A new start

Further reflections on day #3: I am completely physically and mentally drained today, struggling to get myself off the bed/sofa today - just want to crawl into a ball somewhere, anywhere. The money lost and the opportunity that this might have presented (in terms of what I could've spent it on with the family) are occupying my thoughts endlessly. I'm starting to wonder whether I'll ever forgive myself for this

What's wrong

Fella welcome to the forum, a place full of like minded folk who have a wealth of knowledge and won't judge you.

For me I will tell you that today addiction will be riding through your mind, it will see the fact that you haven't been honest with your wife a victory, I wonder if it's been whispering the same old tune it did me, that in some twisted way you have won,you have dodged the bullet by getting bailed out and that you can sit quietly until the coast is clear and without suspicion get back at it.

My advice tell your wife, in fact tell anyone who will listen, it will bring you short term pain but it will shut down addiction in its tracks. Addiction is progressive, my inability to be honest about how it ruled my every thought took me to a truly dark place, a place were I didn't want to live anymore.

Take the help on offer, phone gamcare speak honestly with them, find a GA room, seek advice from your gp,all these things will help you.

The losses, write them off,they are gone, addiction will tell you that you will eventually win them back and some because it wants you, it will take all you have to give and some.

We all live by the same mantra whilst active

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

you have gifted yourself an amazing opportunity, an opportunity to turn that mantra upon it's head

By abstaining we actually win,a 100% pay rise of your own making.

I wish you well and truly hope you fully commit because

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you duncanmac, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I'm sure you're right about confessing all to my partner; I'm just not sure I can at the moment.
I'm terrified of the repurcusions and the likely fallout, emotionally and trust wise. The disappointment this would give (to her) is more than I can handle - I'm feeling so low at the moment, I don't think I could pick myself up from that. I realise that screams "me, me, me", but thats just now I feel.

As I mentioned I've opened up to my parents, which I feel is a positive step in tackling this head-on and agreed to be an open book on that front - happy to share my bank statement etc with them on a regular basis. Also self-excluded online and offline, which I also feel is a positive move.

I feel like I've hit my rock bottom, I can't imagine feeling any worse than I do right now.

To be honest, im not even remotely thinking that gambling is a way out at this stage. It's burnt me far too hard to think otherwise; it repulses me to the core.

I won't have access to funds for quite a while either, which might prove a blessing in disguise at this stage.

Sorry my posts seem so despondent, I'm just at that stage of my recovery. Hopefully some positivity will show itself in the coming days/months/weeks

What's wrong

Fella never apologise, there's no right or wrong way to do this, it has to be a journey of your making, me I am just talking from my own experiences and nothing more, as I said nobody is here to judge you.

Just be aware that you have to be concrete in your actions, I know through experience how my wife felt when she discovered that I had talked to my Ma instead of her,without doubt I put a strain on both relationships through my actions and when the truth surfaced it was difficult for everyone.

I used to think that I was protecting my wife by not telling her, in fact I was hurting her more, because the signs of my losses were written all over my face and over my twenty year active gambling life she said it was like living with two people in one body the way my moods went high and low like a roller coaster.

Lastly with regards to not wanting a punt today, I get that, we have all worn that shirt.

Addiction will lay dormant, my own waited two and a half years for me to be enabled to gamble

What did I do at that opportunity? Gamble.

There's a triangle time-money-location If you take one away at all times that opportunity to gamble will be eradicated.

Often in the GA rooms I have heard the question asked

If you had money right now where would you be?

For me all to often I would have answered 'in the bookies' I had abstinence forced upon me through lack of funds many times and the moment funds became available I would run back to the open arms of addiction.

So keep putting those blocks in place, now that triangle is broken keep it that way.

For that be proud.

Regards Duncs.

Thank you duncs. It's great to hear other people's experience and I appreciate you taking the time and effort to share yours - it's really helpful and just the kind of support I need at this stage.

All the best

Welcome to the forum.

Good on you for opening up to your parents... a very difficult step and from my own experience whilst it can cause initial hurt, over time that will fade and the love will win through.

Something to keep in mind, again I talk from experience... having your parents bail you out will be a big relief and will have instantly released some pressure off you, but I urge caution... the way we think about gambling, not having to get the Mail first and bin it, field daily phone calls from debt collection agencies... we can be fooled into thinking that our debts have been paid, the slate is clean. Just something to be mindful of mate.

I think allowing your parents to check on request your account is a great idea, again not easy to do.

Regards telling your wife, perhaps today is not the day, but in time you may find yourself at a point where you are ready to tell her not only what you done, but what you have done since to help yourself, be that going to GA, counselling, coming on here, the control you have put in place with your parents.

The important thing is that you are seeking help for your problem. Continue to do so and you can take back your life.

Stay safe and GF mate.

Hi whatswrong,

The above posts have hit the nail on the head really. All I can say to you is that I am 33 days gamble free (after many failed attempts), and my life has had SUCH a huge improvement. I'm still gonna be in debt for another few years, and the after effects of gambling are quite evident - BUT even in that short space of time my life has improved SO much.

All I can say is focus on the today, and tomorrow. Before you know it your life will be starting to improve and get better. You just need to take it day by day. As long as you've got those blocks in place as a "just in case" you will be fine.

Best of luck!

Hi ste_ven and adam808. Thanks for posting and for the words of encouragement.

I thought long and hard about the "bailout" option - I appreciate that it can often facilitate a relapse, plus there's the shame of needing your parents help at my age, but the funds were soon diverted elsewhere (to replay what needed repaying). No that that's an excuse of course, but really the money had to come from somewhere. It's not a freebie either; theres a repayment plan in place so I'll always have the reminder of my actions hanging over my shoulder for the foreseeable future, which perhaps I should treat as a positive.

Perhaps ste_ven you're right re the wife - my road to recovery may well involve that in the future.

Adam_808, I appreciate the advise about taking one day at a time and its great to hear that after you're seeing some great results after 33 days GF.

Best of luck to all in your respective recoveries

I am a wife who wasn’t told, my son inadvertently exposed his father’s gambling and the fallout was dreadful.

Your recovery is your business but my experience is that not telling did not protect me or our children. Not telling allowed the addiction to continue. And as others have said, not telling is a form of control - I thought I was going mad when the evidence of my eyes was denied. I also can’t see how someone who respects me can possibly fail to tell me what I need to know. My experience was that my marriage, based on lies as it was, had become totally dysfunctional.

It’s not what you want to hear but honesty is the way forward.

CW

Thank you cynical_wife. I think I know deep down that you're absolutely spot-on and that's exactly what I ought to do. In truth I lack the courage to do so. That's a weakness on my part I make no bones about it. I feel terrible not confessing to her; we're going through a significant change at home at the moment and the timing is not great. I guess the timing is never, and never will be, great for an admission of this magnitude though.

Morning, WW,

A few thoughts, to take or leave as you will. People with courage don’t lack fear but they act where they have to despite their fear.

GA literature refers to bringing about a change in personality. That’s long term but it’s based on the idea that a functioning and well adjusted person doesn’t need to use. Shorter term, if you do the same old thing, you’ll get the same old results and despite the title of the diary, nothing changes if nothing changes.

No one on the forum has a stake in whether or not you tell your partner. It’s about your commitment to changing you and your life and taking the responsibility of an adult for what you do or don’t do as an adult. Addiction happens but your actions are your own.

Wish you well.

CW

Hi Whatwrong

Well done on what should be day 4 GF for you.

It is positive that you have put some blocks in place and now have the support of your parents.

I went through the same turmoil about telling my wife once I realised I had a problem and came up with all sorts of reasons why it was best not to tell her, pretending in my head that it was for her benefit whereas I knew it was my cowardice. I also considered confiding in my parents (I am 48 and they are in their 70s so you can imagine how desperate I was to consider that as an option). In the end I decided against it as these things will always come out one day and I thought it would probably hurt my wife even more if she thought I could confide in my parents but not her.

Everyone's circumstances are different and you need to make your own decision so do not feel pressurised by anyone on here. Telling my wife was without a doubt one of the worst days of my life and whilst we are trying to work on our relationship, it is obviously never going to be the same - not because of the lost money in my case but because of the realisation I had effectively been living a double life for four months and whilst not directly lying to her, was deceiving her by not telling her what was happening. By not telling your wife, you are also risking her finding out herseff which will be worse and if you chose to tell her in say 6 months, she may be even more upset that you carried on deceiving her for a further period of time.

There is no painless solution here but coping with this yourself is making this even harder.

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep posting.

Muststop123

Thanks MustStop123 - I appreciate the support and the advice.

Day 4 down and back at home for the day. Started a new job today, but annoyingly, my thoughts kept drifting away to the money lost in my most recent splurge. Had trouble sleeping last night for the same reason. I'm hoping that money-related negativity will pass in time.

Onwards to day 5...

Day 5, another night of disturbed sleep, waking up at 4-something am and not getting back to sleep - annoying!!!

2nd day in the new job. The job is out in the sticks with no bookies around for a couple of miles (excluded from those, even if I were close anyway) which helps on the "location" part of the triangle. Not that I'm tempted to go down that path mind - last week still lives fresh and painfully in the mind. Online accounts cancelled too.

Decided that when I do finally start saving again (it will be tiny amounts of £25-50/month I reckon) I'm just going to transfer it straight into our joint savings account - something my wife has thankfully always had sole access to