A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Well done mate keep up the good work, your doing great!

Good stuff I went for a haircut once cost £400 And never came home with the haircut they was that many times I tried to win a small amount so I didn't have to pay for it. So well done walking by today.

KTF

Cheers Guys for the comments. Its really funny you say about doing the gambling to pay for you hair cut it is a mindset i have had before if i do this i can pay for that but wasnt somthing i gambled for. It sounds silly but my gambling was like a release from stress my friends cant understand why i gamble as they know i dont need money as have a decent job. Only explanation is that i do it for the buzz and for the stress release i guess somthing im sure i will work on through CBT.

Bit of a rubbish sleep last night. I think i am worried as it is pay day. going through my head a bit that i have cash and how much i have. I need to chill out a bit as over analysing my money a bit GA have suggested that i give someone control over my money. I dont really want to do that i think though i am going to withdraw a chunk of cash put it into a savings account and give it to a one of my parents of sister to look after Wish i could ask my wife but obv she hates my guts at the moment..... She keeps texting me about have the kids and i have said when i am having them next few weeks she is the one who wants space trying so hard to give it! Well today im still trying to feel positive about everying! Got new trousers a new hair cut and gonna grab my beuitiful daughter tonight and see my sister for an hour or two.

I have had very similar situations , gambling thinking well if I win this il be able to pay for last nights partying or those expensive shoes I want il just go win some money , never ever did it work , once bought a £300 barbour coat with some winnings but soon lost everythin but still owned a really expensive coat! It's always going to end up in a bad way , your doing great mate , I know what your saying about payday im the same but I'm going to put some down on a holiday and focus on saving and keep making everyday a winner! We can do it

Tom your a star we will do this pal!!! Well day 19 i have cbt and ga tonight looking forward to it. Im feeling a bit cheesed off this morning argued with mes adt last night she is buying a 10k car with no job so no loan so guessing it is going on a cc. She needs to get rational so we can talk properly i feel bad for getting angry but she completely cut me out. Been up parents for a month i pay every bill at that house plus food money for her and kids. Cant go on like this. told her i have to come home soon. She has to wise up a bit and get real new cars and tattoos are masking happy feelings and have said its coming to the point. we work through this together or she has to follow through on this threat and end us and move. Not sure if this is right or not my parents is not my home any more. She just told me to leave her alone. So i will and gonna leave it a week and a week sat or sunday im gonna move back in. So i feel stronger in myself anxiety isnt there as much and feel confident with my gambling battle. Only area im strugling withnis sleep. Been weeks now. Loving my weight loss though haha my boy told me i look like a footballer with my haircut. Cheers dude

Tom your a star we will do this pal!!! Well day 19 i have cbt and ga tonight looking forward to it. Im feeling a bit cheesed off this morning argued with mes adt last night she is buying a 10k car with no job so no loan so guessing it is going on a cc. She needs to get rational so we can talk properly i feel bad for getting angry but she completely cut me out. Been up parents for a month i pay every bill at that house plus food money for her and kids. Cant go on like this. told her i have to come home soon. She has to wise up a bit and get real new cars and tattoos are masking happy feelings and have said its coming to the point. we work through this together or she has to follow through on this threat and end us and move. Not sure if this is right or not my parents is not my home any more. She just told me to leave her alone. So i will and gonna leave it a week and a week sat or sunday im gonna move back in. So i feel stronger in myself anxiety isnt there as much and feel confident with my gambling battle. Only area im strugling withnis sleep. Been weeks now. Loving my weight loss though haha my boy told me i look like a footballer with my haircut. Cheers dude

Hello Woke up this morning after a solid 7 hours sleep was nice! So work yesterday and at 5 oclock i had my CBT therapy session. Was good talked about what is going on in my life and she gave me advice on this. We also talked about my gambling and started scratching the surface on the root cause. Interesting i used to be only able to drink soft drinks on a sunday and at the age of 3 or 4 i was grabing drinks hiding them for later and was also sneaking it from the cuboard during the week. A sign of the devinat in me and training for later life..... Well i cant dwell on the past have to move forward with it. Went to GA last night in cardiff second session was really good its a really positive place and something i really need and am going to continue! They genuinly seemed so happy i was back for a second week people saying their thinking of me how nice is that made me feel part of somthing and i would love to be able to contribute to this and give advice later in my recovery! Well the weekend is here have lots of plans Out for beers tonight kids tomorrow mid day and then drop back later sunday before going to a BBQ bank holiday monday free but sure somthing will pop up! Been nervous about the weekends so far feel more positive about this one! Or im trying to feel very positive! You cant turn off the rain..... You just have to dance through it!

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you. Stick with it.

BW

CW

Thank you CW hope your well!

Sounds like you have a great weekend planned mate , embrace the weekend and keep positive we can do this your doing great 20 days is not easy im on 6 days now and Iv had ups and downs too , first payday to myself this and I'm going to make the most of the bank holiday . Need to make sure I behave when Iv had a drink and don't even think about gambling ! Have a great weekend mate and enjoy your new gamble free bank holidays!

Thanks tomh been a tough day today not really sure why feel emotionally battered after yesterdays double therapy thinking of my kids a lot today missing them. Went into a pub for lunch looking at the machines making me shudder in disgust. All day a paper in work been looking at me with the lottery on just feel lole going home and sleeping but i have to go out see my friends. Day 20 been tough. Gambling thoughts im not tempted i dont think finding it hardto explain.

That moment aged 32 u open the door at ur parents drunk and realise u failed. My god its tough. First time drunk in 21 days of bet free hmmm it hurts weight loss and height have added sexuality to myself i want one thing my wife which im not sure i will ever have.....iv avoided fruit machines and bookies iv sang karoke and put this face on but utlimatly im andy and im a compuslive gambler its 130 am i just want to cuddle my wife which i know i never will again. A painful feeling which will haunt me forever. Tonthe future my friends raise a glass and say. To the unknown feeling of failure is me......

Hi there,

Try and get some sleep. Everything looks 100% worse now you're under the influence of alcohol. You are doing great, you're working your recovery one day at a time and you truly don't know what's round the corner.
I know it hurts, but please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.

Look after you and keep moving forward

S

Hello well as from my last post today i have a slight hangover...... But i have safely reached day 21. Yesterday gambling was everywhere my friends disapeared in the bookies for 40 mins me i had a pint and felt a bit annoyed with them but content. I see a cg in one of my mates see the signs but not my place to preach. Well the night was giid had fun and laughed hard talked to people told a few if my mates why me and wife split up and all were awsome feel happy iv admitted my addiction to my friends. Just my parents now bit nervous about that. Gotta get my kids in but nervous about seeing wife she will just blank me anyway. Been feeling pretty lonely the last week there is only so much u can keep busy looking forward to a nice cwtch off my daughter in a bit and seeing her big wide eyes and beuitiful smile

Day 21 over been a tough one. Told my parents the truth today. They been away for 2 weeks. Why Have me and mrs adt seperated. Well...... Very tough very emotional felt like a teenager again but took control and said i dont want ur help financially just want ur support. They are gutted my sister was the fav im a bit of a black sheep. So thats all my loved ones told i text mrs adt to tell her she still hates me but she text back saying glad iv told them. Shes cold as ice..... So i feel im practucing what im preaching trying to give space and just trying to be honest and live honestly.