In a few days I’ve took/stole around a grand from my partner to gamble with online.  I promised him the last time I would get help and not do it again it’s been 6 weeks this time since I’ve started again I’m getting no enjoyment at all from it infact I would say I hate gambling and how it makes me feel but I just keep adding money after money and can’t stop I don’t no what is wrong with me im so stupid i got a email from a non gamstop site and logged on spent all my money, then my mam give me money to buy tickets for a show for her and I used that to gamble so when I realised I could get on my partners bank on his iPad I took 100 to get the tickets then added it to my account won more lost it all then stole another 100 and did the same again and again until last night when the realisation and guilt came.
I feel lost and numb I’m petrified my partner logging on his bank to find out as I not sure we will get over it this time i don’t think I’ve earned his trust from last year. I love him so much and I don’t no why I keep doing this to him and why I can’t stop and when I became this horrible girl I hate myself so much he deserves so much more I can’t even get the courage to tell him so I’m writing it here in hope it helps me to.Â
I signed up last night to get help and I really need to stick to it this time as I don’t no how much longer I can continue if I don’t as it make me so anxious it’s like it’s not me I feel like a different person the stress then makes me pull my hair out and pick my skin and nails.Â
I’ve thought the urge today and havnt gambled I also deleted his banking log in and my bank details from his account so I cant transfer money and put gamblock on my phone I don’t no what will happen going forward but I do no I’m a addict and need helpÂ
Hey Lucy, just I hope you're ok x
Your not a horrible person your not well. People who say your horrible don't have a clue what your going through. People who say you choose it are even force. Nobody would choose thisÂ
Hi @lucyp86
Thank you for being open and honest and sharing your experience on the forum.
Gambling harms can often make people behave in ways they wouldnt usually and I can hear how much stress this is causing you.
Gambling issues often thrive in secret and it sounds like to move forward with transparency speaking to your partner and Mum could be something to consider. If you are struggling to open up, sometimes writing your loved ones a letter or communicating via text can feel easier if you cannot get your words out.
You deserve to have some support with this so please do contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 if you havent already, we're here to support you 24/7 and can discuss lots of options incl. 1to1 support referrals. We are also contactable through live chat.Â
Please do keep engaging with our online community.
Take care
Phoebe
Forum Admin
Lucy,
Just a reminder - gambling makes us do selfish things, but it doesn’t make us a horrible person. We just need to make a positive step in the right direction to stop the situation getting worse and worse.Â
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