Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi duncs thank you for your post on my diary you always make me read your posts a few times you are an inspiration to all of us, I believe you are right in terms of seeing things in black and white again I feel it's like starting on work ladder again finding your feet and building confidence chauffeuring allowed me to hide for a lot of years think it was suppose to be this way, thanks again my friend.

the bear

Good morning duncs.

Had a couple of drinks last night and had a read through part of your diary.

You have a way with words that I could only dream of but most important is the way you embrace recovery.

I read of people relapsing and I wish they could even look at a small part of your diary and on how to embrace everything.

We are all learning everyday and I wish to thank you for your inspiration.

Enjoy your weekend. Work and all.

Best wishes

Morning diary.

Well the relentless schedule continues, I topped eighty hours at the stove last week not to mention the paperwork that comes home every day. I am loving it, can't stop smiling at the progression.

The day before yesterday I had a stock take, the result was horrifying, the answer?

I sat up into the small hours taking it apart, I actually used my obsession with numbers to source the reasons.

I am like a dog with a bone, I found pretty much every single missing penny and yesterday sat for two hours with the owners and discussed the findings.

I think that they were shocked, firstly at the findings and most importantly the fact that I had taken the effort to find them.

Today is day three of my first true stock period, I will account for every single penny spent and monitor my P and I account.

The truth is I have learnt this in my private life, I can see where the money goes and obsess if I can't account for a pound.

All through my gambling life I simply couldn't face any accounts because they constantly held a dark deep secret, for twenty years I robbed Peter to pay Paul and gambled the rest and some.

I have a jaundiced view of money today, it alone doesn't motivate me, it is a means to function.

What I want today is to achieve the best in all I do

I manage to share time with Sarah and the kids, I have religiously walked those hounds morning and night, lol at times recently when it has been raining stair rods lol.

Addiction still features, it is boxed in my mind, it wants some me time, it harbours on about the fact that I don't love it anymore.

Oh how the tables have turned, addiction doesn't know what love is, it doesn't know the joy I feel when I snuggle up to my beautiful wife, the unbridled excitement I feel when I see my beloved hounds waiting by the door when I return from work, the pride I feel that our children are today living life, unaffected by the selfish actions their father pursued for a great proportion of their lives.

Addiction talks of the void in my life!

f**k addiction created the void, took and left the empty feeling, never listened, never cared about anything but how to get fed.

I want to live within the fact that I am an addict,I won't hide that fact,I am not ashamed of the fact.

The shame would arrive the minute I listened to my addiction and the same old tripe and bu#lls#hit it brings.

Today I am reminded how very fortunate I am

No punt at any odds is worthy of me risking what I would stake.

Today I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Love your posts Duncs, and love your renewed way of looking at life, always an inspiration for me

Thank you for being you.

Suzanne xxx

Some really inspiration stuff in this diary. It's taking me ages to get through it but good reading. Keep up the good work.

Good morning diary.

Suzanne always great to have your best wishes, I often think of you when I wander with the hounds, on a clear morning I can see the island you lived upon, I hope one day you will get to share that.

Change, I have given this diary a true account of how much recovery means to me, I relive my own gambling life through it as therapy and to concrete the knowledge that it is simply unacceptable to gamble a single penny in the rest of my life, recovery has enlightened every aspect of life and most importantly the lives of my amazing family.

So diary today I am 41, bless our lily woke me up trying to get me to open gifts before she set off to university, I quelled her excitement lol until tonight, I have work, a busy day ahead, a full restaurant of bookings tonight, so after work lily is going to pick me up and I will get a gift money can't buy, a chance to enjoy my families company.

The truth is I don't really know how to celebrate a birthday, it doesn't really hold a great deal of meaning, I am looking forward to the quiet celebration I will have on the 31st of this month, one which has significant meaning, one that I can see grow, that will be two continuous years abstinence, so today is business as usual then a chance to spend a few hours with those I hold dear.

Right off to wander with my little friends, it's a glorious morning out there one that I will enjoy to it's potential.

I am honoured to be in such amazing company both in my 3d life and here on this wonderful forum.

Living in harmony with the addiction that lives within me i know takes effort, determination and belief

I am all in,the result is a life full of living

It's on offer, just believe in it, give it all you have

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Duncs,

Enjoy your walk on the hill lol, (give Hayling a wave from me lol)

Have a great day, you truly deserve too.:)))

Suzanne xxx

Have a great birthday Duncs.

Yours is the path many of us wish to walk and we are following you to that place where we are content with who we are and what we have been. Salvation lies within.

Happy Birthday friend

Dan

Good morning,

Hope you have a fab birthday

Best wishes

Hey Duncs,

What do i hear? BIRTHDAY!!!!

Happy birthday to you dear friend, celebrate with your heart and soul alongside your loved ones on this great day ☺

Good to see you in high spirits and never ending wisdom you so openly share with us all..thank you

Sandra x

Evening diary.

Today I worked hard, we wereexceptionally busy, a wonderful gift for my birthday.

I came home to be showered with presents from my kids and our lily had baked an amazing cake

No 41 candles lol so no fire brigade needed! !!!!!!!

Tonight I am simply very content

Thanks so much for all your kind words

They gift my resolve no end

Duncs stepping forward never back

duncanmac wrote:

Evening diary.

Today I worked hard, we wereexceptionally busy, a wonderful gift for my birthday.

I came home to be showered with presents from my kids and our lily had baked an amazing cake

No 41 candles lol so no fire brigade needed! !!!!!!!

Tonight I am simply very content

Thanks so much for all your kind words

They gift my resolve no end

Duncs stepping forward never back

Happy birthday Duncs

Keep inspiring all with your shares

thanks from this soldier

Morning diary.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, I was lost for words.

So another busy week ended and a new one began, I am making the necessary changes to ensure that I am enjoying life, without doubt the balance of home /work life got tilted to work life, I have addressed it by utilising the mornings, they are again my own.

The quest for more staff is slowly progressing leaving no option but seven day weeks for the time being.

The new menu has been well received, sales are up and by and large feedback has been positive.

I feel good, like I am achieving all the goals set.

Sarah has as always been unbelievable with her support, care and tolerance of the brutal schedule I am keeping.

The hounds are an equalling shining light, the huge joy they bring.

Our children are all busy building their lives, for filling their dreams and not living a shared nightmare created by their father.

Gambling shackled so much of my life, because in truth I willingly fed it.

Today I resist addictions call, it knocks the locked door, it protests that it could be a part of my life.

Gambling addiction is part of my life, it will be for life, I will never forget what it did, I will never underestimate it's power.

One today I hold in check,I make a choice, I embrace recovery.

I have a choice

Just for today

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan,

Delighted to find you well. You continue to inspire so many people on here and do so with the humility that only the wise seem to carry.

Congratulations and best wishes for the new venture.

I thank you again for showing me a different way and best wishes to you and your family.

With the greatest of respect, John.

Morning diary.

John your words humble me, I am so pleased that you are still making the best choice for you and yours.

Yesterday I read a truly inspiring post, Dan day@atime thanks for sharing, I truly get the point you made.

The things I have done in my life have shaped the way I react,the way for many years fear and the feeling of unworthiness led addiction to progressively control my behaviour.

Oddly the the thoughts of suicide brought constant comfort, why??

Because all through my adult life until I found recovery I had gone from one disastrous episode to the next, not learning a bolt along the way, gambling was escapism in it's purest form, it gave me a place to run and hide.

The sh#it always remained, whether I won or lost the things that sent me running to the arms of addiction remained.

I couldn't see a way to change, addiction encouraged the same patterns of behaviour, with that the thoughts of suicide grew

An act I would hold control over, a choice made by me for me, truthfully I was so deluded, what is the outcome of suicide?

You will never know, nobody has lived to tell the story. I know how much pain I would have left,questions that would have gone unanswered. All for me to remain selfish, all because I was afraid to live.

Today I see that, today I will not run, today I believe that there is a solution to any found problem, there is no solutions to be found for me in a bookies.

Just a barrel full of lies and a bucket full of problems.

For twenty years I refused to believe that my life would be positive, that good would prevail, I believed that I didn't deserve to feel happy, to have that in my life was just not for me.

I sought destruction to rid the self gifted pain.

Today I seek inner peace, to truly feel that I am worthy of living.

Yes life throws shi#it our way from time to time, my choice will be to bucket mine up to feed the roses.

I refuse to run, it was futile.

Today another work day, off the back of a long day yesterday, I have enjoyed a lay in, we treated ourselves to getting the winter duvet from the loft

It's toasty! !!!!

The hounds are circling lol,we shall wander first, then the stove beckons, lamb saddles to stuff,pork loins to bone for tomorrow's lunch service and today will no doubt bring a wave of customers.

My desire to ensure that they leave for filled.

Made possible by living by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.