Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

A lovely post there Duncan. Positivity all the way. I would not excpect anthing else from you really. Congratulations and good luck to Sarah and yourself on the vocational fronts. I wish you both and your family all the success and happiness that your hard work merits. Markman

Dear diary.
Markman fella your words humble me greatly, we have been on this journey side by side for a long time now and I believe that we have learnt a great deal.
So today marks one year of abstinence, a year ago today I was totally lost, broken beyond words, if circumstances had been different I would today be just a statistic, a loss to life through depression, depression which was fueled through hiding from it, addiction loves that, it loves to isolate you, it wants you to dance to its tune and nothing else.
I couldn't see a way to live with any prospects, I just wrote myself off.
Today I am humbled by the opportunity to live a very different life, yes I take medication to create a balance but that medication doesn't impede my thinking, it equally doesn't numb the pain life dishes up at times, it simply allows me to process my thoughts without everything creating a sense of despair.
Today I understand myself better, I can live with the dark days, I can ride the internal storms because I know that the outcome will be days filled with inner calm.
I haven't considered suicide as a life choice for a while now, it used to dominate my inner mind.
Today I feel safe, that's enough.
Sarah made a choice 352 days ago, one which had a profound effect upon my life, it hasn't been plain sailing, we have had to navigate sum stormy situations but the result is a better quality of life.
Communication has been a huge contending factor.
However low you feel, somebody will accept your situation and unconditionally understand.
Never give up on giving up.
Today I understand those words.
Today I dedicate my life to living a better life.
It's there for everyone.
Please take it.
Most of all enjoy it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Congratulation on a wonderful achievement.

A full year without a bet during which time you have developed as a person, learnt about your self and embraced opportunities. You have shown love, consideration and compassion to your family, friends and work colleagues whilst offering support and encouragement to those around you.

I raise my glass to Duncan, a stalwart of the diaries and a true gamcare warrior.

Morning diary
Thanks blue screen, Stephen for your kind words they are truly humbling.
So I processed a great deal of thoughts over the past few weeks, reliving the days that led me to believe that my life had become something with so little value that I would have committed suicide.
Through doing so I have left the part of my inner self at that railway track, that part of my life will be a memory, a fact that defined the way I will live the rest of my life.
It's been a hard week at the pub, the hot weather has brought folk out and couple that with the fact that the pub in the next village is undergoing a refurbishment we have been really busy, I am producing some of the most exciting food I have cooked in a long time, I am really enjoying the moment. The reason??
I guess I am laying down the gauntlet for the incoming head chef, I want to be challenged by their presence, I want to raise the bar so we can take the food to the next level. I know that I cannot do this alone, the workload would be too much. I am looking forward to a few days r and r next week because I haven't had a days rest since our holiday.
Sarah and I did manage to treat ourselves to a meal on Monday night we went to a restaurant we have wanted to visit for a long time and we weren't disappointed, it was a truly memorable evening.
Addiction truly hates my mindset, it detests the fact that my life glass is half full.
It wants it half empty, it wants action, I accept that it always will.
Just for today it can jog on.
Tomorrow will be better for it.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary
My dear friend its been an eventful few days, on Saturday night I slipped whilst showering and fell out of the bath hitting just about everything on my way down lastly my head on the toilet bowl, I am black and blue from my head to the back of my legs. Sunday was a very hard day at the pub, my everything hurt lol. So yesterday I handed over to the new head chef and another three weeks of long hours came to an end, I have a couple of days to rest my body now and enjoy some of the football, I haven't seen a great deal of it but have enjoyed the fact that the old guard are being tested, it's refreshing, change.
Sarah started her new job yesterday, she is like a new person, smiling, energetic and most of all she doesn't seem stressed out about everything.
For me this is amazing and I will enjoy every minute of it.
Today I have a few hours in the chair, hopefully the bottom of my sleeve will be finally finished, this is my reward for the past weeks efforts and I will use it as therapy.
Sarah is working later and we will enjoy supper when she is home, I will potter about the garden and keep myself ticking over, we got a new bbq, a bargain and I might christen it later, something about lighting some charcoal that envokes a huge amount of inner joy.
Addiction lurks in the shadows, it wants to reak havoc, just for today it can go take a hike.
Today I choose to live by a decision
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Duncan, I hope that battered body is recovering well. My nemesis is the stairs. I fell down the whole flight on my a*se this morning. Thankfully I broke off my tail bone the same way a couple of years ago so I only have carpet burns to show - kind of brings me back to my honeymoon - the capet burns, you understand, not the tail bone;-) Enjoy your time of rest and
enjoy the Barbie. Best wishes to you Sarah and the Family. Markman

Sorry to hear about your fall, seems like it was the universe telling you to take a break, hope you feel better soon. Enjoy the football and well done for staying gamble free, keep smiling.

Paulds

Dear diary.
Paulds, Markman fellas we have been around this forum for a good few years, we have seen I believe a huge amount of growth in each other in that time, be proud of that and I am truly humbled by your kind words.
So dear diary I have been working hard, last week I took a day off to rest my bones and I really did need it, my fall left me needing a time out.
I have enjoyed the world cup, some decent football and truthfully the outcome of any game was insignificant, I have just enjoyed the games for the entertainment they are.
England surpassed my expectations and they will grow in future tournaments which brings hope and furthers my inner belief that anything in life can be achieved if you really want it.
Addiction has been quiet, it just sulks in its hovel and I plan on keeping it there.
Gambling offers my mind no comfort, no outcome than misery on offer, I remind myself of that fact, it's sobering indeed.
ЕЌ at the moment and is learning a great deal as a result.
Family is so important, I will be forever inspired by their efforts.
Today I have a choice,
Abstain And maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Evening diary.
So I am sat in my garden with my wife, hounds and a smoking bbq.
I have worked hard for the past few days and today I got away early, so an inpromptu bbq and a couple of pimms, a reward for making the right choice in life.
That is to put two fingers up and the other three down to addiction.
A couple of days of r and r ahead, and due to Sarah having her new job we have days off together.
Her choice to change jobs is having a profound effect on the mac household.
This is the life awaiting anyone who commits to abstinence.
Not right away, there will undoubtedly be a mountain of s#h#t to wade through first but a very different life will be on the other side of that.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Nice post. Thanks for sharing.

I could not have a catch up of the forum without stopping by Duncan. Hope all is well with you and the family.

Morning dear diary
Markman thanks for popping by and change your words truly humble me.
So dear friend life rolls on, Sarah is loving her new job, it's given her a totally new outlook on how she is going to live, no longer does she get emails at stupid o'clock that make her question her value, no longer is she marking books, not even a job she should be doing in the evening or fretting about some new policy or internal politics, she goes to work, works hard and then leaves her job at work.
I have taken a leaf out of her book, I understand that it doesn't mean you don't care for your job if you don't work ungodly hours and actually you can only achieve what everybody else you work with wants likewise.
I am in a purple patch, the food I cook receives good feedback beyond my expectations and it drives me to stay in the zone.
We have enjoyed time off together and it's inspiring.
I had a wobbly day last Tuesday, internally I struggled to see sense, to see good in anything.
Previously I would have run to addiction, I would have drunk too much, I would have taken my inner feelings and turned it into anger against the folk I love.
I rode the emotions, treated myself to a chill out at the gym, ate well and slept like a baby.
Wednesday I regained control of my own mind.
Today I am off to pick up some hardware for the pub kitchen, equipment that will make work easier, allowing time to polish the dishes.
Food constantly evolves, I know that focusing on that breeds inner calm and a huge sense of wellbeing.
Addiction wants an in, I won't feed it, I understand the outcome, I respect it and won't run either to or from it. I will stand up and be counted.
I was told over six years ago that recovery is a gift, I couldn't see the true meaning of that until recently.
I can affect the outcome of my life through constant change, through planning and equally accepting that plans change and I accept that I can only effect the change that I am truly able of making.
Recovery is like a recipe
Yes without all the ingredients you can make a dish, but it may not truly make good eating.
I don't believe that I have all my ingredients to date, but I evolve my dish every day, equally I disgard ingredients that don't befit the dish, that's vital.
Eventually I may end up with very few ingredients but I want them to be the best ones for me.
That's how I see it.
My dear friend sorry to ramble.
Better to ramble than gamble my old friend.....
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Abstain and maintain.
Stepping forward never back.

Ramble away all you like! Well done for your continued abstinence, day after day you are making the right decision.

Paulds

Morning dear diary.
So it's finally raining! I know the rest of the world probably disagree but I am delighted to have a day of rain ahead, the kitchen has been unbearably hot this past week and the whole team have struggled through, I am off to work shortly for a twelve hour straight shift at the stove and I know that my efforts will be enjoyed, I also know that I will have a full audience for the roast dinners we serve today, a day off the ploughman run we have been going through lol.
I have four straight days ahead of long shifts and then I have a couple of of days labouring then an early Saturday and then Sarah and I are off to visit my mums for a couple of days r and r.
Good to have plans, rewarding the efforts we give life.
I rode past the most local bookies to my home yesterday morning on route to work and was reminded of something important
I am entitled to have 'fun' and to do so I have a choice, an educated choice, one which I have safety measures in place to help me make, one that didn't come easily, one I took 25 years to feel comfortable with.
It in my mind is brought about by effecting change, by finding a new will.
Gambling was my master, my religion, I was a devout follower.
Today I have a new faith, one of my own making.
And thanks so much for reminding me brokelads I will have 'FUN'
I accept that gambling will exist long after I gave it my all and existed long before I started.
I don't have any excuses to feed it, I found the underlying reason why I fed it with such commitment.
I took away the best part of those reasons and I will have fun taking away the rest.
It is possible to win
Don't wage a punt.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Off to roast some incredible meat and have a great deal of fun in doing so.

Hi Duncs,

An interesting and thought-provoking post especially with regards to 'FUN'.

You're right, we have to use the word 'FUN' in the right way and completely ignore other peoples' ideas of 'FUN'. Their ideas of 'FUN' are, as we all know, ridicolously untrue.

Enjoy the cooler weather... while it lasts!

NT