Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

Your posts as always are gritty, true and completely written from the heart

HOWEVER

Please take care of you as well. Pain is the body's way of saying something isnt right.

Best wishes

Evening diary
Bal fella thanks for popping by, my friend if you rolled the clock back a few years I wouldn't have visited the doctors, I simply wouldn't have cared.
Today however I truly do.
I have fed myself well over the past couple of days and rested when I can and will continue to do so, if I have arthritis then I will learn to live with it, I have read a fare bit about it over the past couple of days and there are things I can do for myself and ways I can live with it.
So I had a productive day and look forward to working again tomorrow.
I am reading a fascinating biography written by a fella called James Rhodes called instru mental, I picked it up in a charity shop and am glad I bought it, it's harrowing but equally enlightening.
So all in all I am humbled by the position I find myself in.
I know what I have to do to maintain it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
I believe that today my actions speak louder than my words, throughout my gambling life I was full of talk, today I am concentrating on walking the walk.
If I say I am going to do something I do so, equally I am learning when best to say nothing.
It's precious, it's something to behold and without doubt something to be deeply proud of.
I was up with the larks, sorted supper out for my beloved family for this evening when we can all sit together and enjoy each others company.
I wandered with my beloved hounds for an hour and I am now set for a days graft, should be home early evening.
I want this life, I am deeply humbled by the opportunity I have been given to live it.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler.
Today I made a Choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary.
A restless night why??
I am a mechanical man in a digital world!! Lol
Note to self, buy a manual alarm clock, I went to bed not believing my phone would grant itself the ability to move the clock forward automatically and being that is how I wake up I laid inwardly panicking that I would oversleep!!!
Sarah has reminded me that I did the same last year and the year before lol and I still own the same phone hand set!!!
I just don't do technology, I still struggle with the things I cannot control.
I will enjoy the positives, the nights will draw ever lighter, this morning I will make good use of the fact I am awake, an early wander with my beloved hounds, an amazing form of self therapy.
Today I will be finished early at work and off to watch Pompey with my boys
Another reward, another nail straight in addictions eye.
That is inspiration.
Last night we ate like kings, slow roasted lamb and a mountain of vegetables, delicious!!!
And to top it I got to run the hounds when I got home last night as it was the last of the days light, something with the clocks changing will bring further opportunity.
Ones truly worth taking.
All through a Choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Duncan.

Really sorry to hear about those troublesome joints. I hope it is not arthritis and that the doctor can do something to help repair or at least alleviate the discomfort.

I likewise suffered at the hands (pun intended) of the clock going forward. I am a night owl. It is usual for me to be awake in the small hours with nothing but the restless goings on in my mind. I usually live on 5 hours sleep and a 15 minute siesta. Last night was no different. I watched an old episode of Tales of the Unexpected and was then horrified to see that it was 3am. I thought the clocks went forward tonight. I just could not think where the hour went. Mind blown. At least it explains the roaring headache this morning. I suppose on the plus side I get a notional additional hours sleep tonight.

Enjoy the doggies and the football with the boys. I will be rooting for Pompey for you this afternoon.

I remain inspired by your refusal to give in to the urge to gamble. Well done. I have become accustomed to your putting in amazing runs of abstinence but the underlying battle behind is never lost on me.

Best wishes,

Mark

Morning diary
Markman fella it is what it is, I have worn through my joints, years of 15 hour days on my feet, hands from hot to cold all day and top that with a terrible diet, eating at the wrong time of the day often and excessive consumption of alcohol all too often.
I have never looked after my body, I never believed deep down that it was a worthy cause.
Top that with a terrible mental outlook for the greater part of my life, one which until the last time I gambled harboured thoughts of suicide as the long term answer, a way to release the inner pain.
I hid from the world, I wore a mask, pretending to be on top of the world, inwardly I wanted to run, slam as many doors as possible between myself and the world that I didn't understand and one which I never felt comfortable in.
Today life is different.
Why? The world hasn't changed, in fact at times it looks to be harsher than it has ever been.
What's changed is me, I have learnt a great deal about myself and how to face my darkest thoughts.
Physically I will work with what I have,find ways to better look after what I have.
Yesterday I cooked, rebuilt the kitchen stocks after a busy weekend and this week we will prepare for an even busier weekend ahead, I am labouring Thursday as a form of rest, I will then be putting in four long days of graft.
My reward will be to take a couple of days off the following week to enjoy some time with my beautiful wife.
Right time to get up and at em.
First hounds to walk, then the stove calls, my Achilles heal today, a new dessert menu to create for the weekend, pastry has never been my favourite place in a kitchen, I can hold my own but I have never achieved any form of excitement through that section, it's like a production line, no buzz of service, it's all done before hand!!
But I have had to adapt through the years working smaller kitchens and pastry chefs are a luxury not many kitchens afford themselves these days, lol if it were down to me I would give everyone cheese!!! I love cheese!

All this was made possible because I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Up with the larks this morning, Mr blue is still being tormented by the neighbours persistence to lay food on his garage roof which brings a fox to feed every night, so like clockwork around four am he starts to bark and does so until the fox has eaten it's fill.
I had a word with my neighbour in vain as he has never appeared to care for anyone but himself, he is a rather angry fella who has a reputation for being rather unpleasant to folk and has been called out a good few times for making lewd comments. Me I think well I will make the most of it.
I get up, make the lunches for everyone and enjoy a cup of tea and a sneaky biscuit or two, this morning Hovis has joined us, so we sit snuggled up the three of us on the couch covered in a blanket enjoying the sounds of the rain drumming a tune on the conservatory roof.
I will set off to work early, not before popping to the supermarket to cash in on the lamb they appear to want to give away, £3.97 a kilo for lamb shoulder!!! Incredible, I picked up some yesterday and made room for a few more in the freezer, a bounty we will all enjoy in weeks to come.
Yesterday I started the desserts at work and will finish them today, I felt out of sorts yesterday, like something was going to go wrong, so I went on auto pilot and got through the day, came home, ate well and put myself to bed.
The result is today I am like a coiled spring, full of energy and my brain is again multi tasking.
The only issue, my hands are as stiff as a board and I know it's raining because my knees are equally stiff.
So when light comes I will walk the hounds and throw myself at the mercy of what the world will dish up today.
I am ready to face it, I am vigilant that addiction lurked in the shadows yesterday, in the hope it could find a weakness and attack it.my old friend I am one step ahead!!!!
Standing in the eye of the storm I can see your every move.
From your ever growing weakness I take great strength.
Today I will make a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
Well my old friend yesterday turned into a double day, labouring in the morning and a dinner shift at the pub, why?? Because I got played by the lad who is leaving. Did I get angry? No I will just count the money as a bonus next week. I am getting better at dealing with situations that go to the wall, I without doubt function better with a laid out plan, but understand that things happen, events beyond my control are better dealt with than before.
So long day at the stove for me today, tomorrow and Sunday a few days to enjoy doing what I do best.
Then Monday afternoon I will take leave for a few days and enjoy the company of my beloved wife.
Sarah and lily are off out for supper and cocktails tonight, a girls night out with two of their friends.
I hope they have a great night.
They deserve nothing less.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning duncs, I love reading your posts and I'm in awe of your strength and determination. (And cooking skills haha!)
Your post to judy about emotions and making reference to cutting away the dead wood to allow the roses to bloom was lovely to read and struck a chord with me.
Keep up the good work, I'm glad you're going to be enjoying some rest in a few days time.
All good wishes x

Hi, thank you for writing on my diary. I wanted to say that when I first joined yours was one of many that inspired me. You must have felt so low to have contemplated what you did but I’m so glad that you didn’t and each day I hope you get stronger and stronger. You sound a truly nice person and have a lovely way with words. Look forward and never back, hope you have a super Easter x

Afternoon diary
Anon your words humble me deeply.
Well that was a brutal working weekend, over forty hours in three days, very busy and not a single complaint.
In the middle of it I had taken the hounds out Saturday morning for a run and they crashed into each other leaving Mr blue with a nasty g**h to his face, fare play to him he didn't cry, he has let me look after it, I have dressed, cleaned and re dressed it for the past two days and this morning he was back to his normal self, bouncing around and jumped up at the sound of the biscuit tin!!!
Of course he has enjoyed an extra Jamie dodger today. ;)).
So a few days off now, this morning I worked the early and am now sat in the bar at the hotel where we are gym members after having a steam and sauna.
We are all here, going to have a pint or two of the black stuff and watch my beloved Pompey on the TV.
Addiction has receeded again to the duldrums of my mind.
I am happy for it to stay there.
today I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary
Just in from a second days labouring, decided not to have any time off as again the work is on offer so I will take it whilst its there. Emotionally tough couple of days, the skeletons of my life before recovery surfaced and needed addressing which felt like slicing open an old healed over wound, still I will work through the stormy waters and re heal the wounds.
So labouring again tomorrow but a later start, enabling me to take the hounds to have their nails cut which is long overdue.
Looking forward to the football tonight, we are all going to watch it at the gym bar.
The best part of that is I can pay my share of a couple of drinks with a little bonus I received today as a result of my efforts.
I made this possible today because I made a Choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
A good day today, this morning I was up with the larks and walked the hounds then we went to the gym for a couple of hours, I gave my body a full on workout, twenty two minutes pounding the treadmill, the streets original pirate material playing full volume in my ears, I ran until I hurt, then I rowed hard and lastly rode fifteen kilometres through the h#ills programme on the bike, Mumford and sons sigh no more on full volume.
To the rest of the world I must have looked deranged, inside I was letting go, I refuse to punish my mind anymore, I have admitted to my wrong doing and work to make amends where possible and through my actions today I try to be a better person as a result.
I cannot be responsible for other folks actions and opinions, I can however look out for my own mental wellbeing.
I felt totally lost again on Monday, emotionally again I felt like nothing I do is good enough and that I am not worthy of the life I have.
I know these feelings will exist and be part of my life, I can't escape depression, but I can put myself in a better place to cope with episodes.
I still stand in the eye of addictions storm.
It has raged through my mind over the past few days, it wants to take control, it wants me to throw my arms in the air and fookitall.
I can live without reacting,I can work through the mental pain.
Communicate with the world,no more running and hiding, yes I accept equally that those deep dark thoughts of the ultimate solution lay underneath the surface, that depression offers it as an end.
I don't want to feel the weight on my mind.
Today I found a solution in exercise, almost a feeling that rather than running from myself I ran straight at the storm.
It felt good, it felt like an amazing form of self therapy.
I then worked hard this afternoon and benefitted greatly financially.
Sarah and lily took the hounds to have their nails trimmed and hovis behaved amazingly, no biting the fella this time!!!
So they got spoiled tonight, roast Chicken for their supper.
A delicious chicken salad for the rest of us.
Now I am spent but feel like the calm waters approach.
Tomorrow I am back to the stove.
I look forward to what it brings.
Today I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Ok Duncs,

Now -

Sit back in yer throne, turn off your phone, coz this is our zone ! Can even throw in some herbs and benson but don’t forget the rizla and lean like the piza.

Think pretty fitting lyrics for pounding the s***t out of the rowing machines etc. No real message here Duncs, just having a pop by and attempting to use your diary as a distraction from a dip into a head funk, hai as you know, it pass’s. A little irrelevant here but words do have power, not the words you say to others or the words said to you but the words that come out of your mouth, so my not thought out logic is when you talk as depression being a real thing, it gives it power. Not sure whether articulating my self well, and yes, a lal rambling bs being tapped away here, but it is something I am trying to practice, being aware what I say and tying to flip any negativity without going on the positive thinking wagon ??

Morning diary.
Paul fella better to ramble than gamble my friend.
So I wanted to be at work an hour ago but twelve straight hours yesterday and my body which is becoming like a human barometer said no.
This morning my hands,elbows and knees sing, not the same tune as my mind lol.
So I am on my way in for another long hard days graft.
I will use it as therapy, and once I get moving my joints do too.
Today I made myself a promise I won't gamble today.
That is enough
Duncs stepping forward never back.