A journal of the newbie recovering gambler

Hi Sensible Roxy.

It's absolutely wonderful to see you doing so well on recovery this time around, especially with gambling Roxy trying to tempt you back into your old, bad ways.

Hopefully the counselling sessions are working for you and you can keep on fighting the good fight. Nice speaking to you in the chatroom too.

You got this. 💪🏾

Thank you Jay, and was good to speak to you as well. 

Day 20

Still not gambling despite some feelings of desperately wanting too. I used to be so good with money before I met gambling Roxy. I need to get back to that sensible level headed Roxy so I can build up my savings again and feel more financially secure.

@aoxbg6d3ji go get it!! Keep at it! I feel the same way. I use to have tonnes of money saved, bought a house and had some renovations completed - then I met gambling me and all my savings disappeared and my debts grew.

stay positive, think of the old Roxy and her saving habits and keep that in your mind when times are tough. Set obtainable goals for your financial self, and become a new and improved version of your older and sensible Roxy - you got this!!

Stay strong!

Thank you so much for your post :). You can't really underestimate what a boost to strength it is being on gamcare, it's a combination of reading others stories, writing my own journal and kind people (like yourself) following me and rooting for me and sharing their experiences and knowledge with me. This really makes me feel like I have so much company when walking down the road to recovery. 

Day 21

Wow, make it through to the end of today and it's three whole weeks. I am still getting plenty of urges, but I refuse to come this far just to start again. I must not be complacent, I know myself well and there is a strong probability that just "one small deposit" will lead to the eradication of the rest of my savings. And I need them to visit my daughter and other things.

Spoke to my daughter for an hour yesterday, it really lifted my spirits, especially learning that she is likely to be visiting the UK again fairly soon, and probably coming to stay with me for a couple of days :).

I am definitely starting to feel different, like there is more room in my head now. It's nice to be able to plan things i will now be able to afford, and I'm finding it most surprising how little money I spend on the every day stuff when I am not gambling. I know for some it is hard to think of how much money they have lost to their gambling monster, but for me forcing myself to confront that for the first time (as I deliberately did not want to know or think about it) was the short sharp shock I need to wake me up from zombie, gambling Roxy. Sensible Roxy was horrified when she forced herself to add up all the losses, and decided enough was enough.

Just for today, I will not gamble. 

Day 22

Still here, still gamble free. Gambling Roxy used to like to get out of bed and sit and stare at her phone in a trance, only breaking away from the repetitive button pressing to press other buttons that took her money from her bank account. Gambling Roxy would sit there for hours like a zombie, ignoring her hunger, full bladder, meowing cat and friends she promised to phone. Gambling Roxy barely spoke to her beloved other half, pretending to take part in conversations with him, but in reality she was barely listening.

Sensible Roxy likes to get up and check her phone for news, and to check in with gamcare. Sensible Roxy finds it helpful to keep a journal, and helpful to read the trials and tribulations of other. Sensible Roxy loves to consult her ledger of the money she has been saving since she took control of the reigns. Sensible Roxy cannot get drunk, which is good as that used to put gambling Roxy firmly in control. 

All the best to my fellow recovering gamblers, whatever stage you are at. Keep 💪 

Sensible Roxy 

Sensible Roxy is awesome. Great work so far. So good to see you enjoying the benefits of not gambling already

Stay strong 💪 

Thank you fish, I really appreciate you looking in on me. Great work so far to you too! 

Day 23

Had my counselling session on the telephone with gamcare last night. Was really helpful, felt like we identified a lot of what has been going on for me since this compulsion really took over. Still no gambling, despite another overwhelming urge, always get them more in the morning, not sure why. Luckily sensible Roxy was on guard, and was able to stop gambling Roxy in her tracks by saying a very firm No.

Will be booking flights on Monday to see the daughter next May. Partner and mum are coming too, and mum being very awkward (wants the shortest possible direct flight, and extra leg room), so the tickets are going to be significantly more than they need to be. Sensible Roxy is annoyed with this, as she would prefer the cheapest possible option. But mum is 70 something, and an anxious flyer who suffers from arthritis, so sensible Roxy will go with what she wants.

Gambling Roxy would have had a tantrum and probably fell out with mum, as she would have gambled away the extra money she would have needed. Gambling Roxy could have happily burned the extra money needed in half an hour when she was at her most compulsive. 

Sensible Roxy is just better in every way. 

Just for today, I will not gamble 

@aoxbg6d3ji  well done Roxy.  It is nice to hear that sensible Roxy is winning out.

I am just picking up on what you wrote on your day 22 GF.  About having a full bladder but ignoring it due to gambling 🤣 

The same happened to me.  I also read one guy's account who said he would pee into a bucket while gambling rather than stop spinning the slots.

When I got counciling I spoke to a therapist about this.  He explained it and I think it is fascinating.....

When we, as compulsive gamblers, gamble we trigger our prefrontal cortex in the brain as well as the brain stem.  These are the parts of the brain that light up as well as the reward parts of the brain.  This also triggers adrenaline and dopamine.

So we fixate on the spin, get the reward and also a blast of adrenaline.  This overrides other senses like pain and discomfort.  That is why we get to the point that our bladders are so full and painful before actually going to take a leak.

That is how overwhelming a gambling compulsion is.  This is why it is such hard work at times to learn a new behaviour.

Sorry for the lecture 🤣 .  I just found it really interesting.  

Well done with your journey so far.

Thanks Bean! Mad to think how the physiology of it works!

Day 24

Mornings are definitely harder for me. My partner is somewhat nocturnal in his habits, so I am often alone until late morning/early afternoon. I have a very low boredom tolerance, which I used to deal with by gambling. Now I feel fidgety and restless, like I have too much energy or too many thoughts racing through my head.

So far in my recovery journey I have dealt with these moments by exercising, even if it's just to go out for a walk. Today this is impossible as I am struck down with "time of the month" cramps that are so painful they ripped me from my bed after just five hours sleep 😴. So I am dealing with the urges by writing my journal and reading other peoples stories. Luckily darts will be on soon and that will take my mind off it.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Hi Roxy,

I'm glad to read that you keep your rational and sensible head on and acknowledge urges when they come. They are annoying but we have choice to make those right decisions which you're are making each day.

Yes, they say keeping busy is one of the ways to deal with urges. Do you have blocks on your devices because I found that as soon as I put them on mine, urges disappeared back to where they been hiding all those years. It cut it completely and gave me peace of mind. I usually have. Every active lifestyle,  work or on days off. Constantly on a go but I also learned that if we want to, we can find time for this nasty addiction.  It's a reality, let it be sleepless night, skipped breakfast,  walk or dinner..we always find time for that if open ourselves for that possibility. I shut avenues down and it offered me freedom! 

I hope you keep staying safe, looking after yourself,  cramps have eased off (I find my periods hell of a time since covid vaccines actually...100 times worse!) and you're being kind to you 😊 x

One day at a time indeed, you're doing great!

Thanks SB

Still in the midst of "lady troubles" unfortunately! I don't have blocks on all the devices in the house, as they don't all belong to me, so technically the temptation has been inches away this whole time. That is bizarrely helping (I think), because the strength of will involved is more, and therefore the sense of accomplishment is greater.

I am not yet ready to come clean to my partner about my addiction, but I am getting closer to the point where I know I will. I have not told him so far partly because I am so ashamed of how much money I have squandered, but the main reason is that I do not want him to see me fail. But I am starting to feel a lot more confident in myself that I will succeed :).

Today is day 25, a mild urge this morning, but it was good to notice that the urge passed quicker than normal. Really starting to enjoy thinking about what I can now spend money on.

Just for today, I will not gamble 

Day 26

Wow! Can't believe it has been this long! Gambling Roxy seems to be shrinking on a daily basis. I'm glad, because I didn't like myself when she was around. Drunk Roxy was also an ****, and due to a cirrhosis scare last year, she is no longer permitted to be in the driving seat either.

Sensible Roxy never drinks more than nhs guidelines and she saves money. Sensible Roxy never wakes up with a hangover and feelings of regret over being horrible to her beloved, or burning a few hundred quid. It's good not to wake up with that awful feeling of regret.

Life is better without gambling. 

Just for today, I will not gamble. 

Day 27

Make it to the end of tomorrow and it's a whole month! Had a bit of a knock back today, didn't get an interview I went for. I really struggle with feeling rejected, and I had a passing thought that gambling Roxy would have known what to do to make me feel better. I was happy to note it was only fleeting, but it was accompanied by pangs of nostalgia.

Today was payday for my partner, and I watched him burn one hundred quid in about an hour and a half. I was glad it wasn't me, and glad our finances are separate. Also I was pleased to note he stopped before doing further damage was done. 

Just for today, I will not gamble 

It's been a month