A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Hello Swordfish thank you so much for your comments it is really nice of you. I feel positive about this step tonight more so than at the time. I have celebrated with a friend over Diet Coke and a shish kebab and storage wars haha the small things! my wife text me a picture of my daughter her first tooth fell out gutted I won't be there to see her wide smile and eyes in the morning.but I won't let it get me down.my wife text me a picture she didn't have to do that still getting the silent treatment which is fine she needs to accept what I have done. I am doing this for myself and my family I want to be happy again in life and get this monkey off my back! I feel

rrally confident I'm finding writing my diary talking about somthing I have hidden for years is really helping. tonight I feel a little like me again. I had a laugh with my friend over my self exclusions experiences one shop ran out of forms so I found another one I was determined to nail them all.he gambles and has set himself limits and is kind of in control... He cant believe I had the plums to walk in to all these bookies and say I'm out. I'm proud to say I know a forum full of people who do! It's the first step to saying no more it's my life and I'm gonna control it.

Great post ADT - keep going and keep pushing forward every day.

Love the fact they ran out of forms that's the part of wishing it's because they are in huge demand.

Hate the fact they have run out of forms that's the cynical side of me thinking they don't take the addiction seriously enough.

Be nice if its the first one.

Take a positive that she sent you the picture, trust me I know it's hard but now you are stopping gambling you will find the time you spend with your kids is quality time. Focus on that it will only make you stronger.

KTF

So day 10 is here! Double digits.Woke up feeling Ok slept again for a good 7 hours woke up got changed and had a text off my wife she is ill can i take the kids to school. of course happy to help got to see my kids for a bit my boy is my step boy but he is mine really hes a great kid and my gappy daughter with her tooth missing was nice to be involved this morning feels like i havnt missed out. My wife has a bad migraine still not talking to me i messaged her saying kids are in school and put them in afterschool club so there till 6. Text her hope she feels better and had a thank you. Again she needs her space!

So got to cardiff and no urge to gamble tbf i cant regardless as im not allowed in haha. Work is pretty tough at the moment i am so busy and my work stacked up against me still a bit fussy with what is going on in my life. Feel a lot calmer today looked in the mirror and cant see a tired person looking back at me but can actually face myself. Well looked at my finances earlier.... Yes i am in a bit of debt but it isnt perolous worked out i am able to save between 450 and 500 pounds a month after all my bills which is pretty cool. I am a bit nervous about getting paid next week. usually i hit the machines but i am going to save the money in an account. Going to bring it up in counciling tonight getting a little nervous about it now. Dont feel as emotional as i have been got a feeling that will change later.

ADT785 well done mate! Your still doing great! One thing.... Do not put pressure on yourself about saving money! This has been my downfall on so many occasions! All the time every second of the day I am thinking what can I save at the end of the month. About 300... It's unrealistic unless you earn a lot of money. Being family men like ourselves things always pop up that we need to pay for. That is where I have gone wrong. For example I get paid I think yea! I can save 400 this month. Suddenly some unexpected bills come in and I will be able to save 200 if lucky. My missus might then need a haircut. Then I'm saving a hundred and now I'm panicking!! I think I need to get this extra expense back! Into the bookies I go or online and suddenly instead of saving I'm taking a pay day loan! Don't put pressure on yourself! As long as we stay out of the bookies we are doig the right thing! Please don't fall into that trap of putting pressure on to save! It has killed me too many times! We sound similar in the way we talk mate pleased you are on here! Well not pleased but you know what I mean haha

Hi Swordfish totally see where your coming from with this and i suppose i always have the 500 in my head to save! I am obsessive over money i guess never really thought about it much i think that is down to wanting it to spend on machines and not giving it to my family..... Look if i save £300 pounds £200 pounds i will be happy. I want to reach June payday and go.... you know what i have a few 100 quid in my pocket and i havnt been smashing it into a fobt. Defo mate good to talk found it really helpful people giving their thoughts and opinions.

It's the same for me I am absolutely obsessed by money I don't know why maybe there is underlying cause. I'm seeing a councillor on Saturday morning so maybe they can delve deeper into that

So tonight I had my first cbt session. Was supposed to last an hr was in there an hr and 3/4 got on really well with her and had a good repore she was very interested to here my story got to know me and was interested in the history of my addiction had a chat about family life and parents siblings I came out with q load of home work and feel really good and positive. I can't believe the difference in myself between Saturday and today I have my kids over night tomorrow looking forward to that. Still v worried about me and Mrs ADT really not sure what's going to happen my therapist said u pour petrol on q fire u need to wait for it to die down to control. I like that. Disgusses self exclusion she was happy i did this myself big step and also discussed ga. so said I can't fully commit due to distance but she wants me to go to experience it. Said that if I see her once a week for a month then go to twice a month. Going to bed without a sleeping tablet feeling great happiest I have felt in weeks bring on day 11

So woke up today and was feeling good about everything got up early got a coffee caught the train to work i have booked a half day going to get my kids from school. I am a little upset as somthing flashed up on facebook my wife has put quite a reveling picture up and i can only see her picures but no comments or wall posts is this her trying to wind me up? I will be honest it has worked upset me and feel anxious again now. Well it is day 11 for gambling this isnt going to push me over the edge. Just really want to talk to her and see where we are at but i know i cant push her at the moment. I havnt been eating right the last 24 hours just not hungry and feel a bit empty. Going over my sisters with the kids tonight been keeping really busy havnt had chance to think my firends have been diving in and out they must have had a chat to keep an eye on me. Feel really shaky this morning doubts in my head now has me wife been speaking to over men paranoid or..... Just want to feel happy again had a good few days and im guessing i will be up and down for some time yet.

Hi mate I doubt very much she is talking to other men and to be honest if she is she ain't worth it but I think it's just another way to hurt you and get you back in her own way by making you paranoid. Keep strong matey you are doing really well. You need your side of the family round you so it's great you are going to your sisters. Remember what I said in an earlier post mate. You should hold your head up high! You have recognised your problem and are putting things in place to solve it. You have done this for yourself mate! No one else! Give your wife time as I said if she loves you she will recognise the changes you have made if not then she will miss out on he new you.

Hi, ADT,

I've seen some of the other advice on this thread and I would strongly disagree with it. A bit of humility wouldn't come amiss! Compulsive gambling damages everyone involved - her, you, the kids and other family members. She has suffered, all f&f do. You're not to blame for having an addiction but you are responsible for your behaviour, then and now.

Recovery is possible, you're doing what you need to do, stick with it but it's all long term, the damage wasn't done overnight and it won't repair overnight. The early days are difficult but there's support available on here and at GA. re other people, focus on doing what you need to do to improve your contribution to your relationships with those around you. It's all too easy to see everyone else's faults but it's not your job to correct those. You can't do anything to make everyone else improve themselves but you can change yourself. In time. Best done with the help of GA.

There's a theme about your wife talking to other men which sounds odd to me. Is it really the case that she'll go off with the first person she sees? Or are you looking for fault and finding it in her innocuous dealings with the rest of the world? An issue for you to look at in counselling? She may well feel that she's had enough and move on in time, if she does, she does. It's outside your direct control, she's outside your direct control. Your recovery is about you, stopping gambling, working on yourself, changing the addict mindset, taking responsibility for yourself without being dependent on her or anyone else.

And if she is unfaithful, two wrongs don't make a right but what is the difference between the lies involved in gambling and the lies involved in being unfaithful? Gambling can be compared to a mistress, it takes your time, energy and commitment away from your family.

Back to the advice to take one day or even one hour at a time, keep with the new you and things will improve.

BW,

CW

Cynical wife

There is so much difference in a relationship between being unfaithful and gambling! If you don't want to be with someone then you split up with them you don't cheat.

Hi Andy , I have to agree with CW and the post above , You can't control your wife and the way she's acting , you really have to realise just how much this has affected her , she thought she knew you but has now come to realise a lot of her life with you was based on lies and deceit and that's a massive shock for anyone to handle , maybe she is trying to get back at you in her own way but we all react that way when we get badly hurt , I'm not having a go Andy it's just the way it is my friend but you need to just let it run it's course , do everything you can to show her how your making changes and hope that she believes your being genuine in trying to put things right .

Best wishes Buddy !

Alan

Hello everyone

Thank you for your comments she had put a picture up I have taken offence not sure if she is speaking to men im paranoid emotional and very insecure at the moment. Well.... I messaged her left work early and called in to talk for an hr she asked me some questions and I answered first dialogue since the gamble bomb she is fuming she has gone to the council for a house.... They said my gambling and hiding finances are domestic abuse.... I totally buy into the lies and deceit the anger and hurt I have caused. sorry I can't accept I am an abusive husband what's people's thoughts on this cynical wife keen for ur input on this. She said she loved me but what I have done is irreversible and said that's it I have asked so that's it.? She didn't answer and asked me to leave as has been to much. She is very upset been making her Ill causing her grades to suffer in college. Well I wasn't expecting open arms I want to add that. that was tough emotionally and for her must have been hell. I can only hope and show her what I'm doing to improve myself offered her total transparency with money. Learned she had a loan as run next account up never told me. Money had been an issue in our marriage my obbsesviness with gambling been a bit stresser and when she wanted to talk about money it shoo shooed it away. Toughest day since weekend.

Tough day then mate! Domestic abuse?? Not sure about that! Very harsh on yourself! Guess we have to take these types of allegations because of this addiction we have but that must be awful to be tarred with that!