I have decided to start a new diary. I have been really quiet this past month as I have been really low and been struggling to deal with the past. I started to want that first bet and I started to really resent the past and hate my empty life. I started to realise that due to gambling I had missed out on so much. I have been clean for 140 days and up to now progressed well, been able to pay off my debts and enjoy actually having money rather than blowing my wages on payday and being skint for a month.
Due to my gambling life has passed me by. I have failed in my relationships, I have missed out on a career, missed out on loads of social events and holidays, not got savings or invested in a mortgage......the list could go on. I am totally unhappy with my life and its all self inflicted. I guess this past month its hit me hard because I have realised that all this time is gone and its very hard to correct any of this. I have caused myself so much damage.
I have been so close to just giving up and going to the nearest bookies. I have sat and thought about stupid systems that I know deep down won't work because I will never be able to control my gambling. It also scared me that after doing so well all these urges came back, I thought it was getting easier and then WHAM it all comes back!
After a really dark month I have decided I am going to fight back. I have made a huge mess of my life but as a gambler life would only get worse, I need to continue this fight. I need to be positive and find ways to better myself and my life. New diary and a new start for me, I need to learn from the past 20 weeks and make sure I don't slip up again.
Off to work shortly, and then have three days off. Recently I have been wasting my days off and free time which I really need to stop doing. I need to have more meaning in my life. Tomorrow I am off to Alton Towers which I'm looking forward to and I need to use Thursday and Friday to plan my next steps in picking myself up and making a life for myself and being 100 times more positive.
140 days without a bet has been a struggle and I nearly slipped up, this is the next chapter and I can't waste anymore of my life!
I've had these thoughts many times. I had a 5 year gamble free stint then blew it one day by checking the odds online, then betting, then slipping further and further into the mire. No one can fix the past, it's c**P, but there we go. I slipped up last week to and am really regretting it, but like you say it a case of keeping busy keeping positive and not reflecting on the past. 140 is superb. Keep it up. The rewards in life will come from other things you invest your time in.
Bornagain
There is something in that moniker.
Recovery will have a profound effect on your life,the life of others indirectly too.
Glad you fought off those urges.
Gambling will always bring the same results for us,self loathing,misery and a trail of sh##ite.
Abstinence gifts us a future.
The cost???
three words each day
NO BET TODAY
keep making the right choice
Be proud of the honesty abstinence has gifted,and thanks for sharing your warts and all experience,I know how it will help many.
To build the resolve
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Hi Bornagain - So glad you have started your new Diary with renewed determination.
I was very moved to read your words and can only say that as a member of our little community you have so much to give and you have achieved so much, despite your mistakenly low opinion of yourself! 140 days is a magnificent achievement, plus clearing your debts - many here would give anything to be that far ahead of the game.
Hope you have a great time at Alton Towers - just be careful of the rollercoasters...!
Best wishes for a brighter future - it's there for the taking.
Joanna
M8 you have been in my thoughts so much over the past few weeks, you are a top bloke with a bright future ahead of you. Stay strong and focused and remember we are all rooting for you.
Always here for you bro.
Del š
Thanks so much to all of you for the support, it's a really good boost to read it all. Your advice is really valuable to me and has further motivated me.
I'm currently on my way to Alton Towers the sun is shining, but rains forecast for later, hope they got it wrong. Last year the Smiler wasn't open when I went so it will be my first ride of the day and I can't wait. It's good to feel positive and excited about something after a really dark and depressing month.
I will post a longer message tonight when I get back. Day 141 and no gambling for me today!
Day 145 and I have been really busy the past few days and unable to get on here. Its been really good to get out and about the past few days after the month I have just been through. Still loads of work to do to make myself a better person, but I am going to keep working hard and fighting my addiction.
No bets for me today!
Day 146 and I'm currently chilling out before work. It's quite a big week this week as I will reach 150 days and also have a lot going on that needs sorting out. I will be a lot stronger once I get through this week and life is going to be a lot more positive from now on. Financially I will struggle on till the end of the year, but 2015 will be a lot better for me. My future is in my hands, I need to *** it and not look back.
No bets for me today!
Day 149 for me today and its been one full of thought and contemplation. I need to work hard to set in stone some sort of plans for the oncoming months. So far in my recovery I have managed to successfully refrain from gambling and work on my debts, but not really found a way to better myself or make life more productive. One thing I need to do is keep on posting on here, as this site does really help me and its useful to hear other peoples stories. I have been a little quiet recently and need to spend more time on here.
There was a tip flying round work on Tuesday as a girl I work with has a dad who trains greyhounds. I was told it wouldn't be beat and things like this need to be avoided by a gambling addict. I got through the day without a bet, and later got a text off a colleague to say it had won. I wasn't down about it as the first bet for me could lead to so much destruction. Glad I didn't get sucked in, but could do with avoiding all this gambling talk as I also had a lad from work texting me asking me to come to the bookies with him.
No bets for me today!
My ambassador of quan!!!!! You are the man - 150 days today.........congratulations bornagain!!!
This is your day - embrace it!!!
Mr B
Thanks for that Mr B, day 150 was some day, I was hectic from 7am till 2am and now I am lay in bed chilling recharging my batteries.
So its day 151 and I feel quite a lot more upbeat than I have done the last few weeks. There was an excellent post on here I forget who wrote it, but it was about your life music being higher than that gambling noise in your head. These past couple of days I have thought about it a lot and it made me realise something that I really enjoy but don't do enough of. And that is listening to music and even more so going to gigs as its one of my favourite things to do. So I'm currently on Spotify making up some playlists, some for walking, some for running and some to inspire me on those dark days when my life music is low and I am having the start of gambling thoughts. I've also got a load of gigs lined up, money is tight so I am aiming to get to one a month for this year and more in 2015.
Oh well more chill time for me before work, sadly I will miss the cup final today and miss Saints tomorrow. I've also been left on my own in work today, so I will be doing a four man job on my own.
No bets for me today, Phils life music is increasing!
I can see Leeds sent me a message, but for some reason I can't read it, I suspect there's been a problem on here with some posts.
Its day 152 and I'm feeling pretty positive. My work colleague asked me to go to the casino with him after work last night, I don't know how many more times I need to tell him no before he gets the message.
Big game for Saints today, sadly I am working, but will sky plus it and watch it when I get in. I really need my weekends back, I am so fed up of working every weekend!
No bets for me today, there is light at the end of my tunnel!
Good that you are doing well Bornagain. Just a great shame that you couldn't have been nicer to certain people along the way - it is good that others have bypassed your reputation and continued to comment; you should take a lesson from that and think about that when you address others.
Hey Phil - delighted to see you're still going strong and can't wait to read the update on the Challenge thread tomorrow!! Things will get better mate - your rocky road will turn into a smooth path - just things haven't gone your way.
Graham C - I'm slightly perplexed at your post. I'm also failing to see the value of it, which is ironic given the message you're seemingly trying to deliver? I can only think you are referring to the dialogue that Phil had with JamesP a while ago that ultimately they sorted out without the need for intervention by serial do-gooders. You see, the forum is a place for support, agreement, positive intent, disagreement and a whole host of other things.......but not a place for having a needless dig because of a conversation you weren't even a part of. For info, if it wasn't for bornagain, I dont think I or many others he is associated with on the site would have got as far as we have. If you'd have taken the time to read his newest diary, you would have seen that it's encouragement that's required. I hope your journey is going well Graham and that you are managing to defeat this horrible affliction. I wish you the very best.
Mr B
Mr Brightside, I think I made a fair and valid point, as well as a good observation.
I am indeed referring to the dialogue BornAgain had with JamesP a while back; JamesP was good enough and kind enough to lend advice, - no-one does more for anyone here than JamesP and his commitment, warmth, kind and caring nature is beyond parallel in my opinion.
I did wish BornAgain well, but I wished he had been kinder to others along the way. I stand by those comments without reservation. No offence Mr Brightside, but that is how I see things, and that is how I feel, as did many others on the other thread.
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