Can I suggest that you stop thinking about how bad you feel and give your OH the space that she has very clearly said she wants? Offloading your emotions onto her is making a bad situation worse. I can't see why you think that she'd immediately run off to someone else in response to the bad news, I would find it insulting to be thought that fickle. And as for letting your small daughter pick up the pieces! Who's the adult in that situation?
You're in a mess and nothing is going to fix overnight but in time and with the right actions and attitude, you can turn things round for you. You need to take responsibility for you and not throw yourself on anyone's mercy, not hers, not your daughter's. You've had advice about broken triangle, SE and GA, follow it. Actions speak louder than words, let her see what you're doing to overcome the problem (without shoving it in her face). That doesn't mean she'll take you back but it does mean that you'll be doing what you need to do to change things for you. It takes effort? Make the effort and you'll reap what you sow.
Hope that you do change your situation for the better and that you see the results of your efforts sooner rather than later.
CW
Hello thanks for this Alan and cynical wife. I had a very bad night seem to be reaching a certain point and then I'm climbing the walls I worked myself up into a state thinking about what I had done over the last few years I rang a friend and he poped over. Tossed and turned all night. going to give my wife the space she isn't ready to talk. Actions do speak louder than words. My wife suffered very bad depression post natal depression and also chronic migraines. I've been there through thick and thin for her supporting on one wage I am guessing the stress of it all had fueled my addiction not blaming her she was ill but as I was always working doing things around the house them lunch hours and random sessions on fobts was like a valve release What I am noticing is in the 8 days I have given up gambling I was using this to destress I have started to hit the gym a lot this last week and usually work lots of hours but need to find a new hobby.
I am going to walk around a load of lbookies in Cardiff tomorrow as well as use the number think I need a high and taking some control will help this. I'm a very positive person the sun is shining my daughter gave me the biggest cuddle and smile this morning got to make the most of what I have.
Hello ADT785
This is just a quick note to say it's great that you have a counsellor lined up - you mentioned that it's a private counsellor. That's a fantastic option but just want to make sure you know that free counselling is also available via GamCare.
And thanks for coming back to your diary regularly, and taking on board the advice that forum users have for you. Keep posting.
Take care
Forum Admin
Forum admin wrote:
Hello ADT785
This is just a quick note to say it's great that you have a counsellor lined up - you mentioned that it's a private counsellor. That's a fantastic option but just want to make sure you know that free counselling is also available via GamCare.
And thanks for coming back to your diary regularly, and taking on board the advice that forum users have for you. Keep posting.
Take care
Forum Admin
Can never have too many options I suppose? 🙂
I second the keep posting. Tri
Hello
Thanks for the messages guys well I have 6 free sessions from work so was going to use that and pay for a few so not completely self funding.
Been a strange day bit up and down not very hungry and bit stressed from everything going on lost about a stone in 12 days tbf I'm 17 stone 10 now and 6ft 3 so every cloud I guess.!
My daughter has been amazing today laid some flowers on my grabs grave and poped to see my Grampa he is a farmer a man of very few words in his late 80s but he was so wonderful about my current situation at home offered me money........ No thanks Grampa need to dig myself out of this mess.
Told my sister tonight about my gambling problem she's been on her honeymoon she has been really supportive. Knew about my issue a few years back and said she is so glad I'm seeing someone gonna go see her this Wednesday night.
Had a fun afternoon with my daughter down the park had a picnic bit of a snooze. Came home cooked her tea and wrote a note to my wife and put some chocolates and football stickers in for my boy and them to share. My note was to my family I love and miss you very much. Wife I know you're angry and will give you the space you deserve to process this I will wait for ever and I hope you let me show you what I am going to do to change. I have been dealing with her all wrong pestering her. Im anxious as miss her need to back off like cynical wife and my sister and mate have told me. Dropped kid off tearful in the car on way home rang my mate for a chat and a cheer up.
So I have my photos ready and photocopied and my drivers licence and am going on a strut around the bookies tomorrow. Then can go to my mates for a celebration curry. Taking the bull by the horns.
Andy
PS LEAVING WALLET AT HOME!
Sounds like a bit of an up and down day Andy ? , Your doing the right things buddy and you can only deal with things one day at a time, a good decision not to accept your grandads offer as it's all to easy if we let others bail us out , I'm happy paying off my debt monthly as it serves as a reminder to me of a bad time in my life , it also stops me becoming complacent regarding my ongoing recovery .
Great also to see you giving your wife some breathing space , it's going to take a while for her to get her head around all of this and as difficult as it is for you , remember it's a hundred times worse for her .
I can assure you that when youv'e done your first self exclusion tommorow you'll feel quite uplifted and very empowered , it's the first step for you taking back control of you life , instead of the bookies controlling you !!.
Hope all goes well for you my friend , best wishes and enjoy the curry !
Alan
Hi again Andrew , just wanted to say thank you for the comment on my diary , It's really kind that with everything you have going on around you right now you took the time to post .
Stay strong my friend and I wish you well !
Best wishes Alan
Well took some sleepint tablets last night had a solid 9 hours and felt human today.
Got on the train to work had 100 pounds cash in my wallet and my bank card and walked into a bookies...........
I walked straight pased the FOBT machines straight to the counter and asked to self exclude.. Felt so happy till she said i needed two photos and had 1 hmmmm. So went to work first time since wednesday took a few days off try sort my head out after i wrote my letter to my wife. few boys in work know been very good. Bit odd earlier as two guys at my desk for 15 mins talking about spread betting they are nuts for it always going on about it. never my poson online gambling but still. One of them knew i had an issue and said sorry after wont happen again it's a tough one....
So lunch time hit 4 of the bookies and have one left. I dont know how i feel to be honest feel happy i have the power to walk into somewhere like that with my wallet and cash by the way put cash in the bank! I sold my old mobile, in the past that would be straight into the machine no into the bank. I have actually transfered it to my wife with some more money for the food shop for last week and this week. Come back to work and emailed the self exclusion company. They are a nightmare to get hold of...... Just want to get this bit done. I have one bookies to hit after work and it is my local one will have no options then. To be honest i dont want to gamble right now no urge nothing. I should feel good but and yeaa i do feel i have taken some control. Still very upset up about my family really miss my wife and the pain i have caused it really hurting me and im v anxious. Going to keep busy tonight over a mates. Tomorrow night is my first counciling session looking forward to making a start on my emotions i have been told i will come over pretty emotionally drained will see how it goes.Well it's day 9 today and can hold my hand up today and say i smashed the bookies in the nose (Metaphorically speaking)
Well done on stareing the gambling demon in the eye Andrew and you have smashed him in the nose full on my friend !, your feeling's and emotions will be running riot for a while but be assured it's all part of the process of taking back control of your life , hopefully the counciling sessions will help you make some sense of all of this and clear your head a little , like you I was never into the online stuff and much prefered stuffing wads of cash down the hungry throat of a Fobt machine , get the other self exclusion done ASAP so you don't leave any doors open , then you can begin to reap the rewards of recovery One day at a time !.
Were all in this together and fully understand the feelings your experiencing , just take little steps my friend and things will improve !!.
Best wishes for tomorrow buddy and talk with you soon .
Alan
Hi Alan thanks for your kind words I very much am into the fobts never the ggs or footie. I did do a few rugby bets but always like a pound first truer scorer and the lottery 1 line or 2 if over 100 million. odd really when I'd throw 100s into the fobts. One I'm sure il break down. So I poped into my last one and did it was a good experience I never talked in these places head down pumping money in machines. but the guy Phil the manager seen him over years this was my main one said to me well done shook my hand on the way out congratulations and good luck. So I walked down the road to the train I can see 3 bookies in the distance really nice that I have taken control and now have no choice but to walk on what ever happens. By the way self exclusion emailed me and going to call me tomorrow. I have done all my main ones want to get s Wales done though. It's liberating doing self exclusion defo recommend it as an experience to walk in and face your demon for a fobt user.
Well done bud your right it is very liberating I did it the same SE in P rain from my local ones and was treated with respect and called the number to the others around the area which I didnt visit so much.
While it's admirable you went in with cash on the hip and came out with it and I know you had it on you very a reason, I would not suggest testing yourself that way. I know of one lad from my GA who stood outside with 250 on him and walked away the next week he was 2k down.
I'm not trying to knock you down just a word of warning enjoy your day it's been a good one today
KTF
That's great Andrew that youv'e done the last one , It's funny you saying about the manager shaking your hand as I had the same thing happen , one actually said " well done on recognising I had a problem " so I think they are very aware of our betting patterns and obviously they watch the way we play and our losses from behind the counter , there supposed to be pro active in dealing with people they believe have a problem but I feel that if anyone had approached me while I was in the "zone" as it were, I really wouldn't have been intrested in anything they had to say and would have been more inclined to tell them to do one because they were taking up precious gambling time !.
Youv'e made the right choice there Andy , it will make life much easier as all the usual haunts are now out of bounds and gives you a very usefull tool to take you through recovery , I know the early day's can be really difficult at times , dealing with the withdrawl of addiction plus trying to sort out relationships as well but as I said the other day , " Little steps " are the way forward , keep chipping away and things begin to heal and get better , there is a lot more to life after all of this stuff we put ourselves and others through , I know because I walked the same path as you 9 short months ago my friend and just as it has got much better for me , it will for you !!.
Best wishes buddy and catch up soon .
Regards Alan
Thanks ktf your right it was a bit of a silly think to do. In my head I was getting one over the fobts and prove to myself my will power. Silly really and not an example to follow. It has been a good day and double figures tomorrow.
Thanks Alan for that post l can't wait to hit 251!
Hi ADT785. You are doing really well and should hold your head up as high as the sky! Be proud of yourself! You are not a bad person! You sound like a great dad and that is the main thing! We do put our family through hell when doing this but it does not make us"s**m" or a bad person! everyone has their vices but unfortunately for us it is this! I have never been a drug addict or an alcoholic but I would think that this is just as harming to us as the physical symptoms of drug misuse. The anxiety it causes after a loss is well...... Horrific! What I'm trying to say is that you have to give up gambling for yourself! No one else at the moment! Just think about yourself and a lot of people may disagree with me but if people don't want to support you at the moment let them get on with it because YOU are doing the right thing now and making massive steps forward! If your wife loves you she will see through it in the end when she has calmed down. If not then she will miss out on the new you when you have sorted yourself out. Chin up mate. Sorry for babbling on. Regards SwordFish
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