Hello there,
Today I'm 156 days gf. I never thought I'd ever get here, ever. I'm pleased to say that its going well - Ive felt resolved, strong, confident and despite temptation, which I can now easily manage, ive been in a good mindset and im really proud of how far I've come.Â
However last night in a conversation with my husband, who is aware of my progress and how I feel as I've been completely honest about the highs and lows, has told me that "i know you'll go back to gambling."
I feel really hurt by that. He said that when I talk around being gf and the clarity of time showing me how my destructive behaviours impacted the marriage and my view of myself at the time had impacted the marriage, that I'm somehow gloating.Â
I'm not, im just being honest and its refreshing to have this clarity. I think perhaps when I was gambling I hated myself and accepted poor behaviour or lack of love and care because I never felt I deserved it. Now, I know I deserve it, I know I can do this, I know how strong I am. But I also know that there is no space for complacency, that I need to keep my guard up and remain focused. I do however feel good about my achievement and now that I'm not self destructing can see that I'm still worthy of kindness.Â
My gambling was about escape. I dont want to escape life's problems now, I want to tackle them.Â
I love my husband, he has been forgiving and full of grace for me. But he also dug his head in the sand and never offered support or wanted to know any details. I had to stop myself, with no help/support and fortunately for me one day I woke up and was just truly sick of myself. That marked my last gamble.Â
I'm now unsure of myself. That once determined resolve is flagging with just those 7 words. If the person who loves me the most has no faith in my recovery, am I a fool for thinking I can do this?Â
I read on here that people can and do return to gambling after long periods of time. I was determined that this recovery would be life long and I would continue to get a little of myself back every day (which i can already feel) and that one day, albeit with scars, heal from this.Â
Am I just kidding myself?
C
Firstly congratulations on your sobriety that is a massive achievement I’m only on day 2 and it’s so hard. I know these words have hurt and you’re feeling like maybe he’s right ? But it doesn’t really matter you keep going for yourself,not him and you don’t have to prove to him you can do this, you know you can! Unfortunately only those who have been at rock bottom understand how to climb out and the struggles to do so. Keep going be proud of yourself and I for one am proud of you 😃
You may be hurting but probably far less than you would if you continued to gamble. Well done for doing it alone and being 156 days gamble free. I too use gambling to escape but after opening up to family hopefully I can rebuild my life. I know when I put my mind to things I can stop it's just I need to replace gambling with something else healthier and with other addictions I used to have I made myself hate and despise those things so I wouldn't do them again which has worked I just need to do the same now with gambling. I have got alot of self building to do after leading such a destructive lifestyle for 20 years. I tell my partner all the time how I feel but sometimes get the reply of what do you want me to do about it and I don't know how I can help you. It's hard to hear and I just want someone to understand. Look after number 1 and try to get the support you need from others councillors, calls, chat rooms and forums, GA. one day the trust will be rebuilt and discussions will happen. Don't beat yourself up and living in your mind of does he care, why does he not listen, does he not love me etc all the negative thoughts from a simple feeling can drive you mad. Good luck and stay safe. Keep the forum updated on your progress, thoughts and feelings we are all in the same boat from this horrible disease. Nathan.
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