A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Hi bud I do get want you say about a similar tale of woe and j found it difficult to tead your diary at times and even for difficult to give you advice. I wanted to comment more but I did not want to bring you down with how my tale has ended up.

There definitely is a future for you with or without Rachel. All I tried to do was do the beat for me and my son and if she could liked what you saw I was ready and willing. I can't force her to forgive me that would be pointless it's not worked out but you keep doing what you're doing your kids need there dad and a gambling dad not worthy of the title.

KTF

Was a bad night sleep last night. Really struggling to let go of things before bed thinking of the family. It wakes me up in the night after i have fallen asleep having issues switching off and i just have no control over it. I used to go to my happy place.... . thinking of my family on holiday or me winning the lottery but obvs the lottery is a no no and the family is not a good one any more.... I sent mrs ADT an email last night as i needed to tell her where i am to explain why i have been so angry about the guy in the house and also i am upset about the way when my daughter cried for 30 mins when i was leaving that this is all my fault.... No actually mrs ADT marrage is two sided and you have given up. I have come to the point where i am hurt and i am upset but i can not just roll over any more i feel i am getting to a bad point in my mentality and need to shut down. She can not call all the shots. She has had adequate time and i have been nice and said that i will stay out of the house till the 18th so she can finish college work. She has told me that she has gone to a solictor and wants to have mediation and wants it over...... 5 weeks ago i was living at home very scary. In this letter i have said that i am very upset by this but if she does not love me or want to want us anymore i will have to learn to accept it! I am waiting for a letter from her solictor and i have found someone now who i plan to use. It is a very stressful time at the moment.. Struggling very much to hold it together. Im dealing with an addiction loss of a wife and sepetation from my family coupled now with a legal battle and money...... I Just wanted her to love me. I have got to face facts sadly but am strugling to accept them at the moment. Fed up of hearing it is going to be alright and time is a healer and there is light at the end of the tunnel when i have been bombarded for 5 weeks with rocks from all directons. I am still standing but the lack of sleep and waking up is killing me! Feel like a moan this morning. Iv basically told rachel in this emal that enough is enough i wont be pushed over any more i still love you but if you go down the road of a solictior there really is no going back from that. I am still the guy you met all them years ago. I have made a mistake which i intend to put right.

I had the house about 5 years before the marrage and was our family home for 3 i have paid off her debts and my parents have given me a loan for the house which i have to pay back and signed a document with them. I feel like it is a right mess and it feels so final so soon. it is on my mind and its my diary and just felt the need to blurt it out on here it feels like a release. I cant be positive all the time! Its a long road ahead and im trying my best!

Just keep writing it out & pushing through the pain Andrew! It's gonna hurt, it's raw & just when you needed support you didn't get it from the one person you thought you would but you have to try & move away from the financial side of business because you can't buy love 🙁

There is no doubting that you have provided financially for them & it's commendable that you are being the bigger man & giving her the time to do her college work but I'm wondering what your counsellor has said about contacting her? I happen to think she is being rather selfish but I'm biased, I only know you here (honest & open) & yet I still want to say, try not to bombard her with your pain. Keep making time for your children, enjoying their company & working your recovery! You are a strong man, you have shown that here & no, of course it's not going to be easy but you will get through it - ODAAT

Andrew , I really feel your pain buddy !. I went through a situation with my ex wife about 8yrs ago , It was almost the reverse of your situation , in that at the time my wife was suffering from alcohol addiction and decided that after 28 yrs of marriage she would rather seek a divorce than seek help , we divorced and I was left to bring our then 13 yr old son alone and with no support financially or emotionally . Mate it was hell ! she changed so much as a person and threw every insult she could at me , she made it as difficult as she possibly could , she wasn't interested in mediation and completely turned her back on our son and daughter .

What I'm trying to say by this , is that at the moment like I was back then the ar.se has just dropped out of your world and your left wondering how things went so bad so quickly , your faced with a million different feelings and emotions , anger , hate , bewilderment , love and sadness over what's happened , Andy , there is no easy way or hard and fast rule for dealing with all of this but trust me and I know youv'e heard this a million times , It will get better and time will heal it and I don't say that lightly as it comes from experience , that light at the end of the tunnel at the moment seems quite distant but one day it will shine bright again .

During my experience , I tried to focus on the important person in this and that's the kid's , you still need to be there as a father for support when they need it , I wasn't afforded that luxury but you don't need to be out of your kids live's and can still have just as much input as youv'e alway's done .

I can't comment on your relationship really , as it's personal to you but at the moment and to keep your sanity you have to just deal with each day as it comes and don't try and look too far ahead , yesterday can't hurt you and tommorrows another day my friend .

I wish you the best Andy .

Hello Alan it sounds like you have been through an awful lot and see light and ODAAT thank you for your comments they are very kind and Swordfish has been messaging me today as well thank you!!!. I think my biggest issue at the moment is am struggling to switch off from all the drama that i am living in a horror TV show! I am usually so laid back and chilled such a smiley person but just feel lost at the moment anger and pain dont think i have accepted in the slightest, I need to sleep as struggling to and when im drifting off then im jolting awake with anxious thoughts. Horrific!! I want to say with regards to my kids that i am lucky that she has let me see them pretty much whenever i want! I have them tonight for a sleep over and i cant wait. I will be picking my girl up friday (boy is up dads) and not dropping back till Sunday cant wait for that! Means i see them every day till Sunday. I am going to take some strong sleeping tablets tonight and maybe tomorrow and hope that helps things with the sleeping.

I know what you are all saying that time is a healer. its very hard as i feel i am sitting down and watching my life as it is whizzing around 1 million miles an hour and everything is out of my control but time is dragging . I can only manage what i control but it is a very hard situation to watch. There is to be no more messages from me to her! only with relation to the kids or if i get these papers! I need to try and switch off! I will be honest guys walked past a certain red signed bookies and my heart started to race. it is an urge and i walked straight passed know it is the stress and tierdness. I know that if i am at my lowest and am able to say NO i am winning a battle somewhere! Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass it is about learning to dance in the rain!! I will get there one day!

Sometimes we just want it all to be over with so we can get on with life especially at a time like your having now , unfortunately there's no magic fix for these situations and we just have to let each day unfold , your strong my friend !! and as much as you may not feel that way it's clear that although life's chucking some rubbish at you your'e coping better than you may think , sometimes in life we cant change things and instead have to learn to live alongside them .

Running back to that big red sign is the way we alway's delt with our rubbish times , it's our defense mechanism and something that has in the past always comforted us , your better than that now and your continuing to say no to that part of life and choosing instead deal with it head on and one day at a time , well done you Andy !!.

Oh can it get any better today.... So my wife didnt give me my post was a court order for council tax put aeo on my pay. Work for fca company aint gonna be good im not in. Regulated job so i need to come clean one of boys is bankrupt and aint sacked so cant be all bad.... Then my wife has put a charge on my house so cant sell or lend from her solicitor...... I have gone ape sh&t so annoyed i have gone from feeling sorry for myself to pure anger went mental on wife ruined my night with kids. Ffs only my job i can loose now........

Day 30 somthing

Last night was another rock bottom what we can call a double dip took two sleeping tablets slept for 7 hours woke up with my daughter curled next to me. Through all the pain i have a little bundle of light and joy who loves me and gonna return that to her forever. So i emailed my work as work in finance can get in trouble for poor credit. Two defaults and a ccj after yeaterday. Have a friend in hr and also friends with a union member. Got a meeting to discuss today v nervous! Im trying and trying and getting knocked back and knocked back. But guess what!!! Im here im breathing in the summer air and im gonna keep getting back up im getting battered by this storm but im learning to dance more and more every day my name is Andy and im a compulsive gambler its time to become the man i want to be and not hope to be!

So bit of a follow up looks like as i have come clean about things at work i will be ok! Not in a regulated role and asI have put payment plans in place and have sorted things with my CCJ and will be sorted by end of next month! i have been though murder the last 5 days as well as the 5 weeks before. Today i have woken up and i should have been holding my head in my hands but iv just gone lets have you! Iv dealt with work will need a further conversation but i will be ok! Iv spoken to the council about things explained havnt had letters because of wife not giving them i want to deal with the debt and i have done this! I will be all in the clear in two months and paying my current council tax accordingly. i have spoken to my companies i have defaults with. explained the situation more than happy to accomidate thanks for speaking to us and letting us know in advance! why have i been burying my head in the sand! After all that has gone on with my wife i have come to a conclusion. That is acceptance! She is out to hurt me and doesnt want me any more i have been going back punch drunk and its time to walk away! If somthing impacts my children i will defend them I have told her im back in next week she said she will move out! Thats fine i just want my daughter half the time and access to my step boy when i can! Its time to step back and move on i cant take the hits any more she has gone for a divorce that is her choice i have stod by her though years and years of depression and migraines and everything else! i have supported her financially whilst she has done nothing its time to go make myself right look after my girl and be happy! Im tierd due to a few days lack of sleep i feel bright as i have a great future ahead of me and i have a wonderful daughter who will always be mine what ever life throughs at me! If this is rock bottom there is only one way to go and thats up! Sorry for the moans guys time to be positive!! It isnt about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about dancing in the rain.

So woke up after another good night sleep and feel positive today. Loving getting up feeling happy and having a coffee had a chat with my parent how was ga you look good today etc really good feeling!. got on train smiling and its a genuinie smile not a put on one and looking forward to the future. I work in IT so i have a friend who runs it support for festivels so i have signed up to do a big one at the end of the summer! basically work 2 8 hour shifts get vip camping and toilet blocks and get access to watch the bands. Really excited and somthing to look forward to. Soooo bit of an odd one last night was chatting to Rylex and Swordfish about the lottery we talk offline about the lottery we all have our poisons with gambling some are machines some horses, football etc etc. The lottery came up in my GA meeting last night. Someone i work with has won a good chunk of money on the lottery! I dont know how i feel about this i never had issues with the lottery very controlled but I want to abstaine from all gambling flipping coins raffle tickets the lot. GA Matra is abstaine and i am following it because i look forward to telling people i have had a gamble free week it makes me feel good about myself and in the early stages i am in of recovery it is important i feel this.So back this amount i genuinely felt happy for him. hes a young lad and he can put a deposit on a house buy some Tshirts that fit him (he is a body builder so wears baby gap instead of XL) Good for him! Gambling is everywhere at the moment for the Euros I watched the scottish advert for a certain green irish bookmakers take on Vindaloo actually enjoyed it and didnt feel bitter at what it was for! I just want to make a statment that it is a hard time and there is temptation in front of you at the moment for gambling with the Euros. Be strong and any urges Post and talk to people!! Have a great day everyone.

So tomorrow is 5 weeks that stopped gambling and the last 7 days has been the most challanging of the 5. Kinda accepted me and the wife are over and u know maybe we have been for some time.... The Truth hurts and its quite a bitter end been looking at early photos of my relationship and we were so happy and in love. They say u have to learn a lesson about situations when going forward so what have I learned from the breakdown of my marrage and my gambling issues. Be honest and dont lie and keep secrets I dont ever want to lie again i love this feeling i have at the moment of peace from no secrets no lies total transparency. I may be a recovering addict i may have problems but if I was gambling it be 10 times worse. Dont bury your head in the sand. God why did i do this with money and my problem. If u have a problem talk it out people are there for u friends family therapist ga siblings. I should have told my wife. If i did we wouldnt be at the end. Intimacy is the shareing and intertwining of two souls physically and mentally i failed with both from my side. The end is a sad place as u hold on to the good and not the bad... Im lieing in bed next to a sleeping blonde green eyed girl she is miss adt she is my world. Im Andy im a compulsive gambler iv laid solid foundations in the last 5 weeks for the future and im ready to take it day by day step by step to find happiness and to give my daughter a happy and wonderful upbringing

Your doing great mate and to stay gamble free throughout all these issues is fantastic.

Gaz

Day 35

So got up decided i need the truth went to my house walked in and found her there with her new f**k buddy. He looked like dafydd from little Britain sounds like him too.... Jesus hes a d@ck i said my bit and left my own house im furious she had a man in my house in my bed. I wanted to hit him daughter poped in head I went to the gym went mad rang swordfish had a chat with parents and realised its time to man the f**k up and take her down she has been a poor example of a parent to my child in this situation and will look bad in courts told her i want joint custody and will fight and fight for that and my house i will not stop!!! Gambling had an impact on my marrage no doubt but to do this is inexcusable so got went home and been with daughter feel pretty calm knew it was over b4 today now i have a case to defend myself. Need to get better keep my girl safe and happy. No urges to gamble none which im suprised at! Anger loneliness and stress are stressors for me and well.... Nothing

Hi Andy , look now you know for sure mate ,it's time to draw a line and move forward and focus on yourself and your daughter , I can't see any reason for not having joint custody but you may have to face up to the fact that the house may not be as simple as that despite as I believed you said you had it before you married ? your wife will also need somewhere to stay on the days she has her daughter and you may be forced to split the equity and each find somewhere else to live ? , I'm no expert mate but I had to remortgage quite heavily when I split even though my wife had nothing more to do with our son and he lived with me permenently, she was entitled to half of the equity ?.

Just try not to get too bitter and angry though buddy , I know it's easy for me to say that now but it does no good for you and your recovery , nor your Daughter whos life will change so much, just try and be dignified whenever possible ,

I feel for you buddy and wish you well !

Alan

Its a bit complicated alan i released 10k equity for her before for negative equity when we sold her house to get married so can discount that it went through a solicitor. the rest of the equity in my house i had from parents which i signed a loan for... Only been together a few years i will have to raise some cash can offer her a little money and hopfully take. Its all wrong mate!! But need to draw a line move forward she cant force me to sell as want to live in house with daughter like i said complicated......