Hello my name is Joe and I have recently accepted that I am a gambling addict. Today is the day I truely began steps to control this addiction. I've already started counselling however I've had a couple of relapses this past week, however I am now excluded from every site I have accounts for and even joined and excluded from several others before even betting. I've also installed a blocker on my laptop so I have nowhere to bet now.
Gambling became an issue around 4 years ago whilst I was receiving treatment for something that left me very isolated, angry and alone. Treatment was supposed to last for 3 months; it ended up being two years as what I had would just not go away. Feeling like there was no excitement in my life gambling became a hobby but quickly turned into to something far more sinister. Up until 6 months ago whilst it was bad; I had a certain amount of control and discipline with it. There were even times where I had broke even; but like any addict I couldnt walk away. Things took a massive turn for the worse at the start of the year. I had been battling depression and felt completely lifeless so the gambling increased.
One roller coaster of an afternoon I lost £1200 but recouped my loses to a balance of £5000; the next day I was on top of the world. During the drive home from work I started thinking; another £3000 and I can pay all my debts off. I need to go for this. £9000 later I'm at rock bottom. I told myself walk away forever this time. And I did. For 6 weeks. Then I was back to it once again. Yet again; £4000 won. A couple of weeks later I hit it hard and smashed my way through £10'000 in 3 hours. I had £800 left in the overdraft so took a risk; amazingly I won £11'000 back playing roulette. That was the biggest rush of my life; from being rock bottom to total joy in 40 minutes; I can't describe it. I wanted that feeling over and over again but knew the risks in chasing it were far great than the reward. After all theres only one winner in this game.
Again I swore that way the last time. I'd nearly lost everything but was given a second chance. Again I went back to it and this time actually added a another £3000 to it which paid off a credit card bar £200. I should have just left it there but wanted that £200. Over the next 36 hours I blew £17'000. There was now miracle this time; not even a sniff of a chance all for that £200. In the grand scheme of things what was that £200?
I now find myself in £35'000 worth of debt; I must add that not all of that is from gambling but the majority. I've got 13 months left to run on an interest only mortgage; with next to no chance of remortgaging now due to debts. I'm probably going to have to sell the house and that hurts more than anything because my Mum helped me get this place 10 years ago taking money out of her own house. I can't tell you how ashamed I feel.
I've yet to speak to my parents about this; I feel I need to stick with the counselling for a few more sessions to get myself into a better place; but I'm terrified of the reaction; the stress it will put them under; the shame of who they will tell. I don't want any money from them. This is my mess and although things are tight I can manage it financially provided I stay away from gambling.
I'm scared of relapsing; scared of losing the ones closest to me. The hardest part in all this is trying to forgive myself; no matter how hard I try I can't do it but I keep telling myself that my past cannot be my legacy.
One day at a time. Day 1 has been hard. The Days that follow will be harder but I have to get through this.
Hello Joe
Welcome to the forum.
Self-excluding, starting counselling and installing blocking software are all very positive steps in the right direction.
Well done.
Understanding why we gamble can be paramount in the battle against addiction.
Encouraging to see you addressing why you gamble in your opening post. You seem to have a good understanding already; counselling should further help you with this - I wish you well with your counselling.
Telling your parents will understandably be another massive step. Difficult as it is having the addiction out in the open is often a huge relief for people and also beneficial because your addiction will no longer be hidden under a veil of secrecy that gambling addiction will thrive behind.
Forgiving yourself isn't going to happen overnight. It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do. Very tough. Work hard, live right and you'll get there some day.
Lots of positives to take from your opening post.
Let's get creating that legacy!
It will take time, you have made a good start, you're on your way.
Blessings
Glint
Day 3
I went to bed last night with a sense of relief that I could sleep and not have to get up for work in the morning. At least sleep would help me forget things for a few hours; but then you wake up and have to look yourself in the mirror and it all comes flooding back. I'm so up and down at the moment and think I need to talk to my family sooner than later because keeping this from them is tearing me apart.
I've decided I will tell them in the next month and whilst it's not going to be easy I think the sense of relief and them knowing this is out in the open will help with the recovery.
Glint thank you for your supportive post.
Hi joeys, it's normal to be up and down the first few weeks (I say weeks because I was weeks but some are days), but push through and things will start to settle down. For me personally, having the support of my husband this time round has made a huge difference to my recovery, on my first serious attempt he didn't know I was trying to quit (he knew I gambled) so there was no support but this time he knows and tells me he's proud and if I'm getting stressed he sends me for "me time" so I can unwind and try and put myself in to a much more positive frame of mind.
Hang in there, it does get easier 🙂
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