A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

So yesterday I wrote the above in the new users Forum had a few comments and I found it has helped me so I thought I would keep a bit of a diary. Yesterday I was 5 gambling free after opening up and giving my wife that letter I have been pretty low last night I had my kids we went to the circus and ate ice cream by the beach it's the happiest I have felt in a while it was really great. Today I woke up and decided to message my wife saying I really miss her and I love her she is still very angry I really can't blame her. I've been a bit low so called a mate going to see him tonight. Something I did today was arrange to see a councillor with experience with gambling really looking forward to this for some reason. Tomorrow day I'm going to bite the bullet I have two passport photos got my licence and I'm going to self exclude myself. I need to scan photos or I'd do today. Day 6 today no gambling and the urge is not there. I want the safe guards there. Just in case though

Good stuff self excluding Andrew I started by going into my usual haunts to self excluded I would suggest taking your mate with you for a bit of support. After the first initial embarrassment in the first shop I found it to be empowering and if felt really good doing it.

You can also exclude over the phone from the bookies which I have also done. I found this really useful to cover a wider area I think I have SE from 47 bookies in total now and if I know I'm going to a area I have not SE from I just call up and add some more on.

I do a thread on SE which you might find useful here's the link

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/self-excluding-bookies-over-phone

KTF

Does your mate even know about your gambling problems? If not then I would suggest discussing it. I found that my mates acted as another barrier because if they saw me going in the bookies then they'd pull me out of there.

Hi guys thanks for this my two good friends know exactly what is going on. one of his friends is a manager of one of them and is going to do everything for me. Nervous of going into a bookies going to leave card at home go to counter with details. My mate is coming he is into the football accumulators not my bag being an it man I think the games in the bookies appeal to me. Strange I'm not into online betting never tickled my fancy.

Tonight went over a mates for a few bottles was nice got to me a bit his kids were there. Miss mine dreadfully. My friends have both said my wife needs to calm down and if she really loves me will stand by me. I'm very anxious about her I'm looking on fb I'm worried she will run off now meet someone. Very dark thoughts really miss her. Weird thing is I don't want to gamble this hurt I have done has turned a switch off. I know i need to beat this demon.. So day 7 tomorrow I have my daughter overnight doing self exclusion then going to grab her I can't wait.

Make something happen Andrew... don't sit and wait. Go and speak to her.

I know it's very easy for me to say as I'm not in the situation but it's the best advice I could give.

Hi Andrew

Positive moves opening up and getting therapy. But be careful of buying into what your mates say:

'My friends have both said my wife needs to calm down and if she really loves me will stand by me'

Really? They could just as easily say 'Andrew, if you really loved your wife you wouldn't have lied about your money for the whole of the relationship and remortgaged the house behind her back'.

Both statements sound too simplistic. Love doesn't equal trust...or kindness, connection, intimacy. I suspect it will take a lot of committed change on your part to get your wife back. It might help to read the Friends and Family section of this website to get a perspective of what she might be going through. Apparently the secretiveness of gambling is often likened to an affair. As proud men we might think that daft - but it's not about what we think or feel.

Best wishes

Louis

Hello

Well just come off the phone with gamcare had a chat tried to self exclude but the line was shut...... Hmmm. My friend is a bit busy today so I don't feel there to walk in a bookies on my own. So like I said rang gamcare for a chat first time was really good bit raw had a chat about things somthing the lady said to mention to people is going to gym walking out and an urge to gamble came over me.... It was a habit I got into the last few months on a Saturday It's the endorphines I think. I'm happy I drove home and feel proud day 7 is here and I'm there. Thanks for that Louis strangely gamcare line said something similar. They are my friends trying to be positive for me that is all I know what I have done and am not trying to make light of it. I have been texting her saying I love her and miss her and sorry once a day. I told her I'm not sleeping and she has said she isn't either and the stress has made her hair out a bit. Feel pretty low about that. My poor wife I just want to do everything in my power to earn her trust and respect back it may take a long time she may decide that she doesn't want me but I have to try be positive and do my best for her and ultimately my kids I'm going to go pick my daughter up in a bit. Gonna hit the park watch a film and have a good day and night.

Hi AT, welcome to recovery 🙂

Things sound pretty sad @ your end right now so it's great to see you fighting to be there for them! Just a thought...Does your wife know that she is entitled to help through GamCare? It may not suit her to come here & ask her questions but picking up the phone may be a source of comfort for her because she is clearly very hurt & confused right now!

I see that Oldhamktf has given you the link for the exclusions so maybe worth speaking to them first? You could always cement the exclusion once your friend is good to go with. Oldhamktf speaks from experience (I think it's safe to say, we are all routing for his missus to see the Martin that we do & gives him another shot) & is doing everything he can to ensure he stays safely in recovery so that he can be there for his little man. Have a lovely day with your daughter & keep making the right choices like you did today - ODAAT

ODAAT wrote:

Hi AT, welcome to recovery 🙂

Things sound pretty sad @ your end right now so it's great to see you fighting to be there for them! Just a thought...Does your wife know that she is entitled to help through GamCare? It may not suit her to come here & ask her questions but picking up the phone may be a source of comfort for her because she is clearly very hurt & confused right now!

I see that Oldhamktf has given you the link for the exclusions so maybe worth speaking to them first? You could always cement the exclusion once your friend is good to go with. Oldhamktf speaks from experience (I think it's safe to say, we are all routing for his missus to see the Martin that we do & gives him another shot) & is doing everything he can to ensure he stays safely in recovery so that he can be there for his little man. Have a lovely day with your daughter & keep making the right choices like you did today - ODAAT

I often think its harder on out families and partners. We can ofload to them all the guilt, pain and hurt and then start getting better. They have the worry of will it work, how long until they place their next bet and what damage will that bring amonst other questions.

Mention the Gamcare help. They offer counselling as well.

Haven't seen if anyone has mentioned other outside help. There's plenty of other support groups like Gamblers Anonymous. Might be worth considering?

Hi guys well I went to get my daughter and my wife looks like she hasn't slept in days. I tried to hold her hand pulled away said to leave her alone she can't even look at me. Well had a few hours with daughter she is watching a film now and I thought I'd have a quick look on here so I read some of the stories from families. It made me feel sick. What Have I done. Im very nervous about the future can't imagine my life without my wife. It's my fault and I stick my hand up I swear I am going to pay back every penny I borrowed and will never ever touch a bandit or gaming machine again. I feel so determined even though I feel low. So I am paying for counciling this Tuesday Its 1 in 1 and she has a background in Cg Addiction. Well Ga guys is a bit of a ba**ache my nearest meeting is 30 miles away. I'm tempted to pop in this week but I can never fully subscribe every week just logistically isn't possible.

ashamed at myself. Nothing I can do or say will make it better.

Hi Andrew , Just wanted to say Hi and offer a bit of support .

My problem like you was the Fobt machines in the bookies and over the last few years I've lost thousands on them so I can fully empathise with you on that particular addiction , I've not had abet now for nearly 9 months and can only assure you things do get much better with a bit of time .

As far as your relationship is concerned , times the healer my friend and you can't expect to fix something overnight that's taken a few years to break ? , give it some time buddy and be totally honest with her and any questions she may have , show her everything thing that your doing in order to give up gambling , the counciling , self exclusions ect .

With regards to the self exclutions , well , just do it , I felt nervous going in on my own but once I'd got the first one out of the way it all became very empowering and I came out of the last bookies on cloud nine !.

Stay with it fella , as I'm sure things will improve !

All the best for now , Alan

Thank you Alan the fobt were my downfall! Updated my diary quite a bit today I feel really low to be honest was really anxious about 4ish and found my wife had restricted me on fb. It sounds petty but was a straw that broke donkeys back. I went mad. Arguing over text how I thought she had my back she is so upset blaming me for what I have done lieing which I am a lier. v heated think Jeremy Kyle via text. It has broken me I cried for 20 mins in front of my little girl she put her arms around me telling me she look after me.... She's 4. I never cry but the emotions of admiting what I have done the guilt of lieing for 3 years is tormenting me. I used to be good at compartmentalising but I've fallen to bits. Feel a bit calmer now. Rang a friend. So day 7 defiantly my worse day without gambling and day 3 of being out in the open been tough.

She's going to be angry and P****d off mate she's hurting what we have done has blown her world apart. Not pint getting angry with her it's not going to make it any better. I had months of verbal abuse and rightly so.

Keep your chin up and show you are willing to take big steps to change it.

KTF