Treating wife badly

Hi Greenflash, welcome to the site 🙂

Addiction is cruel & complex so whilst I don’t know the whys, I do know that I have behaved appalling @ times (yes, worse than my usual pig headedness) with the one person who has been by my side throughout my recovery.

I’m I know you asked on the other thread the difference between counselling & GA...I’m not the best person to explain but GA isn’t counselling, there are no ‘professionals’ running the show. Meetings take place all over the world & addicts come together to support each other...Recovery is based on a 12 Step program. Through this, I am learning how to better control my emotions (& even sometimes express them in my inside voice). I have an incredibly long way to go but I think a lot of the aggression that I showed early on was me not knowing how to cope with feelings having been numbed by gambling for pretty much all my life. Being an addict is a mind problem & both you and your wife could really do with some education around the subject (she can use the helpline too or ideally get to a GamAnon meeting for real life support). Your gambling was masking your low self esteem that is a common trait in addicts (despite some of us having egos the size of Mount Everest (moi) which to me is a contradiction in terms) & counselling should help you start to unravel some of the confusion. I wish I could say this ‘will pass’ but it won’t, you have to make it go away by giving recovery your all...When you have the strength to do so, apologise for your behaviour & tell her how much she means to you. Communicating your confusion may help her to make sense of what is happening & give you a different perspective on what is spinning round in your head.

As an addict, I spend an inordinate amount of time looking out for faults in others, early on in my recovery I thought that was so I didn’t have any time to look @ my own (always good to have someone to blame) but now I’m wondering if somewhere deep inside, it was to put me on an even keel with others? As I read your posts, I suspect there is an element of “Why?” going on in your mind ”Why is this amazing woman standing by me?” If your brain can convince you she is not so perfect, it can let you accept the relationship despite your personal lack of worth (so I thank you for giving me something else to think about)...I say, your wife loves you, warts & all so trust her judgement & find a way to love yourself - ODAAT

Hi greenflash. As Odaat says it's about self esteem. I've often talked to my cg about it. He says 'it's because you were in my way'. Addiction doesn't want you to stop. This last time I made my husband tell our children (15 & 17). I said afterwards to them 'watch for the bad behaviour' and it came. It will take time for you to recover, you don't get better over night. But you do have to change. It's hard work but you have to be a better person. It's not just about stopping. You are acknowledging your bad behaviour which is good. Now you have to change it.

Mr L's worst behaviour came after he'd come clean and been bailed out first time round but was continuing to gamble in secret. Once it all came to light second time round and he'd scared himself with how very close he came to the edge and was really ready to stop his behaviour improved virtually immediately. Had he started up with unfounded accusations or indeed any accusations or bad temper at all I'm not sure I'd have been responsible for my actions. I'd taken enough of an emotional battering by then.

My advice would be to get a grip on your behaviour. Bite your tongue, take any anger she displays on the chin and above all be honest and keep being honest. You may not see the results you want for a very long time to come but if you really want to rebuild you're going to have to make the running.

Hi greenflash

Thank you for your very honest and self-aware post. Have you considered telling your wife that you are aware that you are being unreasonable at the moment? Does she know she can also call our Freephone HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the Netline? Any contact she has with us will be kept separate and confidential from any contact you have with us. Sounds like you both could do with being able to talk to someone confidentially about how you're feeling.

It's understandable for you to have mood swings when you are in the beginning stages of fighting this very powerful addiction. But if the way you have been treating her continues, and insecurity becomes controlling behaviour, then this could become emotional abuse. You seem very self-aware so hopfully recognising you're being unfair to her and discussing this with her now can nip this in the bud before it damages your relationship any more.

Please, feel free to chat to us on the HelpLine or NetLine if you want to get a bit more support with this.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Hi guys

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I fully understand the advice that my problem is masking other issues. I do feel I have low self esteem, and seem to worry far too much about what other people think of me. Clearly the gambling was an escape from these issues. Now that I have stopped gambling for 18 days, these personality traits are more obvious. Perhaps I do need counselling, that can deal with all the issues, as the knowledgable replies i have received show there is a connection. I would like to make it clear that there is absolutely no emotional abuse or nastiness, violence etc to my wife, never in a million years. Definitely insecurity, shame, guilt. I have already apologised to her and explained I am having a few mood swings. She is understanding as she knows I'm a good person (her words lol), she does not tolerate any nonsense. She is the perfect person to support me in this and has really got stuck in. Time to think before I speak! ODAAT, I can relate to so much of what you have said here.

Once again, thanks all, so valuable to get opinions from the CG and partners of CG's.

Hi Greenlfash.

Firstly thanks for taking the time to post on my thread.

What you describe above sounds so familier to me. I agree that self-esteem is a big factor in it. For me though I think I stopped growing emotionally when I started gambling. I was addicted from my teens and I suppose that once I finaly stopped gambling my emotions had to catch up. I behaved like that towards my partner (sadly now my ex) but my emotions were all over the place for huge chunks of last year.

Counselling is a very good idea, without some one to talk to I've found it too much of a struggle at times.

Keep posting mate. It dosn't serve any purpose treating your missus badly. It's not healthy for either of you to drag things up from the past, hers as well as yours, its not about the past.

When you're angry or fustrated try and talk to someone, or failing that post about it. It's better out than in.

Take care.

Geordie.