2019 - My Turning Point?

A rocky weekend where my urges to gamble, at times, have been strong.

It’s only because I have GamStop in place that I probably didn’t if I’m honest. I don’t like the thought of going into bookies anymore. It seems like too much effort for me.

The urges have dissappeared again for now and I’m back to feeling quite level again. But I know that I always have to be on my guard. I don’t know what brings it on.

Money wise, I’m probably about 50% of the way to repairing the damage that I did in the last few months of 2018.

I’m just hoping that a complete year of being (more or less) gamble free will give me the belief that I don’t need gambling in my life. At the moment, I feel like I’m in a transitional period of my life.

I’m telling myself that these feelings and urges won’t just go away overnight. The longer I’m gamble free, the less I’ll feel that I need it.

DD,

Great post to read. You deserve a big pat on the back.

That’s what this is all about. You had an urge to gamble, you didn’t gamble because of the efforts that you previously made to make this difficult to act on when an urge arrived. Sounds like a sensible and intelligent plan to me.

You mentioned that you are half way to paying off your previous debt from last year. Great news and because of this weekends actions you are still on track.

I hope everyone gets to read your post. You’re not there yet but you’re getting there and that’s enough.

High five from me buddy.

Tomso

Thanks Tomso,

I was asking myself the other day about whether or not I am in a better position now than when I first joined the Gamcare forum in September 2016?.... Have I made progress in eliminating gambling from my life? The answer to both of those questions is ‘Yes’.

Have I had relapses during that time? Hell yes! Fairly big ones at that.

But each time I’ve relapsed I’ve come back stronger and put a considerable amount of gamble free time inbetween. With each time, I’ve managed to abstain for longer. Managing this addiction, for me anyway, is progressional.

I may not even crack it this time. Or the next time! Or I may not ever crack it completely.

But I feel as though I’ve stopped the heavy bleeding of destructive gambling and that is allowing me to make some form of a recovery.

This for me is progress and that’s all that counts. It was never my intention to use the method of gradually phasing my gambling out. It’s just the way it has worked out. With each year that has passed (over the last 3 years) my losses have gotten fewer and far between and my urges to gamble have lessened too. Again, this is progress.

I’m hopeful of getting to a place one day whereby gambling no longer plays any part in my life or even my mindset.

But that’s for the future. For now, the present day, I’m winning and living my life how I should be living it.

I think it goes without saying that if there had been no sport in my life then I’d have probably not gotten involved with sports betting. But would I have concentrated my gambling on Casino games/slots instead? Was I destined to always be a gambler? I don’t know. My grandad was a massive gambler to the point where he almost lost his house. My dad had gambling tendencies too.

What I do know though is that I don’t regret being brought up into a world of sport because it’s provided me with so much entertainment over the years, in particular watching my local team every Saturday with my dad.

I’ve admitted to myself that I need to cut down on the amount of sport I watch. Sport that is otherwise meaningless to me and that would encourage me to try and make it more interesting. Such as a random second division German match on BT Sports. But I won’t stop myself watching all sport because that would change me completely and I don’t believe I need to be that drastic. It wouldn’t benefit me in any way.

But is that because I’ve not hit ‘rock bottom’? I’ve always had savings, never been in debt, never taken out a loan, my credit rating has always been the very best it can be (999?). Never missed a bill payment etc. So is that why I’ve not felt the need to make such drastic changes? I believe everybody has own their own personal ‘rock bottom’ but I admit that my situation with regards to my problem gambling hasn’t reached a level that others have reached on here.

That’s not to say I have control - because I certainly don’t.

True. But I don’t regret having sport in my life. It’s my addictive personality that is to blame for my Compulsive gambling. Not my love of sport. I’m sure that if sport wasn’t in my life, I’d have probably found another way to gamble in an irresponsible and destructive manner.

DD,

I should know better than getting involved in t*t for tat disputes on other diaries however, I felt compelled to reply on your diary regarding some of the comments posted on your diary.

First of all, you are doing a marverllous job in your recovery. Do not believe for a single minute that you need to hit "rock bottom" before starting a successful recovery program. This is utter nonsense. Lots of people may require a rock bottom but that may not include you and most certainly didn't include me. Nobody has to wait until they are obese before dealing with their over eating issues. We have the ability to take responsibility for our own issues. It is hard, life is harder and some find it harder than others.

ALN has quoted that he watched TV for 19 hours between Saturday and Sunday. He doesn't need to quit watching sport he needs to quit watching TV. That is a problem that he is dealing with in his own way which I respect but often the character defect of a CG is to convince everyone that their way is the correct way, the only way and if you don't do as they say then you are wrong. This is not the case. I have it in my make-up to act this way sometimes. It can be at home or at work. Its probably not right to do it on a recovery diary where people are vulnerable to criticism and are simply looking for support and comfort.

I hope that you can be strong enough to not allow others to derail your recovery or make you think that you need to do somethng that you are not comfortable with. This is your recovery. Do what you think is right and if, God forbid, you were to ever fail then quickly learn from it and press on.

Take care.

Tomso.

I always seem to involve myself in T for T disputes :(( .

DD , I'm not sure if ALN genuinely doesn't like the way you choose to conduct your recovery / rediscovery or that he's actually a little jealous of the way you can continue to do thing's ? .

If theres one thing I dislike it's the " Handing out of the Tablet's from the Mount on high " .

You carry on doing whatever suits you my friend and as long as you feel comfortable and in control of your life then what more could you wish for :)) .

Enjoy your day fella .

No, I don’t currently have kids. That is probably a significant difference between myself and others on here.

Thanks ALN, I wish you well in your recovery too.

Tomso, A9 - Thanks too for your much needed support on my journey. It means a lot to read your messages and that you understand where I’m coming from.

As ALN pointed out previously, it’s perhaps difficult to understand recovery methods, like my own , when you’ve experienced different levels of failure as a gambler.

Being a compulsive gambler is a spectrum. Like many other things in life. Everybody has different triggers which could reignite their desire to gamble. But watching sport isn’t one of mine. Especially watching my local team.

My triggers lie elsewhere. Mainly through boredom and habit. Switching away from sport wouldn’t ever help me in any way. In some ways it would make things worse.

Another Saturday has come and gone.... any temptations? A little, but nothing too major.

I can’t believe how quickly this year is motoring along. 3 and a half months ago I was battered, bruised and in desperate need of a proper gameplan to move forward with my life. I needed to grab a hold of my life before I did some seriously damaging things to my finances. I’ll be honest, I didn’t see how I was going to achieve this at first. I was mentally exhausted after blowing roughly £1,300 in a 2 day period at the start of December. But by taking it day by day, I’ve felt as though I’ve grown stronger in my recovery. I now have a proper gameplan in place. My mindset feels different this time around. I am loving having no secrets in my life. Nothing to fear in terms of being caught out. My bank statements for the last 3 months look clean.

For anyone just starting out, put all the gambling blocks you can in place. Especially if you’re an online gambler, Gamstop is in my opinion an absolute necessity. Yes, it’ll be frustrating when you discover after a week or so that you can no longer access a site online to play at. But those urges will go over time once you get used to the fact that the option is no longer available.

My daily thoughts are no longer filled with gambling. I was sat at a family party on NYE, telling myself that this time next year, I wanted to be in a position of strength, due to no longer gambling. It’s still early days but so far, so good.

6 more days until I reach my 3rd consecutive payday without gambling. The wreckage from December is slowly clearing and I have recovered/replaced about 75% of my losses.

With a healthy looking bank account and no real means to gamble, thanks to GamStop, I look to be taking some kind of control over my life. Finally. I told myself that I wanted 2019 to be the turning point in my life. Almost a quarter of the way through the year and I’ve stuck to my word.

Things are getting better as each day passes. It’s by no means been easy. I’ve had some tough days, especially very early on. But by taking every day as a fresh challenge, I’ve got to this point and I’m now feeling happy and relaxed about things again. Relatively guilt free. I cannot change the past but I am working hard to try and make the future a brighter one.

On Monday and Tuesday night I tuned in to ITV to watch Harry’s Heroes. Mainly because I’d heard and read about Paul Merson’s difficulty with gambling and was intrigued to see him talk about.

Whilst it was heartbreaking to watch at the time, it was also comforting to know that it does happen to other people, even celebrities/sports stars. Addiction can be a very lonely place and you can sometimes forget that it’s not just yourself that is going through it. I’m sure gambling is rife in footballers. I often wonder why some players make strange/unexpected transfers to other clubs or to China etc and I sometimes think that it’s because they’ve gambled away a lot of money. I once read about a footballer, Michael Chopra, signing for another club, simply because gambling had left him that skint, that he needed the signing on fee desperately to repay debts owed to people. It’s so sad how this addiction is growing in this country. I only hope that this is the height of it all and that it slows down and decreases.

caughtup wrote:

Dan, hello me old mate! Just checking in as haven’t been on here for a few weeks! I have been busy moving forward and living and loving my life. Love not having the guilt weighing me down, feel a happier, confident and more honest person than I did this time last year. I will be healthier too and when I look in the mirror I see a much happier, healther and better version of myself than an older looking, worried, ashamed blurred version of myself back then. How have you been keeping, so proud to see you are doing so well! Those days and weeks and months are racking up, well done. Anyway just wanted to say hi and to send lots of love to my GF friend xx have a fab weekend xx

Hello you 🙂 lovely to hear from you. I’m glad you’re still keeping well and staying off the gambling rollercoaster. That’s fantastic! Likewise, I’m feeling the benefits of not giving away my hard earned cash. I’m able to give myself a much better life which makes me happy.

Keep on being that healthier, happier and guilt free version of you. It’s a much more attract version than the older gambling version.

Thanks for your lovely message of support. It means such a lot! You’ve been there from the start of my gambling troubles and you’ve never given up on me.

Keep on winning, Caughtup 🙂 x

Reminder wrote:

Glad to see you are still going strong Dan!

Cheers Reminder, as each day passes I’m feeling stronger.

Payday tomorrow. Another £200 banked and put into my savings.

It’s amazing really just how much you save each month from not gambling.

2019 continues to be my turning point. I’m determined to stick to my word and the title of my diary.

I’m looking to save up a bit more money and then treat myself in the Summer to a little holiday and some home improvements.

I’ve been scared to do this in the past due to the volatile nature of my finances. Not anymore! Without gambling in my life, they’re finally stable.

I’d rather see money leave my account for life experiences or things to improve my home.