As for addiction it rides caged in my mind, it's rattled the bars a few times, desperate to get my attention, today I laugh at it as it did me for oh so many years.
​This sentence says it all Duncs, the fact that after all this time and with the wonderful life you are now living you still have to almost daily fight the f*****g demons as they try to destroy your happiness but you have them just where they should be, scrunched underfoot. Such hard work but so worthwhile - respect.
xxx
Morning diary
Your kind words bowl me over.
So a quick update, I have implemented the new menu, had another cook off, one of the owners brought down one of his business partners from London who proceeded to want to re name all the dishes.
Lol he wanted another name for the ham hock terrine! I said brawn and laughed
He wanted to put homemade before everything and was astounded when I said that it is simply old hat to do so.
I pointed out that the establishment up the road, a branded pub sells 95% of its menu on the premise it's homemade when I know they use a central distribution kitchen, therefore they have misused the name.
The fella replied 'we all lie all the time'
My reply 'fella I lied for twenty years but the last three and a half I have chosen an honest life'
The owner threw me a look and his partner looked dumbfounded.
I lied to myself for twenty years, I pretended that everything was rosy, I would flower things up, I would let addiction ride roughshod over my mind, I was utterly devoted to feeding it, I was so deluded that I really did think that gambling would provide a solution to all my woes.
What gambling did was stop me from addressing the shi#t in my life that needed addressing.
The outcome, that oh well fookety f**k feeling that I have to commit further to gambling.
TO REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECT THE OUTCOME TO CHANGE.
my life for twenty years in one word madness.
I simply f****d my own mind.
I am a compulsive gambler, I will be for life.
I have the privilege to write the word recovering before it.
I will do whatever it takes to ensure that my mind remains my own, I have and will devote my life to recovery before anything else.
I have a food idol, his name is Marco, not the tv chef he became but the one who wrote white heat and cooked in the canteen.
Funny today with my long hair and commitment to the cause, I resemble him in some form, I have a policy in my kitchen, if you wouldn't demolish the plate of food your about to send yourself, don't send it.
I am wholly focused on the job at hand, I have got to thinking maybe this is my 'white heat'
I am cooking the best food I ever have, I am unhindered by addiction and it's ability to f**k with my being.
I have another meeting today, the owners want to promote me on their website, they want pictures, I am going to decline.
Why??
I am not a peacock, I am a cook,I have a team, I am useless without them
A lot like home.
Sarah is the most important person in my life, our three kids follow, the hounds running behind
I don't want to be paraded about, nobody owns the right to do that.
I want to live a peaceful, for filling life, at present I am.
Again I will be honest with the owners.
I am confident they will understand, most of all I understand myself and how I function best.
I was offered a gift ,that gift was recovery, I started unwrapping it,I found some wonderful things between it's layer's, I relish the opportunity to continue opening it.
You can too, there's a priceless gift awaiting your life, I know only I could unwrap mine,the same applies to you.
It starts with a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Inspiring words as ever duncan
​
Morning diary.
I am off to work shortly a wedding to cater and Sunday roast to get ready.
Yesterday one of the staff got wed and the managers brother took control of the front of house.
He is an active compulsive gambler, how do I know?
I have walked in those shoes lol
Last night he was all sweetness and light wanted to be everyone's pal, I had fed a family of six,all happy with their food the kids were ordered a chocolate fudge sundae each which they devoured.
This lad took it upon himself to come in and get the kids more sundaes for free, stating they will return again! !
What a f*****g id#iot, it was totally unnecessary and today I will be bringing it to the table
Why?
Because I have learnt in life that it's easy to give things away if you are not footing the bill,if those folk return they won't get the same again will they?
I used to have a want to be top dog,an ego to match
I wanted the champagne lifestyle on lemonade money.
I have learnt to value everything and I will continue to do so.
A saying came to the fore
There is only one thing worse than being skint
That's looking skint.
It was like looking back into my own past.
Like me I know my words would be wasted, so my professional approach will prevail.
I will maintain consistency and retain the owners stock in the process.
Life throws some great lessons my way
I happily take them all
Today I will live by a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Strong post Duncs,
The bit that immediately struck a guilty chord with me, was how easy it was to give things/money away, when we wernt footing the bill,
Have a good day at work,
Suzanne xxx
Morning diary
Thanks Sue recovery is very sobering at times.
On Saturday night one of the owners opened the kitchen door and stood next to him was a fella who's wife I worked for whilst at the height of my addiction, I was a proper ar#se to them, by rights the fella should have given me a right hook,he would be well within his rights.
Instead he gave me a massive hug, he said he wanted to talk to me at the time as his own father was a gambling addict and he had worked it out that I had the same demon living in my mind.
He said that I owed them no apology and again hugged me.
I am a very different fella today, I am living a life within addiction.
I am truly thankful that I found recovery and relentlessly pursue the opportunity.
The owner was humbled I believe, the fella promised to come and sample my food, something I will gift with all my heart.
I accept that I cannot change the past but I learn from the catastrophic mistakes I made.
So a new week, interviews for Junior chefs top priority, my relentless schedule continues, working hours dominate my life, I can see light ahead, I will pace myself towards it.
One lesson comes after another
I welcome them all.
Humbled and sobered
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Morning diary.
I am enjoying a lay in, after Sarah got up for work I enticed the hounds to enjoy her side of the bed,lol I am now teetering on the edge as they have taken over! Lol how can two whippets take so much room! !
The truth is they would stay in bed all day, they kurplunk up together and love sleep! !
The fall out is if you let them sleep they are truly naughty and full of mischief when they wake
So shortly I will scrape myself up and wander with them.
Last night our lily treated me to a visit to my favourite place to eat lol, micks monster burgers, disgusting but delicious and after another straight 12 hour day just the ticket!
I got ahead in terms of food preparation for the first time yesterday so I will enjoy a few later starts this week.
Payday yesterday, bills facilitated and money left safely in the bank so addiction won't be able to taunt my mind.
I will forever keep that triangle broken.
That piece of advice I received on my first day in recovery has no value, it's priceless
Time - money - location
Take one away at all times and the possibility to gamble is impossible.
And I know only to well that stopping gambling is the easy part, it's staying stopped which brings the need of total commitment.
Today I will live by making the right choice
One which invigorates my soul.
Great to see some diaries grow, keep writing, not only will you gift your own lives but you will help many other good folk to boot.
To truly recover I believe that it is imperative to give your own recovery away.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Morning Duncs , and thank you for your positve comments , 698 for you my friend , thats fantastic !! hope to be where you are one day mate !'m not getting complaicent , I know full well how quickly I could drift back into my old ways . What I am feeling probably is euphoria at the moment ?. It's early day's for me but this is the first time I have ever wanted to stop gambling , before I never felt the need , It's more now about the last couple of years where my gambling has got way out of control and I know now I cannot control it , it controls me . The only way for me now is to stop completely , which I accept and fully understand .!! That acceptance is the difference !. I did the same with being a really heavy smoker 20yrs ago , I made the decision to stop and have never smoked since . I'm that type of person , that once I've got it right in my head, its done !! . For me I need to break the cycle of gambling and 3 weeks on thats been done . and like you buddy I'm now looking forward never back !! . Take care brother and stay strong . Alan who will not gamble today !!
Hi,
Many thanks for your kind post and yes it was a bit cold this morning but doggie enjoyed his walk and currently is flat out on the sofa after another walk this avo.
He too is a rescue lad and has been a power of strength to me. If you don't have a dog you will never know that feeling of desparation and an action or look from the dog makes everything better!
You are working very hard at the mo which was my inspiration for today. When I work at home in the past I have been a slacker. Today I have achieved, my work is done, the house is clean, the dinner is on and I await the arrival of wifey.
Thank you again for your insparational posts. Honest and very well delivered.
Best wishes
duncanmac wrote:
Morning diary.
I am enjoying a lay in, after Sarah got up for work I enticed the hounds to enjoy her side of the bed,lol I am now teetering on the edge as they have taken over! Lol how can two whippets take so much room! !
The truth is they would stay in bed all day, they kurplunk up together and love sleep! !
The fall out is if you let them sleep they are truly naughty and full of mischief when they wake
So shortly I will scrape myself up and wander with them.
Last night our lily treated me to a visit to my favourite place to eat lol, micks monster burgers, disgusting but delicious and after another straight 12 hour day just the ticket!
I got ahead in terms of food preparation for the first time yesterday so I will enjoy a few later starts this week.
Payday yesterday, bills facilitated and money left safely in the bank so addiction won't be able to taunt my mind.
I will forever keep that triangle broken.
That piece of advice I received on my first day in recovery has no value, it's priceless
Time - money - location
Take one away at all times and the possibility to gamble is impossible.
And I know only to well that stopping gambling is the easy part, it's staying stopped which brings the need of total commitment.
Today I will live by making the right choice
One which invigorates my soul.
Great to see some diaries grow, keep writing, not only will you gift your own lives but you will help many other good folk to boot.
To truly recover I believe that it is imperative to give your own recovery away.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Makes me exhausted just reading how busy you are. lol
seriously those duncs, keep it up on a daily basis. inspiring stuff!!!!!
Wise words from a man who been there,
Suzanne xxx
I wished wrote:
Wise words from a man who been there,
Suzanne xxx
and continues to live it daily. one of the posts i read on a regular basis.
Good morning diary.
Again your words of kindness humble and inspire me to continue making the right choice.
I pressed the wrong button this morning and my profile came up announcing that today I am 700 days without a destructive punt.
I know that for me there is no relevance in counting days because I associated counting with a result, if I count there has to be an end game and with recovery there is no end game it is a choice for life, also its a kick in the nuts of addiction, because it cannot pledge the ridiculous mind fookety f**k that for twenty years we had some great times!
The truth is addiction had a great time spending my cash and all the other cash I could lay my hands on by fair means or foul and then addiction would leave me wanting, whatever the stake it was never enough!
Money became worthless and with it my outlook upon life.
If gambling was a competition I lost,I admit that, I committed all and failed spectacularly.
Recovery is not a competition it is a life choice
For me I have learnt to judge by the actions of folk not look for things that don't concern me, I will continue to change the things I can and accept the things that I cannot.
I love honesty and understand it is something to respect.
For twenty years I carried around a life of deceit and shame, today the only shame is I took twenty years to find the courage to stand up to myself.
Today I have had another sleep in another days graft beckons, before I go I will put a beef stew in the slow cooker and wander once more with the hounds.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Morning diary.
I am a recovering compulsive gambler, I am willing to share my recovery with anyone whom I believe will accept that fact.
I don't tell folk to create sympathy, it's not the easiest option, I don't wear addiction as a badge, I don't use addiction as an excuse for any mistakes.
I am happy to share my recovery because by doing so I retain control of my mind.
Whilst active as an addict I would tell you anything I thought would result in my addiction being fed,I was wholly selfish, I was angry if my needs were not met and even angrier when they were.
Because feeding the compulsion to gamble had a constant negative impact on my life, it controlled my life 24/7,it was a futile act,it was never ending in the depths it would let me sink to so it could be fed, me I willingly fed it,couldn't see another way to turn, so I simply repeated the act,expecting change, the outcome never did.
Today I can see it, I relive the actions, I want to help others who share the same affliction.
The bitter pill there is for twenty years I would have just stuck my tongue out and put my fingers in my ears
Do you have to sink to the point where suicide seems to be the best option, where you twist every truth so you become the victim, where so long as addiction is fed you would give up everything.
I sincerely hope that you get off the ride before then.
Addiction is a dark,dark road, one that is lonely and fruitless.
Recovery brings light,opportunity and belief
Again it's only the individual who can take it.
I talked about all the things 'we' where going to do for twenty plus years,I fed those desires into a machine.
Today I would rather walk than talk
Talk is cheap, but as a functioning addict the cheapest option was my only choice.
Today I am humbled and truly grateful that I can see the impostor.
I live within it
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Morning diary
Off to work for the start of a long working weekend, I have a function this afternoon and a busy night ahead, then Sunday lunch to start preparing, tomorrow I have a very very special person eating, my wife, our lily is bringing her to sample my efforts, lol I will brace myself for her review lol.
Tomorrow night myself and our boys are being treated to a curry and to be able to sit together and enjoy the finale of this is England, something which we have all enjoyed greatly.
A reward of embracing recovery, those rewards are ceaseless and the best thing is the desire to share.
Something as an active gambler I failed to do
I was selfish beyond belief, funny because I was never satisfied with what I had and rather than keeping it I threw that away, fed it into a machine.
Today I see it, the futility of my actions.
I have learnt and will continue to.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
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