internet poker site.
learning how to make new relationships was difficult and relearning to interact with my nearest and dearest was torturous to say the least.
however, my goals were clear to me. i wanted to stop gambling with a passion that became overwhelming, and from that perspective allowed me to maintain those goals, and learn about how i fitted in to the world that i had avoided for so long
it would be fair to say that i didnt make life easy for anyone. i kicked and bucked at every point. there were times where the despair i felt took me to the depths, and where the anger i felt erupted, often without warning, with almost life threatening intensity.
for a couple of years i turned to alcohol. i drank myself silly. my rational was that so long as i was not gambling then everything was alright!
i had no idea at all how to look after myself or how to self sooth or self care.
then one night i had the idea that i would become a counsellor! to those who knew me the idea was completely off the wall, and laughable. i experienced many negative comments both on internet recovery sites and in real life. at that point, i was no more counsellor material than pigs flying!
to my everlasting credit - when i get an idea into my head i stick with it and run with it until it happens. i am a determined little beggar, and it was this trait that helped me stop gambling, and it was this trait that allowed me to put my hairbrained idea in to motion and succeed at transforming my life
So in 2006 i signed up for a certificate counselling course. this course was tough. it demanded that i look at my life from every conceivable angle. needless to say i made life tough for my long suffering counselling tutors. but hedges and backwards come to mind here!!!! by the time i completed that course in 2008 i was almost unrecognizable. I had turned myself around, but wasnt quite there yet.
i was 3 years away from gambling and not regretting stopping. i was enjoying the freedom of not being tied to a poker site for hours and days at a time.
in 2010 i decided to embark on my counselling diploma course. again, the personal and emotional demands of that course made me feel that i was ready for giving up. but no .......... i stuck with it, and while i thought the certificate course was tough, the diploma course made the certificate course look like childs play
I took my diploma in december 2012. i was proud of myself. from 2005 to 2012 i had used that time to come to terms with me, and bring me to the place where i was deemed sufficiently competent to hold the emotional needs of other people in my hands
a transformation that nobody could have forseen in 2005
over the years gambling has become further and further away from me. i make my own decisions, and i live my life according to my conscience, and i allow my gut to make my important decisions.
i do not see myself as one bet away from instant destruction. i have worked on my character flaws and defects, i understand me and i understand my reasons for gambling, and equally i understand my reasons for stopping gambling. i am comfortable and at peace with me, and cant imagine a life where gambling has a place in it.
i am enjoying my counselling practice. i work with clients who have mental health issues. my big regret is that i cannot get an opening into working with people with gambling problems. i genuinely believe i have a lot to offer in that respect. but i now live in the here and now, and i accept what i have, and i am content with what i have and what i am doing. if that opening comes up, then brilliant, but if not then i am still grateful to my gambling past for taking me to where i am today
in the last 18 months or so i have had many health issues. a year ago i had a lung cancer scare. i was convinced i was dying. i had surgery, part of my lung was removed and then i was told it wasnt lung cancer but a very rare disease that very few people have heard of.
recovery from the op took its toll, and as i recovered from that my hip began to give out. i had a date at the beginning of may for a hip replacement, only to find that this rare disease turned up in my liver! so i have a new date towards teh end of july for my hip replacement
it would be nice to think that when i am recovered from that op life can go back to normal, and i can put all these hospital appointments in the past, just like my gambling
so life is good - and i now know what happiness and inner peace means, i can accept my poor health, and live within my limitations.
there is life after gambling. i hope and pray that many of you coming to this site can find the resolve that leads to the path of inner peace
love
rusty
xx
rusty
an honour and priviledge to read.
I hope you fully recover from those health issues.
thankyou for sharing.
Inspired.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Hi Rusty
have read your story with great interest and understanding as I have reinvented myself a few times as well, going back to uni age 56 to qaulify as a children's social worker. I also have some major health problems which I cope with the majority of the time.
Unlike you, my gambling problems which I thought I had conquered, have re emerged and I seem to have hit a brick wall as all the old doubts and fears surface to send me scuttling back to hide away in its venomous arms.
I have been very fortunate to have much support on here especially from the kind hearted Duncs and on a day when I feel emotionally and physically drained your diary has given me hope.
Thank you and wish you health a happiness.
xxx
Hi Rusty
Its good to hear from you and that you are in good spirits despite your health problems.
Its so good to read someone's story years down the line after they have stopped gambling and how through hard work and determination you have turned your life around and changed it for the better.
One of the things I have struggled with is not just stopping gambling but what comes after that. You have shown me in your inspiring post that a better and more fulfilling life is out there if you have the determination and put in the hard work.
I wish you good health and also hope you get to work with people with gambling problems as you will be a massive help to anyone who seeks your counsel.
Take care
xx
Great to read.
Refreshing and inspiring. "Inspiring" in particular can be an over-used word, but in this case it sincerely applies. You have obviously worked incredibly hard and shown great resilience and courage to get to this point.
No-one should be in doubt of how far-reaching and helpful "sharing your story" can be. 🙂
Thank you.
FF
I also know that you were angry with the admin of this site in not allowing you to delete your posts as requested. Perhaps this also has had an impact on your wishing to avoid posting? Your journey is such that you have so much to offer and it is sad to hear you are not in a position to help those with a gambling addiction. So could you not consider that in the meantime you could assist and guide those most vunerable on this site in the new members forum? This would surely be beneficial for both parties. Your advice on here is what is important and with your background, it would be a shame to waste such leadership. So glad your illness proved not to be life threatening and you are well on to recovery. Hope to see more of you on this site-you were greatly missed!!!! All respect RCG
Dear Rusty,
Thank you for sharing this inspiring and hopeful post with the forum.
It is helpful that you have written about the changes that have been most meaningful for you, and how you have shown that long term recovery can be richly transformative. Particularly you emphasise how you have learned to relate more peacefully to your experience, even disappointments and discomforts, so you don't need the distraction of an addiction.
Well done for all the persistent effort you have made over the many years of therapy training. It is good to hear that you are enjoying your professional practice. It is even better to hear that you are personally experiencing more equanimity as you face your life, moment to moment.
Kind regards,
Adam.
thanks to all for their good wishes
RCG - i hear what you are saying, and appreciate the sentiments
yep, you are right when you say i was angry with admin for not deleting my diary. i felt that it was my choice to make, and i didnt like being dictated to in such an authoritarian manner
i have lost the heat from that anger, but not the principal that i disagreed with in the first place.
However, it would be fair to say that it hasnt stopped me from posting where i want to post and the manner of what i post. i am just more careful about what i say.
in relation to gamcare persae - it served its purpose. i no longer need to post here, and while i also hear what you say about experience, and its a fair point i feel that i can and will chip in where i feel the need,
but not on a regular basis
thanks again
love
rusty
xx
HI Rusty, so pleased to see you posting here again. There aren't many of us left from the early days, although that may not be a bad thing if people have come through the other side of this afflcition.
I am enormously sorry that you have suffered in this way but you should be extremely proud of yourself that you continue to show bravery and resiliance in the face of great adversity.
I would agree that the admin staff sadly don't seem to be hugely in tune with either the content or contributors here - it was most certainly your choice to make and anyone who has made the extraordinary amout of contributions that you have deserves not only enormous respect, but they should be unbelievably grateful for the time you have put into helping others.
I wish you peace, love, and good health my friend. Take care.
JamesP
I loved finding your update Rusty.
So happy for you that you are living your life.
xo
Hi rusty,
I was really pleased to see a update from you and you have certainly turned your life around.
You were the first person to reply to my diary in 2006 and you certainly made a difference to my recovery. Unfortunately I am back here after over a year gambling free but certain things happened in my life and I went running to my comfort blanket and 6 years later I knew where i had to go back to but with a determination that I will stay on this road.
Thank you for your update and I really hope you get into the field of your choice. You will have a lot of experience to offer.
Take care
LG xx
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