A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Day 39

Left work last night to a hair cut and went to sisters for food. Was good and we sat down talked for a while she has been the person closest too me I have told everything nice to talk about my gambling fears. How complacency Could set in etc i feel determined and strong willed but need to be on guard. So i poped to shop on way home there was a beautiful women in there really caught my eye and was smiling at each other. Was a really nice moment for me not sure why made me happy haha still not sleeping guess worried about daughter house and upcoming divorce meadation booked for july seeing my solicitor tomorrow. On a plus note im 37 pounds down in weight 2 pounds off my gambling days haha

Hi ADT785

Been following your story as we both joined the forum within the past few months.

You've done amazingly well to go 39 days gamble free - that is a fantastic achievement - especially with all the s**t you are dealing with. I myself have been going through a difficult time in personal life - totally different to you and I'm not comparing in anyway. I've gone 58 days gamble free. Like you I am pretty down at the moment and consumed by extra things to keep on top of and my old routine is not in force at the moment. The break in routine is probably what has enabled me to stop and think, not just keep spiralling.

In times like these I guess many people would go off the rails and I do wonder why I haven't - you also? I seem to have found an inner strength and a desire to stop which I haven't been able to find before. Also this forum is amazing. I am determined to keep active on it as I have noticed alot of people slip away after a few months only to return months later in a worse position.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello. Well done and keep your chin up mate!

P.s gambling during a time like this wouldn't make it any better would it?

Hello Tommy thank you for your kind words i despise the word journey used so loosely but we are certainly on one and all in it together!!! Well its here day 40 i cant belive i havnt gambled for 40 days its gone so fast yet so slow haha! I have a confession to make. I kinda got talking to a women and didnt stop for about 8 hours. It felt so nice to be me again pre gambling! I was smiling laughing the butteflys you get in ur stomach i actually woke up this morning so happy. I quite fancy her and shes so lovey to talk to felt great but ummmm i got a lot going on and its just talking but i realised i really am going to be alright and have a great happy life ahead. So saw my daughter for a bit she cried as her mum wouldnt let me see her this weekend so i have her sunday and monday and also got my step boy she is moving out sat has told the kids so defo happening. Iv got my solicitor this morning. Then off to work there is a little football match werw gareth bale and the boys are gonna take it to you english!!!! Haha swordfish is ok hes a palace fan half the team are welsh! Im off to ga later for what looking back started v v badly seen a man in bed with my wife and 5 days letter realise that it was the closure i needed my therapist told me to write a list of pros and cons..... I had 2 pros to 12 cons we have been in seperate beds for 12 montha been on the brink for 6 and iv been seperated for 2 months. Startling that if i didnt tell her about gambling id still be in an unhappy marrage!! Well gonna go for a swim!! Have a great bet free day everyone

This is like one of those ironic posts and thoughts I sometimes have... are there any positives i can take from being a compulsive gambler? And I think there are. I'm definitely more self aware of my own actions - I can sense when I am moody and that's impacting interactions with others, I've understood more about my mentality, I've thought about myself more etc etc. My old ticker is probably up to scratch as an average man would have collapsed already. I don't fear as much these days as I've been through a lot with this addiction. I've started to learn the value of money. I've learnt the value of relationships. I understand the power of a community of like-minded people and how that can become a very powerful vehicle. There are lots and lots of things I've learned. And from the sounds of it I think you've learned a lot too...

Hello change i really liked that response! Last night in GA was a small group and we had a good chat about things and somthing that come up was I really am happy im a compulisve gambler at first i was like are you for real??? But he is an old head clean for 20 odd years and explained... that the expeiences we have from the hurt pain mood and attitude you are self aware and you have learned the skills to apply this thought process to your day to day life! I know that if i think negative it will be negative i have have positive thoughts that will be the same! I know that if i gamble my day current issues will be worse as i have a clear head i am able to apply my positive thinking into combating this.Being a compulisive gambler you find you are compulsive about other things! you have a tendancy to throw yourself into work. You are passionate and have a compulsion to be loyal and love the people who stick by you. i really liked this theory and thats me in a nut shell i love my job and i am loyal to them and work very hard for them and it pays off for me! My ex wife we were not getting on and i was blinded but still stuck by her i am a great dad and there insnt anything i wouldnt do to make them happy. Sooo dare i say it im glad i have the compulive bit, i wont be a gambler anymore though!

So my day yesterday. The solicitor went well really positive and i will be filing for divorce myself as looks like ex mrs adt to be has not done this! Lets get the ball rolling and sort my life out! Had a hard day at work yesterday afternoon. v busy but caught the football. well done england! not the result i wanted lets hope we both get through! poped out after work for a coke with my mates they were out for match had a few hours before ga. really enjoyed last night session someone im friends with started same week fell off wagon v sad but he came back and that the important bit. I spoke to that girl again last night... Is really nice to have a friend who is very pretty and flirty haha It nice to feel wanted. I have told her pretty much everything...... except im a recovering gambler..... Not sure about how to aproach that one. I have woke up very happy today and nice to get to work and going to have a beer or two after. I hope you all have a great day!

DAY 42

A late post for me today yesterday was a good day was in a great mood all day felt like i was on a high! Afterwork i put my shirt and jeans on did my hair and went out in cardiff!! I felt amazing i drank rum i talked to a stunning women who i am friendly with danced sang and even got her number messaged me today. it is just friends but its really nice for my confidence! So i had a half hour wait for the train went to a pub i used to smash my money in the bandits.. actually ended up on facebook with a conversation with swordfish and Rylex. Rylex was drunk in Liverpool me in cardiff Swordfish was in bed somewhere east of London. was really happy as i was talking drunk gamblefree with some great friends i have made from this place! So iv made friends with a women from Cardiff we have been chating a lot over the last four days have so much in common with kids and everything i will be honest i fancy her she fancys me we both have daughters the same age and are ambitious people but taking it very slow. Last night had a few and told her about my gambling was so nervous but she was so amazing about it. was so suportive. I have realised that if my wife ever loved me she would have stuck by what i had done! never mind SO i got up this morning had a swim got all my clothes together and moved back home..... my house...... the pad.... I am offically in. ex mrs adt had got her clothes and the kids packed a case and gone to a friends so i changed the locks on the doors! my solictor told me to as she said she was leaving for good. I told her i had done it not very happy but wasnt angry just said its illegal i said no it isnt my house my mortage when you left you lost your access rights to this house and that is legal have it in writing. my kids are welcome whenever. told her she needs to ring me if she needs to get more clothes and arrange a time!!! im taking control of this one now! house was a s*t hole cat poo under beds and all sorts so spent 4 hours went though house top to bottom moved into the spare room sorted all that out not sleaeping in the marital bed! f**ck that after what she done in it!! so im in, feels really nice! gonna celebrate with a steak supper and a cheeky beer (thanks ex mrs adt new boyfriend for leaving a case of bud) I will be drinking to the start of my new life in my old house whch i owend pre marrage! im really excited for the future and being a great dad, happy, honest and BET Free is top of my agenda! if you asked me 6 weeks ago today would i be here? feeling like this? i would have given you anything! cheers everyone have a great saturday evening!

Case of bud.... P iss ing myself laughing haha

Me too...Brilliant 🙂

Top post Andrew! I have my fingers crossed that the kids aren't too unsettled by everything & you get to spend lots of time with both of them, sounds like they're gonna need you if the house has gotten like that so quickly!

Cheers 🙂

Hi guys u cant make up my life its comedy gold!! Just got to laugh and roll with it. My stepson is ok with it seems chilled he has his dad for stability at moment my 4 year old is pining for me! She crys when leaving im supposed to be having them both tomorrow till tuesday so touch wood! Mrs adt is a bit mercurial but my trump card is her 23 year old short fugly man he wants to see her i get kids and now she is living at mates guessing i will get access a bit easier if not need to suck it up and gonna sort it in mediation i will see them! Looking forward to having them more!!! Gotta be positive

Just a thought...Does little one have a comforter of any sort? Build-a-Bears are great (if you have them way over there in sunny Wales) coz you can tuck little things like photos inside them with their hearts but anything lovely will do, for her to hold as she looks up @ the stars & knows you are doing the same so that your smiles/kisses reflect back @ each other even when you're apart!

& as for Fugly, sounds like a right result donating you beers & providing access to your kids - Cheers Fugs 😉

Thanks odaat sounds a great idea her birthday next week.

So bit of sad one today fathers day on my own. Ex mrs adt said that she will let me have her this afternoon and have a few night with me and the boy too. So got here and the daugh cried and cried wanted to stay with her mum had a cwtch said its ok.... Very very tough so went home with the ex......

Im very deflated was looking forward to fathers day cwtches need ex didnt really help the situation but cant expect an ally after locking her out!!! Hmmm not much to say..

You keep your chin up mate! Your doing fantastic not just on the gambling front but with everything else life is throwing at you. Your not just an inspiration to me but seen lots of of of newcomers come on in chat and take a lot of inspiration from your diary. Keep it up mate. As I said to you a minute ago kids will be kids. She doesn't mean anything by it she is very insecure and probably just wants her mum and dad together as "normal" mate your doing fine trust me

Gaz

Sad all round because it's the kids who lose their stability and really suffer in all of this. Their foundations have moved.

re your recent posts, it might be nice to be admired but you don't need anyone else's validation. Nor does she. Better to aim to be comfortable in your own skin. You can do a good job of recovery by yourself for yourself - it's reason enough.

Wish you well.

CW

Hello cw Yes there is instability its horrific but you have to crack some eggs to make an omelette and in the long run the kids happiness is paramount. Do i need validation last weekend i did as a man. Iv made a lovely friend who iv talked and talked with for the last week iv told her everything and she has a few things going on herself. do i want to bang her? d**n straight! recovery is talking and being happy and working ur issues im nailing all of the above. My father in law left a sh&&y answerphone message last night about how iv made my ex homless and how i have esculated things.... Huh?? Esculated rang ex mrs adt ohhh so u havnt told them about ur affair. Im the bigger man and its not my place i have not made my children homeless thank you!! They are welcome here anytime rachel moved out she doesnt want to live withme her words i legally can change locks she is not coming back my house she gave up on living here.. Ahhhh drama has only been a week wondered where u were

Day 45

So I set myself a target of 90 days. Not sure why but its my half way day. in 45 days time i will be getting my tattoo which is based on my gambling struggles and how i have given it up. So the last 45 days well..... Have been a bit mental haha. Im really proud to be writing this today and saying i am gamble free. Somthing that i have gained in the last 45 days is Condidence, Clarity and clear thinking. When i was gambling my judgment was clouded and i was paranoid and was just so unhappy. I find i laugh more now and its genuine. I look in the mirror and actually like who i see. I really cant wait for day 90 and day 900 and onwards. I honestly despise the thought of myself going into a bookies now i cant even bare to think about it. All i see when i think of gambling is my little girl crying. That is my fuel i will not hurt her! I will stick with my diary and will stick with GA and i will march on..

So whats been going on.... last night finished work and picked my bambinos up from school was to be very welsh LUSH!!! got them a cake from greggs each and had some food my step boy come down stairs and said he had made me a fathers day card just assumed it was one he forgot to give his dad. It had a photo of me on the front with my step dad my hero. in side was to Andy thank you for being my step dad i love you. He gave it to me and said your my hero... i am not really a cryer have had a few moment over the last 45 days generally i take things in my stride. Tears of pride and honor and i gave him the biggest hug he is 9 and have know him since he was 2. It has to be the nicest card i have EVER had! I rang his mum last night and told her i want to continue seeing him even though we are over she said i would and he would love that. Since i havnt reacted to my father in law left me a v shi**y voice mail message and rang her we had quite a frank conversation. I wont tell her parents she had an affair... i honestly couldnt give a flying f**k now iv emotionally detached from that mess! I just want my kids my house and divorce! she agrees and is happy i feel that way. so relations have gone from hostile to just frosty which is good! My daugher lost a tooth last night was so wicked really made me so happy!! MR ADT The Toothfairy was in action haha! me and the boy watched the football on the sofa he told me he wants a gareth bale haircut! BrIlliant then my daugher tells me she wants to be John cena when she grows up......... w*f i was in stiches. had a great night being daddy and this morning was lovely too! really enjoying my time with the kids. Work is going well really enjoying getting stuck into things am acting as boss again today feels good!! So i met a lovely lady last week been talking a lot on the phone and its really nice to have made a female friend we have similar issues with our love lives on the same page very similar and i have told her about my CG issues. its nice to be accepted really great talking feels great as the last 18 months me and the ex didnt do any of that!. Also she is stunning and s**y!!!! haha so im going for a drink with her thursday. quite excited and nervous. The last thing i wanted was someone maybe a bit of fun im only human.Its odd as my parents warned me that as i wasnt looking i will meet someone. did try fightning it for a few days holding back at first but i dont care anymore really nice to meet someone not sure what the future holds but its nice and im just going with the flow.