Hey all i have been here for a while now , i have had gambling set backs in the past but i also have to admit something else which is going to sound messed up to you guys.
When i get dark and really down i sometimes cut my forearms, i started this because of a bad time when i was young,when you are constantly reminded how worthless and good for nothing you are and when stuff happens to you which makes you feel numb and just like you are trash, the cutting for a brief moment makes you feel some thing other than numb,
That brief pain is the way you can actually feel like you are still awake,to make you feel something else to distract the pain with in you, but with that also comes the reminder when you do it , its all you deserve its all you are good for. That is the reason why i gamble also, i dont gamble for financial gain i dont gamble for that big win,i gamble to lose that way when i do lose it reafirms i am nothing and worthless and broken, its all i deserve, then that way i dont have to try, i dont have to save make big future plans, because i dont deserve it and i am to useless and unworthy of anything, i had that told to me since i was about 8,now iam 37 have arms peppered with old scars and being even more honest a few recently healed ones,and have lost 10s of thousands over the years
The want to cut never goes,its like the gambling, to escape,to forget about other stuff, the relief when you do it.
And the same as gambling when you wake the next day all your problems and hurt are still there and the same sometimes worse.
I am sorry to rant on but i have never shared all that before, i guess i just wanted to be open and honest
Another great post Rob. I have a friend who cuts. I have had many conversations with her & the feelings she either creates or the ones she numbs through the behaviour mirror mine when in active addiction. Just goes to show its not the substance or behaviour that are addictive, but the feelings we attach to it
Good on you Rob for sharing. Very courageous of you indeed. I think I somehow get it, but cannot fathom it....
A real strength and honor Rob
Hi Rob my son is a CG and also cuts. He is 27. Your insight into the "why" you do it is to me an incredible step towards healing. It doesn't sound messed up to me at all.
Take care and keep fighting to find your worthy self... he's in there.
Cathy
Hey all thanks so much for all your support, ironically in all the years i have done it, this is the first time i have openly admitted to it.
Cathy iam so glad this helps you, if you ever have any questions or i can help feel free to ask.
Rob, I'm glad you shared that. It was very powerful. I'm sure you've been told this before, but I will tell you again...it's not true. You are not useless or unworthy. You were 8 years old when you first heard that...this is all about the person who said that to you. It has nothing to do with you. How can it be true at 8 years old? It's never true....but when you hear it over and over again you start to believe it. This is all about them....and it's a heavy burden to carry. I don't know what you've done in the way of processing this? This isn't about gambling or cutting (you know that, you've said that) it's about getting to the root of the pain.
LB x
Hi Rob,
I salute you on your honestly in your opening post. All I can really advice is if you address your gambling addiction first, attend GA meetings where you can openly talk about your addiction then it may help ease the pain of self inflicting. I know past lows I've felt after a big are bad, mixtures of stress and depression effect us all differently but I haven't felt these for 3 weeks now since my last bet.
Hope you decide which way to go in your recovery and I wish you all the best.
A good honest post my friend. I can't pretend to understand as I don't but I must agree your not worthless. Keep doing what you are doing on the gambling front things are coming together.
KTF
It is only through such honesty & vulnerability that the whole picture of what makes an addict becomes a little clearer. Of course not all will have suffered & survived the extreme trauma you both have had to endure. But what i have seen in the majority of addicts, myself included is unresolved trauma. Thankyou both x
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