thought

Gambling - The son of avarice and the Father of despair as it seeks its two great pleasures, that of winning and that of losing

Addiction is an emotional anaeshetic - wow this has really summed up for me why I gamble. This is my first ever time seeking help and admitting (albeit, anonymously) that I even have a problem. I have a real problem and I need to get help to sort it out. I wish I could tell someone but the shame is unbearable. I have spent the last two weeks in a state of utter stress about money (because I gambled all I had left away), only to be given a small loan from a friend (who doesnt know) on Friday, to help me through til pay day, only to have gambled that away too over the weekend. I am in the grip of some awful compulsion, which is destroying me. I have self excluded, set lowest deposit limits, put software on my pc which prevents anything coming up, yet I keep finding ways to overcome my strategies - like using my daughters pc, signing onto other sites, etc. This quote has really summed up why I gamble. It stops me thinking, it stops me feeling. Until the money is gone and then the self loathing kicks in and all the stressors flood back. I dont know how much money and sleep I have lost over the years but its tens of thousands of pounds and thousands of hours of sleep when I realise what I have done. I would be very very grateful for some support from anyone on this site that is a bit further down the journey than me (right at the beginning). Im at the lowest ebb and wonder if I will ever get a grip on this or whether it will end up taking my life.

Hi sheaf

I like you was weighed down by shame. I had my last bet in January 2013.

Like you I was a completely secret gambler and that secrecy and shame kept my gambling going.

I realised I had to open up and so did so. The relief was really quite dramatic. Clearly telling someone about my addiction triggered an overwhelming positive process.

opening up somehow released the deep feelings of shame.

The shame really eats away at you as you keep a secret. Once I opened up I felt able to move forwards.

I was surprised by the universally positive response.

I suggest starting a diary in the Recovery section and post more about your background. You should get more interaction there.

Read up on people's diaries.

There is a lot of info regarding blocks which you should implement straight away.

Louis

A random thought -

If recovery was akin to an egg -

Breaking an egg from the outside destroys life, yet breaking an egg from the inside brings life.

Moral - Recovery comes from within