Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hope this finds you well dear Duncs, look after yourself!

You matter ☺

Stay safe and sound

S x

Dunc's,

Ive been thinking about my hulk of a gamcare bud of late. ( as well a million other things I hasten to add )

You have without question come a hell of along way since you came as a broken man.

But, maybe unfounded I'm concerned for you. I've stalked these diarys in my inactivity to posting but I've still been reading. I think it's part of the process but you've gone hung ho in work, supporting others, making amends with family etc.

But hai, you need to remember it is about balance as you said in your last post. You need to look after you, even the tackling your teeth which is also a fear of mine.

We both got entrapped in this S***e so much. It's neither an over night fix or even any time line can be put on it. Scary thought hai, but it's not. It's about keeping things simple .

Your not designed to be a tortoise but find ways of getting the balance We're not designed to work a 10hr, truthfully we're not designed to work at all. Life surely is about play, just like your 2 hounds do when they wake up.

This is maybe the place we're both at now, more self discovery needed.

Mauve just maybe I'm well of mark.... but as always best intentioned intended especially with this towering hulk.

Strength and honor.

Paul

Good morning diary.

Paul fella thanks for popping by, my dear friend you are spot on I am reevaluating my own recovery, well my life is having an overhaul, why??

Simply because the effort I have given life affords me the opportunity to do so.

I had a good talk with one of the owners yesterday, he is in complete agreement that going forward I need to address my work /life balance, to do so I am trialing a new cook on Wednesday and Thursday this coming week, another possible piece of the jigsaw, another brick in the wall so to speak.

So Sarah has now full on got the bug I suffered, bless her she is not a very good patient! Lol she suffers loudly lol so today I will be leaving our joe in charge of nursing duties as work beckons.

I have written before that Sunday is my favourite day to cook,I love to nurse the elements of lunch together, it's a jigsaw of its own, wwithout putting the beef in first there's no dripping for the Yorkshire pud and without blanching some of the vegetables I would miss some of the flavours I desire to have in our gravy, the end result is for me simple, you are rewarded for the effort you put in.

Much like life.

So we have scored half a dozen tickets for the fa cup replay on Tuesday night so we can all get to watch our beloved pompey,something that I don't do enough but without doubt plan on addressing over the coming weeks. to boot I am signing up for the village cricket team where I work, the owner I spoke to yesterday is the skipper and loves the game too so midweek through the summer I look forward to stretching the old legs a bit and the village pitch is a fine track with some awesome views, if nothing else I can be assured that the tea will be top draw as we provide it through work lol.

Over the next few days I plan to book a break for Sarah and myself for may, somewhere in this country because we want to take the hounds with us as they bring us so much joy,maybe the west country because it would appear that the beaches are very dog friendly, equally I know that I will be able to source some amazing local produce for us to enjoy.

So this year I will find a better balance, I will continue to learn how to become more measured.

Simply because I am worthy of a life of my own making.

All through a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Planning a break and then looking forward to it, is good medicine, and so well deserved Duncs.

Hope your Sarah gets well quickly.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Morning Dunc

A good gravy takes time to perfect the little touches make all the difference a bit like life and recovery it so much better with a bit of extra effort even if that does mean watching Pompey

I to can't wait for the cricket season all though it seems along way away with all this snow we have, I'm not a player anymore just love to get out have a few beers and enjoy the great game. I've even had a few bets over the years with rival fans but not this year.

KTF

Morning diary.

Thanks for your kind words of support they mean a great deal.

So Sunday lunch was super busy again and we received much applaud for our efforts.

Monday was spent rebuilding stock and deep cleaning which I find wholly refreshing.

Yesterday was a day off, lol the morning spent re writing the menu,the afternoon cleaning out the garage as a mouse had made themselves a monster nest and it has been the cause of the hounds getting very vocal every time they go out into the back garden.

So we found it, cleared it away and said mouse made a run for it,funnily to a garage a few doors down from ours!

And last night I went to the football, pompey moved to the next round, in truth the opposition were terrible, I think they might have had a single shot on target and that resulted in their goal.

Still boy and man I have always loved the park, the community spirit is fantastic and to have seats right at the top of the fratton end is marvellous.

So back to work this morning, I am pleased to report Sarah is returning today after five straight days in bed with the flu.

Management meeting tonight, I am going to cook off some of my proposed dishes for the owners to sample, lol the proof as they say is found in the eating!!!

After football we found ours in the form of the van parked upon the hi#ll, I really cannot recommend it enough, in my humble opinion it's the number 1 place to eat in Portsmouth, the home of the dirty burger.

Keep thinking every time we go there that my friend odaat will be there!!!

Right hounds to walk.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs....

Random thought Alert......

A cg and there partner going through recovery together = A formidable pairing......

From a fellow S****e footie team supporter

Morning diary.

I have read some really interesting threads this morning regarding recovery and I will write my thoughts.

Whilst actively feeding addiction my mind warped into a double edged sword, I wanted whatever anyone else had yet wanted to see everyone else fail and to boot I wanted everything without making any effort, my mind just twisted every circumstance to entrench my ever growing bitterness towards life, yet on the rare occasion I actually took winnings and lavished them on myself and my family I was left feeling empty, the trophies of my spoils had no value.

Rather than address what it is in life I actually did want I committed wholly to the 'go big or go home' attitude and couple that with the compulsive gamblers life mantra 'I cannot win because I cannot stop' and the result a downward spiral in the ability to function because a devastated financial situation and a self esteem that could not get lower.

For the last year or so of my active gambling life I ceased to exist, I was self destructing, I actually lived in the hope that it would all just end. I was to arrogant to seek help, I just sought the easiest option.

To cast another lie, to cease trying because I stopped caring.

Holes in shoes,disheveled beyond belief, yet every penny was committed to the act of gambling and the double edged sword I raised the stakes to the limit, not to win bigger but to end that episode of gambling.

Gambling broke me,I wantenly fed it because I sought escape.

I had two choices, admit wholly to my inability to function or suicide.

The truth is I set out on the 21st of January 2012 to end my life, my own value of my life was nothing,I saw the act as a gift to my family.

I rode an old beat up push bike nearly 50 miles why?

To distance myself, more likely to run, I had been actively running the wrong way for twenty years and more.

I got to where I was going to end my life.

That fella on the clifftop stood in my way, I busied myself and oh f**k what does he want, why the f**k is he coming my way!

That faceless man saved my life, the few words stopped my actions, I broke.

I rode home, half of it with a puncture, I had to say that I was truly sorry.

Because I was for the first time in my adult life truly sorry for what I had become, for the terrible acts I had committed to my family, friends, bosses anyone who stood in my wake.

For the first time in my life I genuinely asked for help, because I couldn't live with the life I had created.

The day after I walked into the room of GA

That room and those fellas in it gave me the opportunity to build a life worth living.

My advice is simple.

Stop questioning?

Stop finding fault.

Embrace your own life, learn from your shortcomings and faults and enhance the strength you have.

Four years ago tomorrow I found this forum, I didn't even have an email address, I had spent less than an hour of my life on a computer before I sought recovery.

The journey from that day lays on the four thousand or so entries here.

I carried great shame for twenty years, today I know that shame would return if I failed to respect the addiction I will carry for my entire life.

Four years ago I began a fight, addiction has in that time got one punch on target, that day I learnt a lesson I will never forget.

Recovery awaited, it's opportunities boundless, it's reward

LIFE.

I am all in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

To the honourable Smiler,the fella who welcomed me to the recovery diaries, fella I understand the meaning of your words

'Be kind to yourself '

Thank you one and all.

Lastly, to my best friend, my amazing wife,I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow, unconditionally. X

Every man dies. But not every man lives!

Now Dunc's, I bet you thought this man didn't listen☺ In a fashion you may have been right but it was slowly seeping in.

Good post and good reminder, does need to come out in black and white every now and then..as a nice reminder that rock bottom isn't the worse place to be, but more of a spring board

Morning Dunc's and another pearl of wisdom hit's the forum .

I'm not used to being at a place in my life where I'm genuinely pleased to be , thats not happened for many years until I found recovery.

Although in terms of day's Im still a beginner at all this I'm content and genuinly have no thought's or wishes to gamble again , youv'e nailed it again and I do need to stop questioning why am I so happy and why do I not find recovery so difficult , I need to accept happiness , in the same way as I accept that I can never gamble again !

Cheers Dunc's and Best wishes !

Alan

Duncs, I often think of you up on that cliff top, bike wheel spinning in the background & marvel @ your guardian Angel who came out to you that day...

I am grateful that from that encounter 'grew' a man that was able to sit in peace with 2 vulnerable girls & his beloved hounds out on your hilltop & wonder how many other men & women owe 'him' their lives!

Duncan Mc, I am indebted to your openess & honesty & I will be back there one day very soon to honour our agreement - assuming that is Sarah's establishment of choice of course 🙂

Evening diary.

Thanks so much for all your kind words, by the time I have written this post I would have been four years to the day I have been here and in recovery, I recognise the day in my recovery when I all to easily gave my life back to addiction.

Yes that day hurt,but I take the huge lesson I learnt that day because from that day I believe I only truly sought recovery for myself.

That sounds and reads like a selfish statement, because the truth is it is. If I don't look out for number one then I cannot look out for anyone else.

Recovery is the one selfish act I will allow myself because it works, believe in you, follow your convictions, give wholly to the act of recovery and you will become true.

I owe a great deal of thanks to too many folk to mention for where I am today and I will say this sometimes it will feel like you are wholly misunderstood, that recovery is a futile act,that it would be easier to just cave in and feed addiction, because that's what folk expect.

But and for me that's the huge but,your actions in life will live with you and you are answerable to what you choose to do, gambling in any form for me is totally unacceptable, because I if active live by a mantra

I Cannot win because I cannot stop

I am simply wired that way

I go big and then go home, if I choose to gamble I will lose,I never set out to lose, I hate that feeling, I know where it leaves you, I walked the walk, own all the t shirts with the loser label, f**k I repeated the same action repeatedly and expected the outcome to change for over twenty years.

Then through gambling myself to a point where I stood to lose everything I risked everything on facing up to the opportunity of taking a new path.

One untrodden, one I never sought, the path of recovery.

I will end I pleading to every compulsive gambler to seek out the path of recovery for themselves, whether that be here, GA,counselling, therapy, meditation, self belief

Do what works for you, from there give it back

Because for me to continue recovery you have to give it away .

Without waging a single penny we really do actually factually win.

Now in black and white that's something to behold.

Recovery is a gift, one only each and every one of us can unwrap, from that equally those we directly effect through our actions are gifted recovery too.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Well I'm off to bed no more reading required tonight I will sleep well knowing I can follow your lead.

KTF

Even if i cried 5 days in a row, a little extra tear for you my dear friend is the best thing i could of have.

Thank you for sharing..i love the way you pass the message on, olease keep sharing.

Strength and honour dear Duncs

Sleep well

S x

Lovely inspiring last two posts Duncs,

Suzanne xxx