A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

Hi Roxy,

Find your diary inspiring. I like to see sensible Roxy typing away.

Very true about blocks. I finally ended this merry go round I was stuck in all week and installed blocks on device this morning.  

It makes you think k what money we can save on and where to spend and how different it suddenly is when it turns ro gambling. 

To shame of mine..I have like 4 items in my cart for my project which I could easily bought few days ago..but no...let's save every penny...for then just to waste it on slots. There is no rationale at all..its madness...absolute madness.  

Now I'm 1k down, items still in my cart and even if I could buy them still, I am dragging my feet.thats ugly gambler in me, being selfish and not allowing to enjoy real things in life. Simple things..like a tap mixer for a bath 🤣...simple as that..

Well, at least I'm hoping I put the end to possible disasters for now. I hope I will go strength to strength. 

You're doing great! Set a goal, weekend away, long eyed garden swing and of course visiting your daughter...so much to do and see and enjoy..and you are so deserving of that!

I'll keep you posted with my mixer tap and other stuff in my basket. And my journey. ..back to the start for me today but a start for a long road ahead.

Stay safe x

Hi

Thank you for your post :). Sensible Roxy is typing this from a hillside in a forest in the beautiful Welsh valleys. Gambling roxy persuaded her to look for free spins earlier. Luckily sensible Roxy forced that weak gambler out of the door before she could deposit and to the forest at the end of the road. Enjoying the beauty and sounds of nature, the rushing water and birdsong. On previous walks I would have been sat here gambling, but thanks to gamban that's impossible, giving me the precious opportunity to enjoy this beautiful peace that is now descending. 

Well done for embarking on day one again. I have literally lost count of the day 1's I had when trying to quit smoking but I suspect I can count them in three figures.

Never give up giving up xx

My favourite recovery saying:

'Gamblers gamble to win the life they would have if they didn't gamble'

You are already seeing the benefits of having money and you've done this by simply not gambling. Well done

Stay strong 👍 

I love that saying weirdfish it's so true. 

Day 14 

If I make it through to the end of today it's two whole weeks! About three weeks ago I definitely couldn't imagine myself getting this far. The slots and casino sites still call out to me with their siren songs, trying to seduce and begile me through a constant bombarding combination of adverts, texts and emails. And I feel the urges wash over me like a physical pull that is so difficult to resist in the moment.

But.......... sensible Roxy is still in control. It doesn't matter if I win or how much I win, I will still give it all back. On the few occasions I've managed a big win and walked away, something always makes me go back the following day. So I NEVER win, that is the reality of the situation.

I was pleased to note this morning that my first thought was not of gambling, it was to come here, update my diary and see how everyone is doing.

Wishing everyone the strongest of wills xx

Day 15

Wow, two weeks without gambling now. I think that the really hard work begins now. I have just been focused on not giving into temptation and nearly all my energies have been focused on any diversionary tactics I can think of. Now it feels like I need to turn my attention to what will replace it, as it took up so much of my thoughts and time. I'm truth I feel somewhat bereft without it. It seems sad to think I will never do it again. 

It doesn't help that my partner still gambles....last night I saw him turn 100 quid into 450 quid and loose it all. I sometimes watch so I can have a vicarious gambling thrill. I'm not sure if this helps me or makes it worse. I did think when he was up over 300 quid and was so pleased with himself, it doesn't matter as you will loose it chasing a bigger win. And even if you take it out, you'll just put it back in a different site tomorrow.

It felt good that it was not me who just burned 100 quid. I do consider him to have a problem, but he's not ready to admit it. I never lend him money (anymore, I did once so he could clear his 2k overdraft and he just gambled it in a couple of days), and our finances are completely separate. We spend very little money outside of gambling as I own our home outright and we use the marvellous olio and this pays for all our food. So his addiction does not cause me a financial problem. He pays my mobile phone bill and gives me a decent contribution towards bills etc. And he's great at saving up what he needs to, when he needs to.

He's the most thoughtful man I have ever met, and has been a huge support to me during some very difficult times. So I don't give him a hard time about his gambling. I just tell him that if/when he's ready, I will support him to stop. 

Hi Roxy,

Congrats on 15 days GF! Your hard work and determination is commendable. I truly enjoy reading your posts, and I too have started keeping a daily diary on here. I completely agree that coming here to write out my thiught/feelings and experiences is incredibly helpful with the recovery process. I have found that when I have that urge, writing it down or mediatating for a minute helps quell that urge. 

Im only at on day 5, but I can say that between reading this forum and using some self-help apps I have began to develope a better understanding of my triggers, and the thiught process behind chancing losses, which was a practice I blindly engaged in without a second thought. Such destructive behavior…

I am happy to hear you have your loved one’s support - but how you are able to keep you composure when he partakes in gambling is quite something. Shows you have self-control and the determinatikn to beat this habit. Perhaps your story will awake your partners will to quit in the near future.

Keep working at it, keep using this forum, and keep reminding yourself that by abstaining your are building that life you always wanted.

all the best

Jbruce

Hi J Bruce

Thank you for your post, I have been keeping up with your entries too. Huge congratulations on your progress thus far :D.

I have previously quit smoking whilst living with a different partner, and I actually used to find rolling his cigarettes helped with the withdrawal process as I was so used to rolling them and my fingers felt bereft without being able to do this! I have also quit drinking  for six months whilst the current partner enjoys a drink four days out of every week! Perhaps I enjoy the additional challenge that having temptation so close brings. Weird, I know. I have had a spare phone close by with no blocking software (apart from the first couple of days when I felt too weak, and I hid it in my partners tee shirt draw) as well. 

All the best to you, wishing you an excellent gamble free day. 

Day 16

Still here and still gamble free. Sat drinking my morning coffee with my gorgeous cat hathaway purring on my lap. When I used to gamble hathaway would alway try to elicit strokes from me (he likes to know both my hands are engaged in the import business of stroking him), and I'd be irritated as it would take precious time away from pressing the button of the soul sucking slots. Now I'm really present in the moment with him :). A mindful cat cuddle is definitely better than a mindless one. 

Been contacted by a lady gamcare reffered me to, to set up telephone counselling. I'm nervous (first appointment next week), but I think it will do me good to explore why I was in the grip of such a compulsion. I feel like I may have to lay my soul bare to do this. But I'm committed to beating this so I'll accept whatever support I am offered.

Despite initially thinking I would not tell anyone in my real life about my problem, due to feeling so ashamed of myself, I have now told a couple of friends. And it made me think, it was the gamble monster (other roxy) who wanted me to keep everything secret as it made it easier for her to tighten her grip on me. Since I have told a couple of friends, my gamble monster has definitely gotten smaller and lost power. She's still there though, in the corner, and I think she always will be. I will make sure I am vigilant and I won't let her win.

For the first time in a long time I have been able to transfer some money back to my savings account. God it felt good :). I like sensible Roxy. 

Just for today, I will not gamble. 

Day 17

Still here, still gamble free. It truly is an addiction. Like when I first gave up drinking and weed, the absence of my addiction is forcing me to confront the emotions that are now bubbling to the service. This gambling problem became uncontrollable when my daughter told me she was moving to America permanently. The pervasive sadness this brought upon me was too much to bear, so I did my usual trick of letting an addiction numb the pain. 

But I realise now that I am grieving. Grieving the loss of the once close relationship I had with her (we used to see each other every week), and grieving the loss of the future I had imagined when my grandchildren came along. She is happier than she has ever been, and I kept telling myself to be sad was to be selfish, as her mother her happiness matters far more to me than my own. And I know how much she loves me, and I am in no doubt that if I needed her she would drop everything to be by my side.

I have brought up a wonderful, kind, and fiercely independent woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to take it :). And I'm so happy for her. But I'm so sad for me too, and that's OK. Sensible Roxy is a bit tearful today, but I'll accept that as part of my recovery process.

Just for today, I will not gamble 

Sensible Roxy is awesome! Great to see she is still firmly in the driving seat. 

Lots of emotions will come out over the next few days/months. Before you were consumed by gambling which distracted you from everything. Enjoy the ride. You'll discover the better you. You'll find new time you never knew you had. It's great!

Stay strong, and keep the better Roxy in charge! 👍 

@aoxbg6d3ji. Hiya Roxy, your thread is the first new one that I have ventured into after a recent lapse and I am really glad that I read it.  Well done you.

It sounds as though you are a great mum.  You must be very proud 💪🏼 😊 

I think many of us here have used gambling to block out unwanted feelings.  I certainly have.  It can be really empowering to realise this as it means we can tackle the feelings head on.

The world is far more connected than it used to be.  I have family overseas but with WhatsApp and zoom we hardly notice.  True there is nothing like being in the same room but thanks to tech you don't have to feel parted.

Make sure you give yourself space and strategies to protect yourself from gambling when the feelings come.

Thank you both so much for the posts, it helps more than you can imagine! I follow your progress and am rooting for you both on this journey of recovery. And nice to know my experience of overwhelming emotions bubbling up are common and part of the process. And thanks bean, I am mega proud of my daughter. She is a very impressive young woman :).

Day 18 and this will be a fairly short entry as I have a busy day ahead with work and other stuff. But I remain gamble free, and I look forward to the counselling session I have tomorrow with the lady from gamcare. 

I have definitely noticed less urges which is most pleasing, though I do continue to feel quite 'fidgety', which I think is the best way to describe the feeling. My cat benefits from this as I am stroking him a lot more, gives me something to do with my hand instead of pressing the soul sucking slot button.

Enjoying waking up each morning and watching the total i have saved through not gambling mount up, little by little.

Just for today, I will not gamble 

Day 19 gamble free. Therapy appointment with gamcare later, feels like it's coming just at the right time. I seem to be entering a new phase in my recovery. I've taken away the numbing agent, and I've been feeling fidgety, tearful and anxious. It's really quite difficult, but I have not come this far to fail and go through it all again.

The fact is, I can't afford to go through it all again. There are things I need to pay for, and they have to take priority over gambling. Gambling Roxy has tried again to convince me, she whispers softly in my ear "you know this will make you feel better. Your mind will stop, and you can just watch the patterns and lights. Just 20 quid won't make any difference. You could turn it into hundreds, you've done it before." But sensible Roxy knows her gambling monster cannot be put back in the box once she has been let out. All the progress I have made, and the money I have saved, would be wiped out in mere minutes. Because it stops feeling like real money once you've deposited. 

I shall sail on my own resolve until 7pm, and then talk all this through with my counsellor.

Just for today, I will not gamble (ps I don't go to GA, I just really like those words).

Stay strong 💪 

Hey Roxy love reading ur replies so glad u doing well keep it up u can do this I’m 62 days clean 

catch ya soon 

Hi @vghz8adq7s

Thank you so much for your post, it's really appreciated to know some people follow me here. It really helps me stay strong. Huge congratulations on your achievement, I'm a bit behind you, but it's an honour to be walking down the road to recovery with you 🙂