A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Day 30

Thank you for all your support. I spoke to rachel yesterday a guy slept over on the coach and that was it aparently they are friends and nothing more. She said it looks bad and he should never have stayed he was up stairs in morning getting changed elinor seemed confused when saying it tbh and she has said some stange things recently. Obv me not being there id having an impact Not sure what to think. My world has been ripped up the last few weeks she has said she hasbt even kissed him he looks a right g**P and not her type so kind of belive her. She said ahe has been ill physically and mentally and men are not on her mind..... Im not sure what to say i know she went to a solicitor for a divorce..... Yesterday was tough didnt sleep much not eating again took daughter over a mates for a paddle in a pool and i took her home hysterical crying as i was leaving my god it was so so hard i was crying 30 mins there she was in pain..... My wife said you did this as i was leaving.... Ouch but it's true i did do it. Life has been too tough to live in the last 5 weeks not sure how im doing it.... But every day i get up and rock on. I dont sleep much i get a few hours j**k awake dreams of my family wake me. I have counciling tonight. Feels like a good time for some 1 on 1 i have told my wife i am moving home on wednesday. In the spare room its my life and need to get my house back as it was mine b4 we met. She said she cant stay there we will see. My diary so far has been a lot about my personal life and whatvis going on the gambling isnt really there. I dont have any urges to gamble this pain i have caused i associate with gambling and it has scared me. Ga have told me when its ur time to quit its your time. This is my rock bottom the tears and pain of my daughter and wife have ripped me apart. I will never gamble again i will associate the bookies and slots with the tears of my loved ones. To day 30...... The night is always darkest before the morning

Hi, Andrew,

Sorry to hear it's all so hard but it's good that you're doing what you need to for recovery. re moving back, how that will impact on your daughter and your stepson? Will it promote their happiness and welfare and make their home a stable and comfortable place to be? A safe place? A peaceful place?

What would become of them if their mother feels forced to move out? Would they have to go with her, to somewhere unfamiliar? Would they stay with you? How would you look after them? Would they want to be with her?

Am suggesting questions that you might ask yourself. Not attempting to suggest the answers.

I would suggest that you focus on you and your recovery. It doesn't depend relationships, recovery is what you do for you.

CW

HI cw

Thanks and i understand your point i have not once said they need to move out. I have a spare room i will stay in and am more than happy for my kids to stay. we have to be realistic i pay every bill and and always have. it was my house before we met. we have been married for 2 years. I can not afford to stay anyone else i have no option but to go home. she doesnt work she is in college and going to uni hopfully. i have Always provided everything for them Bills food holidays they have always had everything. Just wanted to add that! Where i have failed is emotional support and really we could be driving audis rather than fords.... I have failed i know that. Look i know what i have done is wrong and i have beat myself up so much. but i need to go home.

Well its 12pm lunch time i have been in work for 4 hours im stressed. I walk out of the office sorry boys gonna pop put for ten minitues.I phone the wife. hi love how are you ackward conversation, dont really have anything to say but really i have everything to say she seems mad short with me has the post man been?. Does she know somthing. I wonder if the post man has been and she has found out about the mortgage or credit card?? Nah she can't have can she? no way she would go mental she just seemed normal. So i walk down the street hmm yeaa i got money it will be fine. to the cash machine £200 pound please boom into the wallet. i can loose £60 it will be fine. walk around the corner have 3 bookies which one. i like the games on that one right is anyone around can any one see me? Lets go in. i cant stand that machine i always lose on that one lets to to that one the one by the window is a no no just in case the boys come past and see me. what if my in laws are in town today? it will be fine. right lets start low £2 a game £20 quid down hmmm lets do another £20 boom feature im up £30 lets try a diffrent game lets up it £30 quid spins yess £200 up lets go on a diffrent game. hmmm iv blown my winnings its ok i still have £160 pound.... 5 spins later and im down to a £20 spin s*hit sh*it its ok i can put another £200 in over the till. come on mr bookie man stop taking his 50p slip im the high roller i only have 10 mins on lunch im aggitated im scratching my face. im sweating. right £200 on the machine im shaking im playing and playing and playing im shouting at the machine??? what he can hear me now? there is another £200 down its ok i can afford another 100 come on mate i dont care if the race is about to run put that money in the machine. im itching im angry im mad and i have just lost £500 pounds. Im walking out the shop there was 50p in the machine im too ashamed to walk to the counter to get it i take my slip and chuck it in the bin im 10 mins late off my lunch its ok im owed time but im covered in sweat im hungry and im red faced and flusterd i pop to the shop by a cheap sandwich and back to work. i walk in put a big plastic smile on sorry got stuck at the bank. i log straght into my account £500 down hmmm its ok if i dont pay all the council tax and if its ok i still have all my money and can put £300 by i will be fine!!!! Untill the end of the day when i need to catch the train home and have to walk......... past that bookies again its called me in. wheres my debit card.

That used to be my standard lunch hour in work some days i would be up some days i would be down ultimatly i would be down £600 to £800 pounds a month. Im a compulsive gambler and i am proud to say i am 30 days bet free

MR ADT!!

I read that then and thought that was from today!! i am so relieved to have read that last paragraph and reliase that was what your previous lunchtimes consisted of!

A massive congratulations on 30 days, that is such a good achievment. dont get complacent though mate and keep counting up them days. really proud mate. well done 🙂
Ben

Sorry mate swordfish fault! inspired me to write a short story felt good to write it actually!

hahaa yeah really did worry me at first!! yeah its good to see what you originally did on your lunch, to what you do now! and imagine the money youve saved!

When I first read that I also thought oh no for a miniute til I got to the end, all sounds so familiar tho don't know how many times I've walk into a gaming place and reached my withdraw limit on my card and then been frantically transferring money here and there on my phone to different accounts to use other cards to get money out, when you read it to yourself you think why would you put your self though that and be so stupid, I use to just lose all value for money when I gambled £100 was like £10 would think nothing gambling £100 it's crazy looking back now!

Feels good getting it off your chest, remembering what we used to do, how we used to live. Ok I know it's only been a month nearly but our mindsets are In the right place. We are in this for the long haul. We will beat this f@cker.

Gaz

Isnt it crazy guys we would spend a ton gambling but feel bad spending a tenner on deodorant and stuff its a mental illness boys should have said its. Short story gonna show my therapist tonight

Another day and another bet free

Had therapy last night poor women i bombarded her chewed her ear off with my worrys. Missing the kids this morning rubbish waking up alone bit of a tossing and turning night. Trying to be possitive get them paranoid thoughts out of my head i wrote a piece on lunch time gambing yesterday felt good gonna write some more today. Everyone is saying its gonna be alright it takes time light at end of tunnel. Its all well and good looking at the future when u want somthing in the past that is no longer in your reach. Weighed this morning im 32 pounds down since march i am no longer obese on the bmi scale! I have a good job and am paid pretty well i have beuitiful kids and i have hair. Im andy im welsh im 32 and im proud to say i am not gambling and intend to never gamble again. You can wait for the storm to pass or you can learn to dance in the rain

Another day and another bet free

Had therapy last night poor women i bombarded her chewed her ear off with my worrys. Missing the kids this morning rubbish waking up alone bit of a tossing and turning night. Trying to be possitive get them paranoid thoughts out of my head i wrote a piece on lunch time gambing yesterday felt good gonna write some more today. Everyone is saying its gonna be alright it takes time light at end of tunnel. Its all well and good looking at the future when u want somthing in the past that is no longer in your reach. Weighed this morning im 32 pounds down since march i am no longer obese on the bmi scale! I have a good job and am paid pretty well i have beuitiful kids and i have hair. Im andy im welsh im 32 and im proud to say i am not gambling and intend to never gamble again. You can wait for the storm to pass or you can learn to dance in the rain

Good to too see your starting to look at things more positive again I can image how hard it must be for you at the min but if its meant to be with your wife it will be, you should be more than proud about being gamble free look what you have gone though over this past month you've been pushed to the absolute edge and you've still carried on strong, and if that was me with the weight loss I would take that as a bonus me I'd be over the moon haha, I need to lose about 100 pounds hahaa I'm about 6 3' myself so think when your Taller you can pull it off bit better I think, but that's next on my hit list anyway I've been starting the gym for past 5 years the day never comes lol.

Hope Ye Have a good day anyway mate, I've got a phone thing today at 1 for my counselling so should get an actual appointment today looking forward to it 🙂

It been a weird day to be honest.... I woke up feeling rubbish really really bad got to work felt worse really anxious struggling to shake it off i think its because mrs adt said i couldnt see kids on monday really annoyed me so i messaged her about me not moving into house and no repsonse waited till lunch and had enough so i rang her. calmly said i dont want to argue i know your stressed about college would you like me to wait till you finish to come home? yes please ok i want you to eat somthing you need it to study i want you to buy food for the kids. i want to see my kids when can i have them. when do you want them? I want them wednesday and what you doing this weekend? college work. great i will pick them up friday and see drop them off sunday, Boom see my kids wed thurs morning fri sat and sunday im a happy man. really made me feel a lot better this sarvo. im unhappy yeaa bout mrs adt but trying to think positive and it is really helping CBT thank you very much!!! Gotta be honest i am very luck i have made a very good friend off this website swordfish we have exchanged details and you have been there for me no end!!! I owe you a curry haha

Mate that is no problem the same for you but yes you do owe me a curry haha