14th May 2014 - The Turning Point

Hi

Well done for the realisation and trying again , this is such a tough journey bit one worth making , go easy on yourself not too much pressure , stick to one day at a time and let the strength build from there

Mistakes will be made it is how we deal with them that what matters and you have done exactly the right thing

Be proud of that something that gambling takes from us very quickly

Castle2

Thanks Castle. I'm just utterly sick of doing this to myself and my family.

My upbringing adhered to the 'for goodness sake, pull yourself together' attitude to pretty much everything. All my life I have been able to apply that to the issue at hand. It doesn't work so well on gambling as my seventh relapse in three years serves to prove. It the space of a few minutes the emotions associated with gambling turn me into someone I despise. It happens so quickly when I relapse that the common sense of my upbringing doesn't get a look in.

I have Identified detachment and isolation as triggers in the past and can see them in this episode as well. Particularly when things are going badly at work, I bcome emotionally detached from those around me. I think, I suppose, that if I let a trickle of my emotion through I won't be able to stop the d**n bursting completely. Detached leads to isolated leads to gambling. Maybe venting in my diary will help. It's worth a try.

So, I am approaching the end of day one for what I hope will be the last time. What have I learned? No matter how much I want to feel the connection I experience when I gamble, it is not worth it. Not the guilt, not the disappointment, not the cash nor the time

I had a lightbulb moment earlier. I always use the same bank account when I gamble via my debit card. I only occasionally use the account for anything other than direct debits. I have cut up the card. Not a fool proof system I grant but all I need to do is slow myself down enough in times of crisis to let my common sense kick in. I do have some in here somewhere.

So, day two is more or less done and I feel the usual post lapse sense of determination. I truly hope I can make it stick this time. Each time I have a splurge I do find other blocks and better ways of managing my addiction but I still feel an enormous sense of disappointment that I let myself fail. This time......

Away this weekend. Day three done with not so much as a wobble. Life is good when we don't gamble.

I have found myself thinking about gambling today but have no urge to partake. Filling the time with other activities is really crucial to my recovery. Hope I can remember that this time around. This has been a good weekend. Darkened only by memories of how stupid I was last week; brightened by lessons learned and new determination.

Well hey getting through the weekend is a big one, especially if ya got cash to gamble. Yeah keeping your mind focused on other things is pretty much the key to it all. I like to think in my mind the problem never excisted and never gambled before. Don't know if It's the right way to go about it but I'll keep following that path even if my way is wrong. Guess I'm stubborn that way. LOL good going on your free days.

Another good day done. I had a random memory yesterday about arcades as a kid. I went with a friend most Saturday afternoons. I remember thinking she was kind of obsessive about the slots. She would spend her bus money and never had any cash for chips on the way home. She only stopped playing when she had nothing left. Ironic that the sensible one who kept extra back to get us both home and fed has ended up a compulsive gambler. I take comfort in the fact I wasn't born a gambler. I have hope that this pattern of behaviour can be unlearned.

Hey and what a childhood memory to look back on. Deep and true. Guess i started out a saver as a kid but yeah had 10 brothers and sisters. Nope was no where in that house safe enough to hide my stash. LOL guess it didn't pay to save a cent when it always went missing. LOL stay focused on the positives in your life.

Strangely, I still consider myself sensible with money and a bit of a saver. Gambling has made a horrific dent in those savings but I have the blessing not to have got into too much debt as a result. Double edged sword though as I fooled myself into thinking I was in control for a long, long time by juggling accounts and minimising debts. I convinced myself for years that I didn't have a problem. My recovery started five years ago when I realised the truth; I am a compulsive gambler and cannot stop once gambling has me in its grip.

Yeah guess the addiction is kinda slow in progressing and once it sinks It's teeth in hard to shake. LOL guess It's when ya start thinking ya might have a problem ya probably do and still ignore it. The damages just kinda of mount up before ya really take notice. Glad ya woke up before things got worse.

Really tempted tonight so taking myself off for a walk. Funny how we have a few days that feel great and then the voices get louder. Well, they are not getting me tonight!

Not gambling yesterday was my biggest challenge since my relapse. Glad to say victory was mine. Gambling, take that! Trying not to thing too far ahead and just deal with the urges when they come. Feeling strong today.

Approaching the end of day eleven. Feels good to be back in double figures.

Few beers and a movie today; feeling like a normal human being. I want more days like this.