1st steps

Well, just had a lovely lunch with my son and talked freely about his problem, about money and about how he manages going forward. A huge leap in under a week. For the first time in a long time, I feel ever so slightly reassured that he is determined to see this through. I have never had such an open and frank conversation with him and it was great. No-one knows how proud I am. I look forward to getting to know the real person behind the facade that he built up. I know he is still there inside and that is a very positive thing - the gambling didn't totally destroy the lovely person underneath. xx

HI VWM,

He will always be the lovely person underneath , but also he will ALWAYS be a compulsive gambler. Sorry but that is now a harsh reality. I see through you both that you are working together to beat this but it is very very very early days. I am glad that at last you are both feeling better about this but there are countless examples on here alone where people don't bet for months , years even then BOOM. One day for no real reason there is a relapse and they start gambling. The outcome is inevitable.

That said you both sound really committed to this and at 26 it far too young to waste another minute gambling for no end product, the money can be recovered through hard work, the time wasted can't , make sure no more of your valuable time is lost to this.

Have a good Easter.

Hi Mancity51

You are quite right - it is VERY early days and I am not lulled into complacency by a long way. I am watching and waiting like a hawk but I think we have covered every base as far as we can. Ultimately, it is down to his willpower and his ability to continue to tell the truth. Lies are a very comfy blanket to hide reality and I know that sometimes it is easier to lie than to face the music - in the end, you can lie to everyone else but not to yourself. So the ball is firmly in his court. I can give him love, understanding and support and mange his money so he doesn;t get in a mess. I cannot make his choices for him and I cannot make him be truthful. That is up to him. I am not the sort of person to issue ultimatums like "you only have one chance etc" However, he knows how disappointed I will be if he betrays my trust. Would I walk away if he did so? No, because we all make mistakes. Would I bail him out financially? No. Beause that is part of the reason we got here - there was always an avenue to bail him out. At last, he is standing up to his responsibilities and admitting that he has a problem and letting us help him get over it. One day at a time i think we can. He feels he is well enough supported by family, girlfriend and this forum not to need to go to GA or counselling, although he has agreed to go if I want him to. I am not sure what my advice should be there. What do you think? I also think that he will be fairly "safe" for the next week as he is off work and spending time with his girlfriend - who is now aware and will also watch him like a hawk. I know that probably for the first time, he has told her exactly how much cash he has for the week - so she will know where it is spent. That is a huge step in itself - so fingers crossed. At least today I feel a whole heap better than I did this taime last week! Thanks for your comments, they are really helpful. x

big hugs to you vwm, what a lovely supporting mum you r. read my diary and you will see why i am saying this.

NOW THEN PSOWM

Now I know what your initials stand for. I want to say That I will now be DanmVPOPSOWM Thats Very Proud Of PSOWM. You have come so far in such a short space of time at 26 you have the whole world and more importantly your whole life ahead of you. I implore you as an intellegent lad not to do what so many of us on here have done and ruin so many years of our lives through gambling

Roulette was my poison in bookmakers watching the little white ball spin I was/ am an addict but I am clean now for 6 months on the 26th of this month. I am beginning to to rebuild my life I was lucky I managed to get help "this forum & GA" before I lost everything

Remember "Son" money is easy to earn and quick to lose but Trust,Emotional Security and Self Esteem are just as easy to lose but a million times harder to get back

Good luck on your journey your mum sounds ACE don't let her down again

DANM

P.S keep posting and reading others diaries

Hi ,

Having read VWM post about it being early days I don't feel as anxious as I did about PSOVWM. The early euphoria about giving this all up soon wears off , I am pleased to hear your determination and I hope you stay strong. Self exclusion is the first step , and it sounds as if the bookies were PSOWM's biggest problem, this site and diary are essential , but VWM asked my opinion of GA. I personally was totally opposed then went, hated it, then went again hated it more, now after 5 visits only I feel it will be my saviour , much more so than this site which I love.

What I am saying is it all about stages , building resiolve on a daily basis. There is no point on doing six months clean then going mad on a single day (which we are all capable of) because from a self esteem , loathing point of view you feel worse than ever after such a period of abstinence. Here we all try to help , but none of us really try to understand why we got where we did ( though we try ) but GA does and I believe only GA can help you understand that and give up forever. This is only a personal view but by no means a unique one amonst CG's , in fact I know people who have hit the bottom and only GA haxs bought them back. Hopefully PSOVWM is not at that stage but it is always worth consideration and should you/he ever gamble again then you must go. Sorry to go on but hopefully there is something you can take from this in your recovery. Enjoy your Easter Eggs.

Hi Mancity

I think you are right. I have thought long and hard about why we got here and I think I understand it - although I am not sure my son has analysed it yet to the same extent. This is my take on it. When he was 15, his dad and I split up and he was very angry. He had been a spoilt young man at that stage and I think he felt personally abandoned by me (he wasn't - he could have chosen to come with me but that was how he interpreted it) He became the "adult" in his relationship with his father because his father is very dependant and needy (why I left). This led to him spending more time in the pub where he collected glasses for pocket money and he started playing fruit machines and eventually gambling (escape from reality I think) He lacked adult supervision and guidance as his dad's method of parenting was to leave him to it and bawl when it went wrong. He perceived that I had abdicated parental responsibility because I left and therefore didn't confide in me as he was angry and our relationship became distant. By the time it got to serious stages, I didn't have a clue and had become so proud of him - good job, playing football to a good level, good looking, trendy ...... so then it became difficult for him to tell me as he didn't want to shatter my illusions. He lied, borrowed money for fictitious reasons and had to get to rock bottom before finally breaking down and asking for help. Even last year - when he was £30,000+ in debt, he didn't stop. His dad remortgaged his house and we thought it was done with - but he never addressed the actual gambling problem - now I think he is trying to address it. I just hope that he is successfull. Thank you so much for all your comments. It has been helpful for me to come on here and read other people's ways of coping. I don't know if my son will have access this week as he is away for a few days with his girlfriend but I hope he gets the opportunity to log on and have a look! I still feel some kind of counselling or GA or both would be good for him. Good luck with your own journey. x

Thanks VWM,

This problem knows no boundaries at all , it crosses races, genders, classes you name it.

I was a well established guy earning high wages with the nice house , lovely wife and everything seemed great. The gambling took over and everything went, apart (THANK GOD) for the wife the only thing that mattered anyway. As time goes by I find it more and more important to find out why I did this. In the early stages it is only important not to gamble else you can Never ever recover. That is absolutely essential that you do not gamble. Day at a time. Afterwards your son can take the the time to look into why he became a gambling addict. The only thing I can be assured of is that he will say it was all his own fault, and he will be right. Us gamblers like to blame everyone else , and blame others for the triggers but ultimately it is all down to us. None of us are bad people just ones who lost our way in life for different periods of time. It will be tough (alot tougher than non=gamblers could imagine) but PSOVWM will get there if he wants it , then when he is in his early thirties he will look back on this period of life as a blip in a long journey.

IF HE STAYS OFF GAMBLING

My son is away with his girlfriend and I have spoken to him every day - so far he tells me he has had no gambling urges and is coping fine. He has no access to money - I hold all his cards and on-line banking stuff so I know he cannot get money. His girlfriend is now aware of the problem so will also be watching him. My reason for coming on here is this. I cannot stop thinking that I should have spotted this and done something a lot earlier. I am horrified that he has had this problem since he was 16 and I didn't have a clue. That makes me feel I let him down as a mother. Another bit of me is angry because this is yet another thing in my life that I have to worry about - will it ever stop! I suppose I am just crabby today because I am tired and having to go through a stressful day at work, whilst he has offloaded his problem and is relaxing for a few days away! I am sure these feelings will go away and I am really pleased he is doing something about it now - I think I am just sad that we got here. It keeps me going to read all the other experiences on here - I would have felt so alone and unsure how to proceed if it wasn't for this site - so thank you all!

hey lady u r doing a great job at the moment, your son should be proud of you, as for not knowing since he was sixteen, it would have started very gradually at first, and as us gamblers know we can lie and sneak around so for a while no-ones knows anything. this is no way anything to do with you, it just creeps up on us. although i am a 52 yr old female my mum was there for me, go to my diary and read my first post. big hugs to you

Hi VWM,

It's is not unusual for you to feel a bit crabby at the moment. Your son will now feel better than ever as he has shared his problem. He is enjoying a break with his g/f and is likely feeling freer than ever now his problem is out and being controlled. It is now the partner's , mother's , father's friend's time to feel the pressure. I am 43 days away from gambling and my wife has been an enormous support but the last two sunday night when I have returned from GA she has been in a terrible state. She cries most of that evening, she works so hard she only really gets the weekend to spend quality time with me but if I am off to GA every sunday evening she gets very lonely and low. The hardest part for gamblers to come to terms with is the people we have hurt. That never ever goes away and when it hits you it comes with the same fecocity as any gambling urge ever could. It can make us feel physically sick it is that strong.

Likewise for the person supporting the compulsive gambler, all seems to be going well , then we think too much of the situation caused by the gambler and feel very low. My wife is trying to control these moments and I am trying to help her through this, what your son must realise is he must help you through your low periods as well, because as you are finding out you will get these.

Finally , you must not blame yourself for not spotting any signs. I remember telling my wife when I had turned £150k savings into a £10k debt in just under two years. She did not have a clue I even gambled and this is my wife , a woman I shared everything with. Apart from one thing of course. We become very very good at concealing everything connected to gambling. However why should she suspect I never gambled the previous 15 years.

Good Luck and hope your son stays strong

Thank you - it helps to kow people understand. Not heard from him yet today so start to get a but panicky - am trying to reason with myself whilst working hard in the office!

Not been on here for a week as I have been away. Good news is It's now been 2 weeks and 4 days and not a single bet. I think I have had the thoughts but found better things to do. I've had amazing support and it's great being honest and open. Loving my life and the person I am so much more. Thanks for the comments.

Think I missed 2 pages of posts out before typing my last messgae. As for my mum she was the closest person I had till I was 16 then when the gambling started I kind of self excluded myself from her, my family, my friends and anything else looking back. Lies made me lose touch with these people as much as I new they were there they didnt know me. It escalated out of control and only recently being honest with my mum and gf do I feel I have done anything in the lat 10 yrs. I have had the best 2 weeks and a few days without going into one of them places. I am totally responsible for my actions and self excluded MYSELF from family girlfriends and friends because it made it easier for me to gamble. The amount of nights out trips and probably holidays I have missed due to gambling is frightening. Although I feel I am on a good path an open and honest one and feel a whole let better for it. I realise the blame and the reason I did it was all my own. I have argued with assistants in the shops for not getting bets on in time and they probably saved me so much money by not getting them on. Glad I can smile about this now but how nasty I was when I didnt get it on was just not the person I am. What scares me more was the fact I didnt have a clue what I was betting on. Ok a hundred pund spin on roulette when you pick your numbers you have an idea but your not telling me these mahcines are not fixed! More importantly I bet on horses and I couldnt tell you a thing about them. I would use the odds as a guidance but that just influenced what I put on. E.G 15/8 horse I owuld put multiples of 80 pound on so I new I would get 150 profit. Traiuners jockeys and weights I dont even have a clue so to be betting not hundreds but thousands of pounds everyday was ridiculous. Then I owuld bet on dogs horses south aftrican dogs and horses australian dogs at 9.30 in the morning. Then virtual dogs horses motorbikes cars. I was in the worst place ever. I had nobody to turn to because I had lied to anybody that mattered so I would lose £1000 or £2000 on payday then go and cry to myself in my room. Not big good or clever and all my own doings. Can I proportion any blame on my mum for splitting up with my dad? my dad for just shouting when I did wrong and leaving me to my own devices? my friends for not noticing? my many g's I split up with most without reason? In a word NO! It was all entirely my own choice. I will not ever go back to gambling. I have the most understanding mum and gf you could wish for. If I get the "urge" I will ring them and tlak then do something nice with my life and realise how good of a life I have without gambling. It is the "Worst" thing I have ever had in my life and it will not be returning. 3 weeks on Thurs without a bet and I know in a years time I wilol be able to log on here and say 1 year and 3 weeks. I am confident I have my life back to an extent and am just at the beginning of building bridges with the people that really matter to me. Thanks again for your support and keep posting.