I am back here again after a long battle of trying to quit but always going back to gambling.
When I do try and stop I become incredibly depressed, life seems hopeless and pointless. I have had a gambling addiction for 15 years, and in that time, the happiest I have been is when I have won or are winning. I feel alive, I feel life is worth living, the future is not scary and I'm full of hope. But, I am a compulsive gambler, so each episode of gambling will result in me losing sooner or later.Then after losing more than I can afford, getting myself into financial difficulties, I decide I really will stop!
I always like to pick a specific time or amount (monetary loss) to draw a memorable line (bit OCD) then when I am satisfied with that line, the 'new life' begins. Simple right? NOOOO, I am addicted, my brain is now wired to gamble, it's my reason to be. So one side of me is insisting, stop and things will become better, but the other is justifying 'one last bet' or 'this time it will be different as I will be more disciplined' whatever the reason, it always seems to win and whosh, I'm back to square one!
This has pretty much been my existence for the last few years, this and struggling with debt, juggling the last remnants of money on whether to buy food or fuel.
All in all it's a crappo life, feel I'm damned if I do, (gambling always results in loss as I'm an addict) or damned if I don't (the harsh reality of coming down to Earth, living in the void I have created)
Well, I'm writing and it feels kinda theraputic and I hope I can get some feedback or this will bounce to others.
If there are spelling or grammar mistakes, I don't care.
I'm not going to post war & peace because you seem to be a bit of a one poster but I do have some feedback because I hear you.
I had a relationship with a machine (well many machines) for nigh on 30 years & I understand you saying about that being the only buzz but that's addiction. You can't just turn it off & counselling doesn't stop us gambling, it helps us to rewire but only if we put our all into it. It's our addict brains that tell us gambling is the only way to feel good & it will take time to find other highs. Have you considered GA? People there won't give you the nonsense you think you have had from counsellors, they've walked in our shoes, know that we can't just stop.
There is a way out of that hole but wishes & new diaries aren't it! I know from experience, I kidded myself for way too long, we can't do this alone. You're not alone here so why not stick around this time, use the site & give recovery a real go. It's going to be uncomfortable, there will be times when you think gambling is the lesser evil but you are back here for a reason because you know, it's destroying you! Make this time count - ODAAT
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