Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

I have neglected you my friend, you are still a very important part of my life, you have been a constant source of information, education and a place that provides me therapy.

I have logged on most days, I have failed to type any words, I am still working the relentless schedule, I nearly let it get the better of me last week, my body and mind went to the wall, I felt out of my own control, from experience I know it's not a place to be, it easily leads to any positive thoughts being over ridden by anger and that leads to self loathing and addiction comes with open arms and a promise of sanctuary.

Well boll#o#ck#s to that

I talked it through, I expressed my feelings, I retained control and simply rode the storm.

Sleep, proper dinners eaten at whatever time I could and the true love fed my belief in myself.

So today I have an evening off,lol I am cooking supper for my family,Ma and ed have been in pompey for a week stopping in their caravan, I have seen them in passing and we treated them to lunch on Sunday which they got to enjoy with Sarah and our joe,myself and callum the other side of the kitchen door working hard.

My life is expressed through what I cook, tonight it's Dover sole for us to enjoy, a rare very expensive treat I have squirreled away in the freezer.

Tomorrow I will start later, tomorrow night my family will come to enjoy my cooking again, my ma's last night in pompey.

For me a pleasure, a gift to be able to do so, to bring joy the best way I know how, one today for the first time in my professional career that is completely unhindered by addiction

Addiction still rides with me, but doesn't get to dine on my efforts, it gets to see why it won't be fed today.

'Gambling is a total waste of time '

A fella wrote that here a while ago, it caused a stir, folk took it personally, funny we are delicate souls at times, the hard done by card quickly drawn.

The truth hurts doesn't it, because for a compulsive gambler those words are cast in stone.

Gambling creates waste in many forms.

Whilst hurting I understand today that equally the truth heals.

Right a quick cuddle with the woman I hold so dear,hounds to walk, a half days hard graft and then an evening embracing the rewards of my effort.

I have made a life choice

One that never stops providing opportunity

Please take yours, don't keep falling off that high horse, for twenty years I repeatedly did the same.

Today I see it in black and white.

All because I live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good morning Duncan.

Your posts fill me with renewed determination. Have you ever considered becoming a writer?

Congratulations on your continued abstaining and thank you for your wise words.

Best wishes

Wow Duncs,

You are soo near the 2 year mark now, I make it 4 days lol,

Your strength, wisdom and determination continues to stand out in full on your posts, understand you logging on and not posting, I had similar feelings last week, logged on but could not bring myself to say anything, for some reason, (which is not like me lol)

That is the beauty of our diaries, we can write when we want to,

Keep strong, and take it a bit easy at work ( if you can lol)

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary

Thanks for all the kind words of support, balvaird fella every day I express myself through my job, I give everything to every plate of food I serve, I believe that the act speaks far louder than words.

I have an unblinkered vision today, there's no underlying hammer knocking away from within, addiction doesn't distract my focus I have learnt to live as a recovering addict,I let addiction join me for the ride.

From this today I believe that I am cooking the best food I ever have, I seek to push the boundaries, to bring nothing but joy in my own way.

I had a night off,I let go for a few hours, I cooked for those I love, Dover sole, leek t**t tatin,king prawns and strudel for dessert.

We climbed into bed content, Sarah told me it was exquisite, lol I agreed.

Today I am going in late, we enjoyed each other's company this morning, paid the bills, Sarah shopped and we will have lunch before I leave for work.

I earnt the right to do this, I have stopped believing that I am not worthy, I have learnt that actually what I have is enough, something addiction taunted the fact of, twisted into disbelief for all my active life.

I know that I tread a fine line, I also know that I am prepared to stand up and fight for the life I have today.

Addiction came from within my own mind, it will remain a part of life, my life for eternity, today I know that I cannot cure it,the truth is you don't need to cure it,you need to understand why you run into it's arms with ease.

Recovery for me is inspiring, it granted my life opportunity

I today want that more than I do a punt.

Addiction wants the opposite it always will.

The consequences of feeding it would only have a negative impact on my life, in fact today I know feeding addiction would result in me stealing life from myself.

Today I grow in strength, I have a relentless drive and determination to keep hold of my own mind.

The gifts are there, I will keep unwrapping them.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s Suzanne two years continued abstinence indeed dawns but it will count for zip if not maintained.

As Balvaird said.....there's a real pleasure in reading your posts....the subject matter is obviously close to our hearts but the way it's presented is almost poetic and ultimately it continues to give hope to those of us much earlier into our recovery journey.

Evening diary

Well it's two years ago today I hit the self destruct button for the last time, I sought to find a solution to a temporary financial problem by seeking gambling to provide a solution.

The outcome was a bigger temporary problem to the financial plight I believed I was in.

The truth is there has always been an answer to any problems I have found myself facing and running into the waiting arms of addiction has simply gifted my mind the opportunity to escape.

Escapism was the sole reason I fed addiction, the outcome of any gambling episode was the same, I would gamble every available penny in the futile quest to prolong the escape from the world.

Today gambling, the active act of providing an escape simply isn't the most important thing in my life.

Today I simply seek to live, I accept I cannot control all of the events that will effect what life will bring but and it's a massive but today I live with the growing knowledge that I can effect the outcome by making an educated choice.

Abstinence offers a potentially greater opportunity and I will continue to gamble all I have to stake on that.

Abstinence is a winner, it provides my life with a constant wealth of opportunity, honesty and inspiration to become a better person.

Through gifting my life I have a better understanding of the man I am and the way the world views my existence.

Abstinence is a choice for life, the rewards don't come in numbers, I am not in competition, I am simply living life a day at a time.

The rewards are astonishing, the gift that never stops giving.

I honestly don't know what today will bring, but regardless I know that by making a choice I will be able to face it square on, addiction will not distort what lays ahead.

My name is Duncan mcquilken i am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

2 calendar years gamble free

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Something amazing Duncs! Very pleased for you & well done ☺
Meeting you brought much understanding and forgiveness for me.....and that was just me...how many more ppl you inspire on the way?

No more words, except - THANK YOU FOR SHARING

keep making the right choice dear friend

S x

Duncan

​ Congratulations on 2 years gamble free my friend. It's no coincidence that those who put the most into their recoveries reap the greatest rewards. Dan

​

I have followed your diary for 18 months now my friend, am so very proud of you for reaching this amazing milestone

2 years of abstaining and maintaining,

A massive well done Duncs

Suzanne xxx

Evening diary

My old friend I have been here a while now, the reason ?

Simple it works, commitment to an ongoing life in recovery works, writing here works

I carry a wallet it contains what is important to my life

No cash unnecessary, no credit cards, no bank card

A photo of my wife, our three wonderful kids and a poem, given by my ma.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you;

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can want but not be tired of waiting

Or be lied about and not deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look to good, nor talk too wise.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master.

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.

If you can meet with triumph and disaster,

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you've gave your life to, broken,

And stoop down and build them up with worn out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch and toss,

And lose, and start at your beginnings and never mention a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they have gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the will which says to them; "hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and hold your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can doubt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute,

With sixty seconds; worth of distant run.

Yours is the earth and all that's in it,

And what's more you'll be a man my son! !

That is simply the life I want to live, Mr r.kipling

I salute every word.

Today it granted my self respect.

Something feeding addiction steals from my existence.

Today I made a choice to offer opportunity to grow tomorrow

I am all in, recovery is a gift

Please take all it offers

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Great words and great quote duncs pleased your in such a good place I salute you have a great week 🙂

The bear

Very inspiring and awesome deep post Duncs, another post from the heart that I continue to aspire to.

Suzanne xxx

Dear duncan.
I know from reading your diary that you see 'today' as the all important day in recovery but even so, 2 calendars of total abstinence is something to be proud of, the changes in your life are something to treasure and what you give to others on here is something to be applauded.
You continue to inspire so many people.
You are in my book an example of The greatest kind of leader, the humble man who leads from a position of equality.

Massive well done Duncan. Your influence will never be forgotten. Best wishes to you and yours, John.

Morning diary.

John I believe truly that to remain in recovery you have to give it away.

I am not a leader, I stand side by side with anyone who seeks to recover from the damage waged by their feeding addiction.

At work I have to lead, I am in charge of the outcome of every dish that leaves the pass, I have learnt to entrust others to deliver something they would want to devour themselves, to own each dish,to think about how it could be improved.

We talk, we share ideas, I know without the right team behind me, service would falter, the weakness of the kitchen would be to stop listening.

I am like a sponge I want to soak it all up, I am desperate to better the outcome of everything.

Today it's unhindered, I can get on with business, I can commit fully to the task at hand.

Recovery brought that opportunity, recovery gifted me to respect everything at every level.

I truly believe in recovery, my desire is to share my experience of it with anyone who cares to listen.

I refuse to judge anyone else for their shortcomings, because I still live in a house with a glass roof

I know what happens if I throw stones.

This morning I have tidied the garage, sorted through my clothes draws, culling the unwanted items, I will post them in the charity bin on route to work.

The hounds have been walked, the house work done

Tomorrow I will enjoy a whole day off, the first since I started my job in august, I plan on using every minute to gift myself the pure joys that life offers.

I won't be waging what I have, simply those odds are not going to ever be worth staking what I stand to lose.

Addiction can ride shotgun, which is where I want it, so I am fully aware of its plight.

Today I live within a decision

One with a profound outcome

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the post on my diary Duncs, and congratulations on two years of living the life you and your family deserve. If, is one of my favourite poems, I had not read it in a while so its refreshing to read it in your post. Keep up the good work mate and I have no doubt you will be abstaining and maintaining for many more years.