Where to start.
Firstly, I feel like rubbish. Physically, mentally, spiritually, I feel terrible. I feel weak, tired, lacking energy, enthusiasm. My get up and go has got up and gone. I feel lonely, miserable, depressed, sick, tired and just terrible.
I obviously hate feeling like this and want to change it.
My first port of call is gambling. Yep, that's where I go when things go bad. That's where I went when I was a teenager and I hated homelife, school etc. I went to the bookies. Got a buzz. Soon I was put in a school for kids who hated school or were expelled. Then I left school and got into a bad crowd, ended up into crime and in trouble with the police. I changed my social scene and ended up going to university. I was succeeding in life! It felt great. During that time, gambling was around me like a bad spell. I left uni and got a rubbish temp job. I gambled more. I didn't have a job and gambled more. I ended up suicidal. I had planned it all. I'd kill myself on New Years Eve. I'd get so drunk that I'd make it look like it was an accident. That plan was made in December. Something - God knows what took me to Gamblers Anonymous. I went there and suddenly I didn't feel suicidal anymore. But I was weak, I was broken. I stayed off gambling, but went back to it. I gambled, stopped gambling. I gambled, stopped gambling. I ended up losing my girlfriend and had nowhere to stay.
I was homeless.
Someone at GA told me exactly what to do. where to go. What to say and within a few months I had my own place. I had no furniture. nothing. Just an old mattress and concrete floors. I wasn't gambling.
I was smoking heavily and drinking heavily. I remember walking down the road like an old man. I ended up going to AA. I stopped smoking and drinking. I felt great. I luckily managed to get a well paid job, but all I did was drink more. I stopped gambling again. I ended up losing that job. Then I was unemployed and again lost my girlfriend. This is where my mates helped me and I got a rubbish job again. I stayed there for 13 years. During that time I was gambling on and off. Spending many hours on poker tables. Gambling on football, horses and everything. I jeopardised my job. I was gambling on the companies lap top and punched the screen when a 33-1 shot I'd laid lost and I couldn't back it to save losses because the internet connection broke down.
The IT department said that I'd used a lot of data what lasted for a few minutes every 30 minutes or so. That was on b*****r.
I ended up getting very bored in that job and took a redundancy package. I set up my own business and felt envigorated.
The gambling? I'd cured it mate! I was off for over 2 years. I was invincible. Nothing could touch me. But then, life was becoming more and more tricky. Business wasn't so good. The wife was nagging. I felt like I had no energy. I started to feel like **** again. During this time I met up with an old GA mate. He looked like he was on drugs. I'd heard rumours. I ended up knocking about with him and crazily enough got him working part time on my business. BIG MISTAKE! He was still gambling.
Anyway, one day after 2.5 years off gambling. I went back to gambling and BOOM. I was back on the helter skelter downwards. Down down down. I ended up winning a bit, losing a bit. Bit of profit and then BANG! Lost a lot in one day. I couldn't sleep. I felt terrible. Why had I thrown away 2.5 years of gamblign free time to feel like rubbish again? Why?
Because I have a problem with gambling.
I carried on gambling for months. Every single day. 6 hours or more a day. I gambled until every penny was gone. The lot.
I then decided to not gamble again.
Since that day, I haven't gambled - but guess what. I still feel like a piece of ****. My business is still doing badly. I'm still giving losers the time of day. I am the problem. I'm a problem to myself. I want to self destruct. I want to escape this crazy nonsense.
I went back to GA a while ago. My first meeting I was so nervous. A real bag of nerves. Jittery. On edge.
I went the next week and felt better.
I went after that but began to judge people there. I didn't like that ****. He's an idiot, she's mad etc.
I went when I felt high as a kite and I left feeling the opposite.
I went feelign low and left feelign the opposite.
Gambling has done nothing for me. It's very very bad for me.
I need to stay off the gambling for my own good.
Wow!!! What a story, thank you for sharing.
Glad you came back here..keep posting and venting.
Cannot say things will get better soon, but it may gradually. You're not alone...keep fighting for your life and freedom.
You're worth it
It seems clear from your detailed and candid post that you have serious psychological difficulties that are stopping you from leading the life you want to lead.
addiction is only a symptom.
sorry if I'm posting the obvious and you're certainly not alone in this regard on this forum.
Do you know what these issues are and do you have a strategy in place for handling these difficulties?
The issues addicts have tend to be remarkably similar. Problems with connecting with others and living up to our own expectations. Difficulties in handling feelings of sadness?
Maybe psychotherapy would help? Maybe you can do research and find someone really good. Many on here advocate a type of therapy called cbt but recent research has cast doubt on it's effectiveness. There are various other types available.
Well done on your continued abstinence from gambling.
Louis
hopeful soul wrote: Wow!!! What a story, thank you for sharing. Glad you came back here..keep posting and venting. Cannot say things will get better soon, but it may gradually. You're not alone...keep fighting for your life and freedom. You're worth it
Cheers hopeful soul. I'm what, five months off so maybe I need to write down my life story - do the Step 4 work as AA/GA put it! As long as I don't disappear where the sun don't shine. I will be ok!
I feel better for writing it all down.
Thanks for your support!
cardhue wrote: It seems clear from your detailed and candid post that you have serious psychological difficulties that are stopping you from leading the life you want to lead. addiction is only a symptom. sorry if I'm posting the obvious and you're certainly not alone in this regard on this forum. Do you know what these issues are and do you have a strategy in place for handling these difficulties? The issues addicts have tend to be remarkably similar. Problems with connecting with others and living up to our own expectations. Difficulties in handling feelings of sadness? Maybe psychotherapy would help? Maybe you can do research and find someone really good. Many on here advocate a type of therapy called cbt but recent research has cast doubt on it's effectiveness. There are various other types available. Well done on your continued abstinence from gambling. Louis
Do I know what sort of life I want to lead? That is the question? What sort of person do I want to be? What sort of physical shape do I want to be? What sort of health/fitness/dad/husband/lover/friend/son/brother/uncle/nephew/worker/boss/business owner etc. What sort of friends do I want? Positive people or J****E compulsive gamblers?
Mostly, what sort of relationship do I want with myself?
Man, life is not fair. Your thoughts are deep. Someone smart and deep should not be in the situation but hey that's what people say about me. I am 17 days GF.
Good luck never give up hope. Gamblinf promises everything, gives nothing and take all. Make the rich richer, goverment watch and take their profit share and peopel become poor.
That's interesting TulsiT as i am asking exactly the same questions myself.
I think relationship with oneself is the stepping stone to other questions. You can be as happy as you make your mind to be ☺
Work in progress indeed and not every day is the same.
As long as at the end of each and every one, we come out somewhat stronger and peaceful without addictions attached.
Little steps forward, you seem genuine guy and not new to the programme, you know what needs doing - keep working at it....it works if you do ☺
S x
Stay positive. Be gentle on yourself. Your life is precious and important and you control your destiny. You have proven that you can turn things around, you can make positive choices that empower your life. I hope you continue to stay gambling free. I have only ever managed a few months before I get sucked back in, always blaming some life-changing event and never admitting that I chose to gamble again, nobody forced me. Just me. Lots of shame; so much guilt. I can't change the past, but I can try and stay focussed, one day at a time.
Good luck!
TulsiT
Thank you for your post.
I feel you because I relate. I am in my late 20's with a daughter (near the end of primary school...you guys do the maths).
Im my life so far I have had it all and nothing at all...
I have been homeless with my daughter, but also lived in a four bed detached house with trees in the garden. I have bettered myself by getting a degree and have a career that pays well and I love.
I am currently between 2 worlds. I am back living with elerly relatives again, with my daughter, after loosing our home in June this year, and with it my relationship with her father again.
But I have my job and career.
Not all of the up and downs are gammbling related. I had a problem in 2013 and then never looked at it again until this time last year but my goodness it came back with a punch im now £18K in debt i cant afford.
I think it's me becuase like i say, i cant ever seem to settle. I have always hated money, I am terrible with it. Im here now for gambling addiction but I have been addicited to smoking, shopping, excercise (border line ED), people.. you name it, anything to make money or get rid of it as quick as I can. It was only a matter of time before gambling found me and settled in.
I know some of this is all me...but you know what? Gambling aint filling no holes...its only creating deeper and darker craters!!
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