1st steps

322 Posts
32 Users
0 Reactions
23.4 K Views
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I know you are right Steve E and I also know that sometimes my son was not a very nice person. I know why now - because he needed to feed that addiction - but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow! Part of me is so pleased that he has at last owned up and taken responsibility, part of me is angry because I now worry about him all the time, part of me wants to protect him ....... and part of me wants this to never have happened. He has a long way to go but I feel we have laid the foundations for him to succeed. I will of course, only know what he tells me and I will have to start at some point to trust him - but not yet. I still want to keep tight control of his finances so I know he doesn't have access to gambling. I am aware that I cannot do that for ever but I have to do it for now - otherwise I would worry incessantly. I also feel tired. Tired of being on guard and of having to think about what might trip him up. Most of the time it is Ok but sometimes (like now) I just feel sorry for me! I have started to want to know where he is and what he is doing all the time and I know that isn't right - he is 26 after all. But at this stage, I need to know so I can relax a bit - he will have to accept that as part of the support package. I keep waiting for something to happen and for him to turn into the nasty side of him that I know was there when he was gambling and I don't think I can cope with that any more. I just want some stability and peace in my life. Fingers crossed he stays on this path - I know he can have a really bright future. I just hope he can stick to it and keep his head focused. It is really hard as a parent to watch your child struggle and suffer - even if it is self-inflicted. Your entire being wants to make everything right for them. I think in the past, my son exploited this and he knows he did. He is not proud of who he was then and I am glad he put the brakes on. Sorry I am rambling, just a "downer" night as I am really tired after a long day at work! Thanks for posting. x

 
Posted : 28th April 2009 6:50 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Well it hurts a lot even more so reading how much I have hurt one of the only people that genuinely mean something in my life. When I was young I was a mummy's boy so to speak. Could have had anything I wanted. Growing up and living my double life I never once stop to think how much I was hurting. It' hard for her to believe anything I say or msaybe even type but reflecting on what I have done I cant believe who I was and what I was doing. Reading posts by all of you is nice but the feeling inside knowing I upset my mum so much is horrible. I wil overtime build my trust back and build the bridges that seemed unrepairable back up. Love you mum more than you would be lieve. Thanks for everybody elses comments and kind words not just to me but my mum as well.

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 8:26 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Oh yes and it will be 4 weeks tomorrow. Setting records by the day!!!

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 8:40 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Time heals.

What you have put your mum through is , or rather was, unimaginable or even unconsidered when you were gambling , I was the same. I put my wife through absolute hell but I was soooo selfish I could not be open and honest with here despite her digging me out of financial pit after pit. I think what happened to you 4 weeks back(that is good 4 weeks) is called having a blinding 'Momemt of Clarity'. It suddenly hit you that you were wasting your life and making yours and your loved ones lives a complete and utter misery. Your lucky , you had your moment at 26 I had to wait until I was 42. Nevertheless I feel blessed it came along as I will not bet again.

Also , DO NOT dwell too much on the past, you must never forget what you put your loved ones through but dwelling on it will do little good. Also your mum sounds like a strong lady and I guarantee she is in a better place now than she was pre 4 weeks ago, but just like you she will have her good days as well as her bad. You must keep your promise to her this time!!!

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 9:30 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi

The question you have to ask is...

Did anyone set out to purposely hurt anyone in all this?

I think not!

It is a set of circumstances and facilitating without realising. Blame can be laid at anyone's door. However this is not productive in recovery. You have to take responsibilty for your own actions and fix your own actions. Mum can do the same. My mother facilitated my drinking and gambling for many a year. I went through a time when I blamed her for everything. I now realise it was me who drank and gambled. It is how you percieve the world.

Sounds to me you are going great guns. One day at a time is important and remember every time you beat a strong urge you feel a million dollars when it's gone.

VWM

You can do absolutely nothing about your son if he wants to gamble. You must start concentrating on yourself. If he chooses to gamble you are powerless over that. You must make yourself stronger. Let go of everything you are powerless over. YES you can control his finances etc but it is ultimately his responsibilty if the proverbial hits the fan. No more bail outs. Hopefully he will gert stronger by the day and have that bright future you talk of. It is entirely up yo him. I'm sure he'll see sense. One day at a time. Yesterday has gone tomorrow is not here.

Take care

Steve E

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 9:50 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

I am so glad to have found this forum. People who take time out to understand and listen and notjudge. It's refreshing. Especially in a world that creates idealistics that not only unattainable but more to the point the furthest thing from happiness you could wish for. I am finding out about myself and realising spending £2000 on a shopping spree after a win was superficial and completed the double life I had but didnt want. I am now on the look out for a new circle of people who are real. I don't want to be plastic I want to feel life and the people who actually care about me and not the labels I wear or how good looking you are or where you drink and who with. My new life is going to be humble happy but most importantlt debt free and I will make time for the important people I strayed from along the way.

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 1:31 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi PSOWM (and VWM),

Thanks for reading my diary. Please dont feel sad for me - i am only 26 and I am really going to try to make it this time. If I do it now - like you I can still have a wonderful life for myself. Yes your mum seems wonderful and I think her support will be your strength above everything else. Its true that the people on here are all I have to get me through this - the only people i know who want me to succeed really but they are helping me unlock some strength that I didnt know I had before. Im a week free today and its a baby step but Im walking at least.

You both have a beautiful relationship and it is touching to read the diary entries which are scaffolding your recovery. You are a lucky guy - appreciate her, and when you cant do it for yourself - do it for her. Im sure you will.

Well done on getting this far.

Eyes X

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 6:26 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Well I am sat at my computer typing reports and thought I would just take 5 minutes to have a peek on here. I am so glad I did. Thank you all. I hope you all can stay strong. For the first time in his life, my son has money in his bank that actually belongs to him, over a week after his pay day. That is a giant step! He has a long way to go yet and there will be difficult times I am sure but his attitude is right at the moment and he WANTS to stop. Before, he said he did but he didn;t really, that was why he always kept some information to himself, so he could continue to lie and sneak about to gamble in secret. Now there is nowhere to hide and I am sure that must feel better. Day by day, I am feeling a bit better about the whole situation. I know it isn't anyone's fault and neither of us set out to do harm to the other. Life just has a way of doing things to you, it is my belief that these challenges make us stronger and better people. They are learning experiences and we have to try to find the good from them. From my perspective, the good to come out of this is a stronger bond, more honesty and the opportunity to start again and build strong bridges. It also has helped me to see that we are not all the same - reading diaries on here has been a huge eye-opener - my thoughts go to all those who haven't got anyone to support them. My son and I are luckier than most - he is still quite young and I am able to help him. x

 
Posted : 29th April 2009 7:08 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

26 yrs old and 4wks since my last bet. It's a record. Feel good and strong today. Thanks for the comments and keep strong and as Mancity says "for today I won't bet"!!!

 
Posted : 30th April 2009 9:00 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Try not to think about how long since your last bet. For me it was pre-empting my next bet. I know it's nice to see progress but your progress is obvious within you.

Take care

Steve E

 
Posted : 30th April 2009 9:27 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

cheers Steve I just think I count because it is like a reminder of how far I have come. Also with each week the further away I am getting, from the problem that riddled my life for 10 yrs. Thanks for the support.

 
Posted : 30th April 2009 12:12 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Well for the first time I have to disagree with Stevey , I do count the days and each morning when I wake up and add another day it feels good. I suspect PSOVWN feels a bit like this as well.

That said , not saying Stevey's view is wrong, it's what works for us that is important.

We must do anything, anything at all to ensure we do not gamble ever again.

 
Posted : 1st May 2009 10:13 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Thanks for your post on my diary - I see what you mean about changing my diary name - it feels good to know now that I am part of something with everyone on here. Reminds me just how lonely I felt when i first returned to the site. Now im on day 10 after a rocky start again but things are looking up indeed.

Keep strong and enjoy your freedom!

Eyes X

 
Posted : 2nd May 2009 1:59 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thanks for all the cpmments once more. I keep reflecting and having a peep back on how bad my life was with gambling in it. The support on here is great and once again today I wont gamble. Keep strong to you all....

 
Posted : 5th May 2009 11:22 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

PSOWM,

Its a good idea to read the early parts of your diary, it helps you realise how bad life was, and makes you more determined to never go back to it.

 
Posted : 5th May 2009 11:25 am
Page 4 / 22

We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.

Find out more
Close