Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Dear diary
Home from what turned into a sixteen hour working day, days like today I simply can't put a price upon, only one complaint, a fella said his fillet of sea trout was not sea trout, because it didn't look like the trout he has previously eaten, only to apologize after eating it as he had realised previously he has only ever eaten rainbow trout and what he had today was delicious.
So over two hundred memorable meals served.
I am delighted with that and with the effort given by all the kitchen staff.
I lead by example, first in last out the door today.
I without doubt earned my wages today and I hope further respect from the owners.
That will do for me.
Inspired.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Labouring for the next few days, which will enable me to have some quality time in the evenings with my soulmate, my beloved beautiful wife who means more than the odds of any punt available.

Morning diary
Planned week changed, one of the chefs is leaving and needs a couple of days to sort his affairs out so today I am off to cook for the day and tomorrow I will cook the lunch service, the result is it will give me a days rest on Saturday which will be a joy, Sarah and I can enjoy a day together.
The fella I labour for is quite flexible and yesterday we put in a long shift to cover.
So all in all the new plan for the week is even better.
I will have to deal with the fact that the chef is leaving and seek a replacement which I will speak with the owners about this week,I will not return to the brutal schedule of cooking seven days a week because it has such a detrimental effect on my wellbeing.
The desire to people please and put others before myself is something that I have repeated far to many times in my life and am learning when I should actually say no.
Equally I will never put all my eggs in one basket again because I lose control of having a choice.
I take great value in putting my own wellbeing into the mix.
I am no longer mentally punishing myself for the events of my life, I accept that I can't change the past but look forward to changing the future.
I know and accept that addiction lays dormant,I know it will try at times to make itself present
I will be ever prepared for that.
Just for today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

The way in which you have taken stock of your life (excuse the delicious pun) is truly remarkable and just goes to show how, with determination and hard work, a person can turn their life around.

I would love for my family to turn up to your restaurant one day try one of you famous roasts - if you would have us!

Best wishes,

Mark

Morning diary
Markman fella any time you are anywhere near Portsmouth on a Sunday give me a shout and I will gladly treat you and your family to lunch.
Well my friend I finished late and am on my way back but I should be finished early afternoon and have an evening planned with our boys.
In the mean time I will get to work and have a saucepan of coffee lol.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncan,

That is both a humbling and mouthwatering invitation. I would be honoured to take you up on that one day!

Before gambling took hold my family would drive down to Hampshire a couple of times a year and now that I have control of my addiction I hope that the usual order will soon resume.

I hope you have another rewarding day!

Best wishes,

Mark

Evening diary.
I am a bit frustrated, I have had 750 posts edited from my diary.
Is this acceptable??
For me to not be informed that my thread is going to be dramatically edited is poor, for me if a person wants to remove their own thread that's fine but surely when a post is left on another thread it becomes part of that thread.
Now there are posts that simply don't make sense because the constant link is broken.
Most importantly there was words written that could have helped another person looking for help.
So are the words we write for me are given and can't be taken back.
Good or bad surely once they are written they should remain.
In truth I am deeply disappointed with these actions.
Because they don't take into account the owner of each thread.
Because I feel this is an action without respect.
Duncs.

Odd, I see a few (...Edited by GamCare...) comments in your posts. Were you informed by GamCare? Do you know why they were edited? Can you guess?

That's awful, duncanmac, and utterly disrespectful.

But don't let this get to you.

I made the error of letting something like this get to me in the past and this remains the reason why I don't post very often now. Which is a shame as I feel that this site still has a lot to offer for me as a long-time problem gambler.

Focus on you which, by the sound of your last post, you are.

Best wishes,

NT

Fella's sorry when I wrote that posts have been edited I mean that over 750 whole posts by another author have been entirely deleted.
When they were written I believe that they were given to me and frankly to have them taken back without explanation has left me frustrated.
I will not let it affect my determination nt, but I believe I am better writing it than burying it in my mind.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs

I couldn’t agree more & feel your pain man, I really do 🙁

Afternoon diary.
Thanks for popping by Kelly, I simply had to put my frustration out there, I accept that the forum has a set of rules and am happy I have not buried the thoughts I had over my thread being so heavily edited.
Today I had a meeting with the fella I labour for to sort out our upcoming schedule which gets busier by the week and planned ahead for the next few weeks as best we can, then I had coffee with a dear friend, their mum is terminally ill and they are struggling a lot emotionally and for me are hiding it,burying it away which I know can have a devastating effect further down the road.
I am home now and walking the hounds across the top of the h#ll.
I have taken a break to enjoy the view and rest up a while.
I am physically tired and will address this over the coming days.
I know why I am busying myself this week, horse racing is something that is deeply engrained in my mind,from a very young age I spent a great deal of time around bookmakers and live racing,I learnt about form and how to read a racecard, and this week every year as a child was a huge deal in my house,my father lived for those weeks, a chance to use the knowledge a lifetime of gambling on horses gave him.
I had that passed on.
That alone as a form of gambling never presented problems, but the lure of the electrical machine in every bookies did, I never backed a horse race without standing feeding an electronic machine.
Addiction presents itself on weeks like this,go on study the form,use that knowledge it cries.
I know what the outcome will be, I will open the box, I have absolutely no self control once that box is open.
I know and accept that as fact.
I know I have a choice.
It took a great deal of time, more than 25 years of making the wrong choice to get to where I am today.
I believe everything happens for a reason, the fact that I am enjoying some time off twins with a huge race meeting is part of the journey.
Addiction can present itself, as I wrote I am standing to face it.
Addiction was a cycle, I have it broken and intend to keep it that way.
Simply because today I want to care for myself.
Something that is a recent undertaking, something for the greater part of my life I believed unworthy of.
I understand myself through this a great deal better.
Today I had a choice
Just for today it's enough.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I too used to look forward to Cheltenham and have the Racing Post open studying the ground the weights, which way around tracks they would run, jockeys and field sizes and then getting a winner you would think you was Mastermind because you had figured out the puzzle, you was the form expert. This year I never watched a race for the first time well since I can remember watching horse racing. It's all related, just a small bet on a horse, a quick go on the machine, a scratchcard with lunch and before you know it your involved again, I remember one of your early posts as not seeing money for what it is and just gambling tokens and have always remembered that, as once your involved money transforms itself into your very own crypto currency. Take it easy Dunc.

Afternoon diary.
Smashed thanks for your thoughts I have without doubt seen the value of my hard earned for itself for the first time in my entire adult life.
My relationship with money today grows healthier week on week.
I am learning to be wiser with what we have, I don't have the urge to spend what we have as soon as it hits the bank any longer I am learning that actually money does appear to bring more if it's left unspent.
What I mean is all the times in my life I believed that I didn't have enough money to fund life I actually most certainly did.
And today I am ever gaining the ability to have choices, to be in this position is inspirational.
life today is full of new experiences, I can't believe how much I continue to enjoy belonging to a gym, the facilities are great and along side this as a result we as a family are eating, sleeping and enjoying life as a whole.
Sarah and Lily attend three or four classes a week and me and the boys get there at least four days a week so at a cost of around two pounds a visit it's working out as a superb investment.
Today I am off, cooking up a roast and have had a huge clean up, a spring clean!!! I love to have a super clean environment to live in, it's equally great to have less clutter laying around.
Back to the stove tomorrow, well that is if we aren't struck by this weather front.
Hopefully not!!!!
I like the fact that the mornings grow lighter earlier and the evenings to boot.
Cheltenham has passed without incident, that is something that I am proud of, addiction again sulks.
It can stay sulking.
Today I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
Been labouring today and back to the stove tomorrow, our Joe turns 24years old tomorrow which makes me feel old lol, we have treated him to an annual unlimited pass to the cinema for his birthday, something we know he will get a great deal of use out of as he is the only one of us who regularly goes to the cinema.
I heard on the news today the recommendations of the gambling commission with regards to regulating the fobt, for me there's no surprise in what they concluded and the fact that the stock market prices rose on the bookmakers.
I have written many times that until the government and the industry regard the compulsion to gamble as an addiction rather than a problem I believe they will never take the issue seriously and between the two just look after each other.
I equally believe until the day more folk are open and upfront about their own addiction the industry will always have the upper hand.
Gambling addiction is a silent killer, it carries a stigma,sadly for me there's people I have met that are more ashamed that folk may discover their addiction than they are ashamed of what addiction actually does to them and the folk around them.
So there is work from both sides of the fence to be done for me.
Regulation won't help compulsive gamblers, how can it
We live by a mantra
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP
What is needed is education.
To educate the next generation that gambling is not just what is portrayed by the industry.
Because until that happens we are expendable, we generate profit for the industry and funds for the treasury
I will happily tell anyone who will listen what effect addiction has had on my life, I would do so in the hope that another family won't suffer in the way my own has.
Just for today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler
No bet today
Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary
Another busy week of work, one which has been tough so far and three days work to go, I really have been struggling with my joints, hands,elbows,shoulder's and knee give me constant pain for a few hours when I wake up and when I get home and relax the pain returns, to the point were I went to the doctors earlier in the week, they suspect arthritis but this morning on my way to work I have to go for some blood tests to make sure I don't have something else. After discussing my work life with my gp they summarised by saying I have worn my joints out.
I have a very high pain threshold so will just get on with things.
I will not be detered, I have a life today that is of my own making, its not destructed by my actions, addiction doesn't rule the roost.
Yes it's present and presents itself often but I have finally began to taste what life is without feeding it.
Today I have made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.