Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening dearest diary.
Well my dear friend it is ten days until I can look back at a calendar year without feeding my inner addiction, the compulsion to gamble. I have trodden this road twice before since I first came to the forum in 2012, in that time I have to say my life became a great deal worse before I could say with honesty that it really is getting better. I really didn't understand what facing up to my inner self would actually entail until the events leading up to the last time I gambled.
I was living in a state of utter despair and sort to gamble not to escape but to put a permanent end to the life I was living.
The events that led up to that week did truly break the resolve I had to want to live, for reasons beyond my control I didn't get to end my life, for that today I am humbled and truly thankful.
I really do understand myself today, I accept that my brain is wired differently to most folk, I know that I can live within the world around me without fear of failure, and I accept that I can only control the decisions that are mine to take.
I have stopped second guessing what other folk say and think and concentrate solely on creating better life choices for myself.
Socially I am still deeply uncomfortable in many situations but have found some outstandingly good people to share time with over the past year and enjoy the fact that it's unconditional.
Sarah has been a rock, yes at times I know her inner self has questioned why?? And I accept that she is and will always be entitled to have a choice.
But during our time away we declared that we will grow old together and our love still grows for one another.
I am so happy that she is the last person I see at night and the first person I see when I open my eyes in the morning.
I am proud to tell her that I love her, because I truly mean it.
Over the course of the next ten days I will lay to rest the events of those days last year, I will gift myself the process of letting go.
I am still taking my medication for depression, I have had several episodes over the past year, but I do feel better equipped to deal with them.
I equally have truly changed a great deal of how I live, I am better at putting myself first.
As a result I know that other folk benefit.
Addiction still sits watching, wanting and praying for an opportunity to take control.
Because addiction wholly controlled my life entirely.
I equally respect the fact that I am one punt from destruction and always will be.
I live by a new code today, one I wholly believe in.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.
So 51 weeks ago today I gambled, I had put myself in to a position mentally were I had retracted completely from the world.
I had created a life scenario that was destroying my soul. I had stopped cooking professionally, I was working a warehouse job that paid a fraction of my previous income, I was trying to maintain a high standard of living on little income, to do so I had again stopped paying the bills, everything was piling up and I was to proud to tell anyone. With this my self esteem left me and I felt utterly worthless.
Addiction whispered, depression grew and I sort to use addiction to put myself in a position of no return.
I had worked overtime throughout the previous week, working nights as well as my regular shifts to try and gain a foot hold, when I got paid that Friday I received less than £50 extra for my efforts and I used that as the reason to run into the arms of addiction, I did not want to gamble to win I wanted to gamble to create a position of no return, I travelled across Portsmouth, going from establishment to establishment raising the stakes until I had gambled every penny I could, I text my mum and burrowed more money, not to cover my tracks but to alienate myself from them to boot, I proceeded to gamble all that until I had nothing and then I set off cycling, destination?? I rode non stop and ended up at six o'clock the following morning in Bournemouth, I remember the weather was cold and damp, I washed in a toilet on the beach and then carried on towards the west coast, I cycled through the day to shaftsbury and eventually after losing my bearings ended up in Salisbury, I had been missing for over twenty four hours and I had become very disorientated and hadn't eaten or drunk or slept. I felt lost, not physically but mentally I was broken.
I skipped a train back to Portsmouth, I remember asking the conductor if I could travel without a ticket, I must have looked a proper mess because he led me to the end of the train and sat me alone in first class. I got off and cycled home, I had made a decision to go home and write everything down, I did this and I actually went out and posted the letter in a postbox because I couldn't find the courage to tell Sarah, I couldn't speak to anybody.
I wandered the streets for a time and returned to the house and slept in the garden on a chair, I felt calm, I felt like I had left the opportunity for my wife and children to have a better life, one without me hindering their lives.
I spoke frankly to them all in the early hours of Sunday morning and bid my beloved hounds goodbye then I set off walking, I had a destination, Fishbourne in west Sussex, a level crossing, I would walk out in front of an oncoming train and end my life.
I felt a huge sense of calm, I felt like I had made peace with myself, I had long decided that it was my destiny, that I would best serve the world by not being in it.
That a life without Sarah and the kids would give greater pain.
I couldn't see another way, blinkered I walked on, four hours later arrived at my destination.
No trains!! I must have looked a real picture stood at the level crossing watching fellas working on the railway line, no train in sight.
If there had have been a train I would have ended my life that is the truth.
I stood and felt a huge sense of loss, like a part of my life was left on the track.
I was unaware that Sarah had phoned the police, that I was being looked for.
The next hours are blurred, I remember eventually returning to portsdown Hill, I had walked to Chichester and slipped onto the rail replacement bus that was running.
I will never forget that day, the emotions.
The days that followed saw me actually seek treatment and help.
I will continue to gift myself the therapy of letting go dear friend.
Yesterday I read a thread stating that the author is leaving the forum because of the frustration that relapse on other threads bring, I believe that without relapse re(dis) covery will never be found, I came to this forum after over twenty years of feeding addiction, for me it is wonderful to see so many people seek help before gambling addiction takes them to the places it has taken me. I truly couldn't wish that upon a single living soul.
It takes a greater person to admit their shortcomings, to seek help than I.
I learnt that people who live in glass houses really shouldn't cast stones.
Today life is different, yes it is not plain sailing, but it's a life I no longer want to run from.
I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
To my beautiful wife and best friend, I love you more today than I did yesterday but not half as much as I will tomorrow.

Morning diary.
Following on, I was sectioned under the mental health act as a danger to myself, I was speechless, I felt like I had failed to achieve my destiny, honestly I was ready to die, I was asked lots of questions by a mental health team, the first one did you want to die or be dead??
I wanted to be dead but answered I wanted to die.
I put a mask on, I didn't want help, they were not listening.
It was three days later when I met a GP who wanted to listen rather than preach.
That day I believe I truly started recovery.
I will continue on this path.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.
So I opened up to a GP, Dr wilcox, he sat listening intently, no feelings of judgement, just me laying my emotions out raw and hurting, I believe that through the events of the days previous I believed that I was already dead.
After I finished the tears rolling down my face he gave me three days worth of medication and made an appointment for three days time.
Through the following weeks I saw him a dozen more times, we talked, sometimes I listened.
Only one thing mattered, I had to tell Sarah how I felt, in truth since I was seventeen years old Sarah has been the only thing that made sense in my life, she understands, never judges, and I had treated her with discontent, I had lied and she never deserved any of the things that I had done to hurt her.
So she agreed to come to Somerset where I was holed up and listen.
The day she came I felt like we were on our first date again, but the difference.
No mask, no promises I couldn't keep, no more lies, just the truth.
From that she accepted to have me move home.
It has cost her a great deal, her family no longer talk to her for one.
That is something I accept I cannot change.
I accept that, I know it hurts Sarah and I am sorry for that, but I know today that I am wholly truthful.
Gambling addiction effects so much, there are so many innocent victims.
I consider this every time addiction brings itself to the fore.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

how do you cope with Sarah family not speaking to you or Sarah that must hurt. From my experience I’m not a bad person but people judge me on my gambling. I’m really pleased your life has totally changed from a year ago

Boro.
Fella I used to want to get even with Sarah's family, because every person who walks this world in my mind has skeletons in their closets, but I understand today that by uncovering someone else's flaws doesn't better you as a person, there is simply nothing to be gained, I know that the only person who will be hurt is the only person I care about.
Everyone has a choice, I accept the choices of others because I cannot change their opinion.
Sarah in truth appears happier that she doesn't have involvement, she has so many things that personally she is striving to achieve that there is a kind of new found focus in life.
With honesty the only thing that does bother me in it all is our children don't see their grandparents, not a situation of my creation but they used to visit them but got annoyed with the comments that were made.
As you may well know our children are 24,22 and 19 respectively so old enough to make their own choices in their lives.
An old adage springs to mind.
You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family and our children appear to have friends who are friends unconditionally.
I am today without doubt more responsible for my actions than I have ever been in my life.
I am very proud of that, I am inspired to live.
I have the choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I can understand you wanting to get even. The last relationship I was in her parents used my previous gambling against me. I had a £5 bet at work with a lad on the boro v Sunderland game. It all kicked off her because her mam works were I do. She was telling everybody at work I was not good enough for her. So I kicked off and told her she needs to sort out her mam not her real mam but it’s her auntie but she calls her mam. From that point we split up she was pregnant at the time. So I lost everything again because there used gambling.

Afternoon Duncan,

Honest, powerful and a heart wrenching read over the last few days

Sir, I salute you

I echo Bal above.
As always, your honesty draws me in. I caught up on a few of your recent posts and ended up having to rush to get ready for work! All good wishes x

Morning diary
Balance and little miss lost I am truly humbled by your kind words, I believe that through writing I am able to let go, to learn and move on.
So I moved back home and did what I have done my entire life, threw myself at work and grafted non stop until the debt I had created was paid up.
A clean slate?? To punish myself? Maybe both.
I used to think the answer to depression and how to deal with it best was to grow a thicker skin, I believe that I was wrong, I have dealt with my depression by peeling all the skins back, by digging deep.
I have thought long and hard about depression and addiction, how they interlock with each other, from that I believe that feeding addiction has been a coping mechanism at times but I equally believe that I am a gambling addict because that's the way I am wired, in fact addiction comes easily for me, it always has.
Today I believe that I am learning to be comfortable within my own skin, to be honest, to be able to have an opinion, to understand the power in the responsibility of that power.
I am without doubt less of a short fuse, I am finding measure.
Life with addiction today feels like this.
I am one side of a gate, addiction is on the other, from time to time addiction opens the gate and shows me an amazing view, goads me, pleads with my inner mind to take the step through the gate.
The thing is I know that yes the view is a beautiful picture but it has no footings, I would be walking off a cliff top.
For the rest of my life that gate will be present, I have a choice, sometimes that choice will be tough and testing, but the reward for continued abstinence is far greater than any win at any odds.
I am alive and want to live.
I left a part of my life at that level crossing, that was my fear.
Fourteen days hard graft at the pub from today, then the new head chef starts so I will be able to go back to a few days cooking and a few days labouring because that works for me.
Today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs,

The past few posts from your diary are everything that this site and recovery should be about, thank you for sharing so honestly and with courage.

Rob

Yeah i like that. Don’t fight what’s in front of you. Don’t try to make it vanish cos you can’t.

But it’s always your choice to act or not (to walk to through the gate).

Don’t strive for getting rid, transform your relationship with it.

all the best Duncan

Please someone help me I’ve never felt so low and totally discussed in myself

Hello Maria

You sound very down on yourself. Why not give us a call on the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and talk it through? If you don't feel up to talking on the phone you can also chat to us on the NetLine. If you'd rather get support from others going through similar experiences, why not put an introduction post in the New Member Introductions section of the forum?

You can see from Duncanmac's story that even when things feel so low, recovery is possible. Things can get better, and you are not alone.

Keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Morning diary
Cardhue thanks for popping by, you have been here a while and talk a great deal of sense.
Maria675, help begins with you helping yourself.
Forum admin, not often have you posted upon my thread in the six years and I felt like the kid standing outside the headmasters office again, but alas you were offering support where it was needed, keep up the good work!!
So dear diary I have 11days of shifts to go, I implemented a new menu yesterday, well more of a tweek of the old menu in truth so I will be able to keep myself busy and entertained until the new head chef starts on the 2nd,then I am going to treat myself to a few days off, four hours of tattooing on the 3rd to continue with the rest of my sleeve and some r and r.
Sarah has her last day of work within education today, she is quite emotional this morning and yesterday some of the senior management team asked her to reconsider her choice to leave.
For me it's a little to late and I believe that the job she starts in a weeks time within retail will allow her such a more forfilling life with a greater amount of choice for her to do things of her own choice.
And selfishly we will get so much more time for holidays outside the school calendar.
I am so very proud of what she has achieved in the twelve years she has worked, gone from cleaning to being a very competent lsa and accepted with grace all the changes that academy schooling has brought.
So tomorrow will see the page turned, a new chapter to begin.
I feel very calm this week, yesterday saw another successful stock take at the pub, since my involvement last August the stock results have been better than expected every month and on average higher than they ever were before I started so the owners are happy and again asked for me to remain a part of the kitchen team, I agreed to what suits me, three days cooking is enough, I have labouring booked for three weeks time and really enjoy what it gifts my life, so I will do what is actually best for me, in return the folk around me will benefit to boot.
I accept responsibility for my own life, I am happy to take into account what is actually the best actions for me.
I am wholly better as a person as a result.
A great deal of water passed under the bridge before I learned that I have a right to look after myself first.
I know how powerful it is to have been given the opportunity.
Addiction wants to take the reigns.
For now it can carry the bucket and pick up the +s#i*t!!!
I will enjoy returning the favour, I did the same for more than twenty years.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.