it's been a week since I stopped gambling after losing about £40,000 in 3 months. First I told my wife and the revelation of betrayal blew a big hole in our marriage. I then had to tell my mum and put that worry on her. I keep on feeling better and more positive, but the constant reminder of broken trust brings me down again. I come home from work amd every bit of post is lying on the table, ripped open. I get texts throughout the day asking 'why did you book us a holiday?' 'Why did you let me buy you a watch?'I had already handed over all my bank details to my wife. But every thing is turned back to the savings I blew. The physical and verbal abuse that first night of fury shocked me. Right there I knew there was no way I would gamble again.. Cognitive Therapy 101. What a wake up call..i only thought gamvling could hurt myself...i thought what you give you have the right to lose. Nope, not the moment you have a family of your own. Everything that is good is wiped out by what I did. Its all justified and understandable. The relationship has lost its equality for now. There is my wife's money..that is hers and hers alone and there is our money.my pride hurt by being treated like the addict that I must be. I have committed to nhs treatment, which will take a while to begin. I'm not yet 40 years old...i'm lucky that we can financially recover in 6 months, but thats not the hard part. Power in a relationship has to be used carefully..I only hope trust can build over the months. Money can't buy coming home from work to be greeted with warmth and love. Thats my goal.
Hey..it's early days..she's probabally in shock...
You've none for years about your gambling....she hasn't...so I suppose it's to be expected...
But....the main thing is you've decided to do something about your addiction. ...that's the priority now..to not gamble...
My hubby didn't react as badly as I thought he would....shock for a couple of days....then a bit of anger...but again..not what id imagined....he did chuck a couple sarcastic remarks once....but actually I remember telling him ..hey..just because I'm an addict doesn't give you the right to speak/treat me like P**P..or something like that...he's never remarked since..
Trust...well I suppose that takes a very long time to rebuild...I'm not 100% sure my hubby will ever trust me again...
But In a funny sort of way that doesn't bother me...I know I'm being open and honest and gamble free...so I'm happy with myself....if that makes sense...
For me....I took me a while to forgive myself for all the s**t id caused....once I had...and more so after a few months I've grown into a confident 50 year old...
Time really is the best healer for most things....good luck
We go on holiday to Cyprus this weekend. Came home from work feeling good. My son has just been given his mum's old mobile. He asked me why "divorce and legal separation" was in the google history. I asked him to show me. I said not to worry. My wife went to bed after her bath. I'm not going to cause a fuss as understandable after what I did. But i'm no longer feelimg the holiday high.
Just had valentines night dinner with my wife. Two weeks since I gambled and came clean with my wife. It's gone past fury to disdain from her. That's progress and I have to accept the lack of trust will mean comments will slip into every conversation. It's clear the worst part of gambling is never the money. Once your partner loses trust it's not easily won back. And I don't mean pretend trust...that deep down respect, kind touch of the arm, loving glance..once removed you really notice. I hope I'll earn it back one day..but I can't be sure
Hi Pabloc! A lot of us have been there and got that particular t-shirt. Everyone's situation is that little bit different, everyone reacts differently, but one thing remains constant. We have breached a trust which will take a lot of time and effort to try to win back, and we have to understand that it might not be something we can't win. My wife and I are still standing after 10 years, despite what I have done. No, the relationship is not the same as it was, tut there are moments of laughter and tenderness and events which remind us of why we have stuck together. Personally, I don't think she can ever truly trust me again, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, just a different thing, it's her safety-net, she has to protect herself. Our lack of childcare arrangements has meant she's never been able to attend gam-anon, but was did spent a lot of time on the Gambling Therapy friends and family site in the weeks and months after I came clean for the first time. I think that helped her immeasurably, not just trying to understand us, but about how to look after herself. Those kind of forums might be something your wife has no interest in, but it is an option. The dog house ain't a great place to be, but there are worse. This process will take time, maybe a lifetime, don't push too hard, let you wife move at her pace.
All the best, whatami.
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