A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

A tough day as you say however well done on 3 weeks and double well done for coming out with the truth

Best wishes

Andrew, dealing with any break up is tough @ the best of times so extra kudos to you pushing through with your recovery whilst you are hurting so much! It takes guts to come clean & you are proving that you have the strength to do what it takes! Keep working on your recovery & you may even feel the black wool fading a little as you progress! I can't help but wonder if the whole sheep feeling is because you don't like yourself very much & once you start accepting you're an alright geezer who made a few mistakes along the way, the way you perceive other people's feelings towards you may also change? A bit philosophical for 2338 hours but I am assured parents love their children equally!

You are doing great, keep it up - ODAAT

Thank you so much both for your comments. I dont like myself at the moment to be honest its all the lieing and deceiving i have done. But the point is i know what i have done and i am 22 days in and trying my hardest to work on myself and make things right and i am going to win. Failure isnt an option im upset about the wife devastated but i have a daughter who needs me and is my fuel for success. My diaries are dark because the last 3 weeks litrally have been the worst 3 weeks of my life if i didnt have such amazing friends and family i dont know what i could have done. Parents been really cool this morning they cant understand how my wife can love me and be like she has been its a point that keeps coming with friends and family and i dont know..... Shes acting out as she is upset really.well today got my daughter poped to gym for an hr come back and gonna visit my grampa and come back chill out. Off to a bbq tonite so be good no booze for me today quite like being sober at the moment feel clear headed and no guilt from not gambling its a nice feeling and its also nice i have noooo secrets! Relief

You are doing amazing and I know I don't know you and will never meet you but your diary is inspiring to me as I can absolutely relate to it , when your as low as we have been and some still are , literally rock bottom nothing else could go wrong all we can look to do is scraping ourselves of the floor and fighting back we have learnt and only time will heal us making sure those days keep growing. I am sure and hopefull that as the days progress the bank balance grows the people who we let down will realise and come back and forgive us . Let's keep going , perseverance is the key keep plugging away mate

Hi ADT

Feeling your pain it ain't easy but it will get better wether that's as a couple or you going alone. In time you will see there was no point in living the life you was. Don't want to say to much as I've had a few beers but hang in there mate what you are doing now will be great if you get back if you don't it will still put you in good holes. Stay strong and keep fighting the fight.

KTF

Hello both thank you for ur kind comments. Im hanging in there went to the bbq last night had a great time. Lots of fun. Going to do some work this morning and then go mow my lawn over my house. wife hasnt done it and looks a state. Friends think im mad but its my house.....With regards to my wife the way she has treated me i feel has been bad and iv had enough now. I feel happy in myself except for this stuff with wife and missing kids. This is causing me the issues. I have told her that she has untill next week to accept things then we need to sit down and talk about what is going on. Its been 4 weeks Im annoyed that i am working hard paying every bill in a house im not living in whilst she isnt workind and reaping the rewards. Im also giving them food money 60 quid a week should i be doing this.... Doesnt feel right when she us buying 10k cars on ccs and tattoos this week. I need to take some control back i feel strong enough to do this now. Life is up and down but feels like the downs are not as hard to take now and i get angry and P****d off at her rather than upset.

You are a f*****g inspiration mate and have helped me than than you know! Well done mate and keep strong!

It must be a good sign as i had to look at what day i am on! Day 24.

I was really nervous about this weekend. But i have had a great weekend in fact the best weekend that i have had in a very very long time! I went out partied i had quality time with my daughter i told my parents my darkest secret and at first were angry and then were great. I hit a bbq and have seen most of my closest friends. I am to put it mildly riding high.... I am worried that i am going to hit a low tbh i have been so low for a while not sure if it me being negative or what....

So i have had pay in my bank for nearly a week and i still have what i budgetd to save and hasnt been shoved in a fobt feels fantastic feel proud of my self but i am not not being complacent i know i have a long road ahead of me. Come into work today and my manager has left for two weeks and i have been asked to step up into his role. Wow im quite chuffed have worked hard the last 12 months and is an oppotunity to shine which i will take.

So went over the house and cut my lawns yesterday as were knee high MRS ADT had a pop saying i wasnt giving her space and was over there. really P@@@ed me off to be honest. Just walked off im at a stage now where i am feeling she is not helping my recovery. I love her to death but she needs to be with me not against me doesnt feel right!

So work today gonna treat myself and buy a firestick later and set that up with KODI (IT NERD ALERT) after work hit the gym and chill out. Got the kids tomorrow over night which will be nice. Need to make some plans for friday that is my aim at the moment to make as many plans as a i can to fill my time.

Hope you all have a lovely day and stay gamble free!!!!!!

Hi, new on here myself been following your story and it's what's made me register on here really I think your doing amazing and it's really inspiring and it's pushed me to do this myself, I've not Made a diary on here like you have yet but it's something I may do, at the min just reading others going though the same is helping a lot, I've struggled with gambling for years now I'm 26 and I would say last 3 years it's started to become a massive problem for me i work hard and I have nothing because it's all gambled away I feel like is ruining my life and it is! Last week I lost a massive amount left me short for all kinds I needed and that was kind of the straw that broke the camels back for me so I thought I couldn't do it on my own so searched this site came up and this forum came up and to be honest I'm so glad it did reading your story made me see it can be done so yesterday I self excluded myself from every online site I could think of for max of 5 years (im more of an online gambler) and it felt good. All I ever think is the things i could of done with that money but I've let go of it all now it's money that's gone and I won't get back so time to move on and beat this, anyway sorry for bombarding your post with all mine just wanted to say keep it up your doing amazing and thank you for sharing your story you should feel positive your post on here is what's helped me and maybe others to also get on the road to recovery!

first time reading your diaries mate, i feel really inspired. keep fighting, you are doing so so well! i hope everything goes well this week and i look forward to catching up on your recovery.

cheers
Ben

Hi Rylex and Ben thank you for that really means a lot that you feel inspired! Look we are all in this together and the more support you have the beter too. I have found that if you write what you feel it does really help guys! and make sure you ring gamcare for the free counciling they are really really good! I have found a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and that has been fantasic for me and is somthing i will be doing after a few months of Therapy it feels like the right place for me. It doesnt matter who you are or what background we are all here and all fighting for each day to be happy! Guys start a diary it will do you good and if you ever want to comment on here you feel free! Rylex well done on the self exclsion this was my first major step at taking control! Look that money is gone it is a common theme you will read. Im thinking about that lost Money your 26 mate that is sooooo much time to earn! take it easy on yourself!

So written a bit today havnt been that busy and cant sleep at the moment. Today i feel like im riding high feel happy. Think its the exercise healthy eating and honesty. Well got to share it i had a gambling urge today..... Walked out of work and it crossed my mind had a funny half hr was thinking about wife and kids and the mess it all is. Walked straight to train and rang a mate went away then. Had one about ten days ago has to be stress related. I dont want to gamble dont feel like it but just came over me when i left work alone was a bit of a trigger before. One to discuss in ga and councilling. Im worried im happy now and gonna go low again hated the low period of last week feels nice to have a clear mind and just enjoying being around people at moment hate being alone get time to think and dwell. Postive thinking!!!!

Well done ADT. Your post reminds me of one time in my recovery when I put my hand in my pocket and felt a note... instantly I thought BOOKIES! My mind had been trained to assimilate money with gambling. I stepped one step towards the bookies and then snapped out of it. I didn't want to gamble but my mind had been programmed from so many years.

Thanks for the comment on my diary ADT. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Look forward to reading your journey, best wishes

HFB

Thanks for the reply to my comment. Yer the self exclusion was big step for me made it feel very final tried quiting few times in past but always lasted a week feel different this time tho like a light has gone on and my determination is there now, well done on fighting that urge I went to asda today normally I'm straight over to the scratch card counter (that's another one of my problems) I thought for 1 min to get one and walked straight past so glad I never. Hope your wife comes around soon I think you would really benefit from her support at the stage your at now, it's understandable she was angry but time has passed now loved ones are suppose to support each other no matter what though good times and bad so I hope things improve on that score for, think I'll start my own diary tomorrow when I figure out how too can't seem to find how will have proper look tomoz.