A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

Hi Roxy,

Welcome to diaries! 9 days is a progress netherless and further than day 5 I find myself at. 

Your post speaks out volumes to me. You are doing great with no smoking.  I smoked for many years before I switched to vaping and truthfully, even I know it's not doing me any good, I cannot to kick the habit completely.  Reading you being free from it for 7 or 6 years gives me hope!

I went few years without gambling until last week..I slipped..and as you say, I fell catastrophically. Went on for good 4 days..and nights.. and it's very real nightmare I don't want to experience again. 

It's our choice and our lives. And we have options. Just stopping is easy, staying stopped is real challenge.

I agree, we are gamblers and that will not change. Figuring out how to stay safe and keep abstinence is down to us. I wish you strength and life long commitment..one day at a time.

S x

S - many thanks for your reply, and a huge well done for picking yourself up again and reaching day five. It takes a tremendous strength of will and you should be proud of yourself. 

Day 10

I am now on double figures if I make it to the end of today. I am trying to keep on track by reminding myself 'just for today, I will not gamble'. I also read a post on here, I think from mixer, that had a very profound phrase that will resonate with all compulsive gamblers. 'you never win because you always give it back'. This was so true for me, even when I was significantly 'up' I could never just walk away, I always thought I could win more. When I reflect on it, I was almost disappointed if I had a big win early into a gambling session, as I knew the sensible thing to do would be to just stop there. But I didn't want to stop.

As the beginnings of a change in consciousness start to uncloud my mind, I become more and more shocked and horrified at the proliferation of gambling sponsorship, adverts on TV, and all the texts and emails I am bombarded with on an hourly basis. These texts, emails and even phone calls are calling out to me, trying to seduce me with promises of 'free spins' and bonuses. I still dream of my favourite slot game, and in my dreams I win the elusive jackpot and all is well again, I have chased my losses and caught them, and ended up with the biggest of wins. But if it had been tainted by reality, this dream would have turned to a nightmare as I would loose it all again and then some, chasing an even bigger win. I cannot gamble because I don't know when to stop. 

I must forgive myself my losses and accept that they have happened, that money is gone for good. What is in my control is to stop wasting money from here on in. 

@aoxbg6d3ji 10 days is amazing  .  I’m extremely sick with this addiction and have been trying to quit for20 years without any success at all so this time I really wanna do it . Only day 1 for me been up all night feeling like absolute c**P after gambking again yesterday .

Hi 

Forgive yourself your losses. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Wishing you the strongest of inner strength to fight this demon. I know how hard it is. 

Posted by: @aoxbg6d3ji

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So today I am embarking on day nine gamble free. This is my first serious attempt to quit, and I hope with all my soul it will be my one and only. However I know from spending many years attempting to quit smoking, it's not always that straightforward! I am currently on my about 98th attempt to quit smoking, this time I have just Passed the six year mark.  But one previous attempt to quit lasted 7 years until I found my kitten dead on the side of the road. Once an addict, always an addict. Some people are capable of simply reducing the frequency and intensity of their problem behaviour to the point where it is no longer an issue. I am not one of those people. I am an addict and I always will be, abstinence is the only option. I know that if I slip, I will fall catastrophically. I am thankful not to be in any debt, but I have recently seen a large chunk of my savings disappear. This needs to stop. This will stop. 

 

 

 

Thank you Frank 🙂

Day 11. Working from home today. Brief break to write in my journal. Have been writing down how much I save each day I abstein (having worked out my average daily spend, taking average winnings into account). It feels very reassuring to see the number go up each day. A much better feeling than seeing how much my bank balance has gone down.

At the moment the urges to gamble are quite intense. I am not sure I understand yet why it has such a powerful grip on me. I will stay strong and just for today, I will not gamble. 

😀hey congrats on the days they will mount up quicker then u think keep on doing what u doing big respect I catch ya in a few days 

Thank you Webber. It's such a help knowing people are following my progress. Something about being accountable I think 🤔. And it's good to read the diaries of others. Wishing you the best x

Day 12.

Urges a plenty today. Am fighting a battle with myself, a constant inner dialogue with the gambler inside me.

Gambling Roxy - "just one little go on the slots, just twenty pounds. You'll be able to stop and walk away".

Sensible Roxy - "No no no, a thousand times no. You will Not stop. You cannot stop. You know this. Now let's go for a nice swim". 

So far, sensible me is winning the war. 

Just for today, I will not gamble. 

Wishing you all a stronger sensible side. 

Congrats on getting to day 12, Roxy! Great job so far. I think that you have a major advantage by having the experience of beating smoking addiction behind you. Based on your experience, you can definitely draw some connections between smoking and gambling to increase your chances of success.

Why do you think you're getting those urges? Are there certain impulses that provoke them? Like, are your blocks good enough, or is there room to tighten them? Based on my experience, I don't get urges when blocks are in place, and when I have no triggers that activate my past mental patterns. On the other hand, I did get urges when there were small windows that allowed me to sneak back into the gambling world.

Keep pushing and keep sensible Roxy behind the wheel!

Hi Good fella 

Thanks for your post, you ask an excellent question. I have blocks in place (gamban on most devices and a gambling transactions ban from my bank.). The devices I have not installed it on belong to my partner too (an extra phone and a laptop) and he has asked me not to install any blocking software on these (we watch football and darts through streaming on the laptop and gamban would stop us from doing this.).

So temptation has been within reach this whole time. If I fail this attempt, my next strategy will be to come clean with everyone and hand over total financial control to my mother. This is a powerful motivator as I have no wish to do either. I have told my best friend and I am getting support from gamcare. 

Awesome progress so far. forgetting the losses is key. It’s interesting to me that you still have a route to gambling and are staying strong. I have a work phone I could quite easily gamble on. I know this. It’s always been there. I can’t put Gamban on this phone. I also know it’s not monitored by work. Very strange for some in recovery but this challenge for me keeps me going. I hit this process with a huge motivation to quit. Having that there inspires me more and gives me an enormous sense of accomplishment. I’ve always been able to do things if I really set my mind to it and this is another way I’m proving it to myself.

Not the standard advice, and I appreciate that, but if you really want this, nothing will stand in your way and you sound like you are in a really good headspace to beat this. Well done 

Stay strong 💪 

Hey weirdfish

Your post makes a lot of sense to me. Something about having the means nearby, and readily accessible, makes the accomplishment of not failing an even greater one. But I have promised myself that if I do fail, I'm going the nuclear option, ie, tell everyone, blocks on everything, and handing over financial control. 

Day 13

By far the longest I have not gambled for in the last four years. Sensible Roxy is still in charge. I have worked out that so far, I have saved 300 quid. That's almost enough to visit my daughter in America. Food for thought...... It's also enough to buy the new luxury garden swing I have been eyeing up for about twelve months now...... And enough for my partner and I to get away for a weekend somewhere.

It's staggering to think how much extra money I will have if I stay on this path. I just need to find something else that can replace the buzz. Thanks to a conversation last night with someone from gamcare, I think gambling has been replacing the buzz I used to get from judo, which I had to stop when I shattered my ankle. Something else competitive would be good. Maybe a local darts team, my partner and I play at home a lot. 

Wishing the very strongest of wills to all you recovering gamblers out there. Never give up on giving up. Even if you fail, pick yourself up again until you succeed.