Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary
Nt thanks for popping by, I don't get around the diaries like I used to, a number of reasons mainly that I simply enjoy the solice of writing my thoughts upon my own thread, it's been a safe place for me to do so for many years now.
So I had a day off cooking today, labouring instead, I have probably shifted two ton of metal work today, heavy going and makes me fully respect why I do what I do for a living. I do enjoy the freedom of a good physical work out without any mental distraction, it's days like today I free my mind, let the thoughts rampage through my mind and release the anger through hard graft.
I know that this is far better than letting frustration build, even better than walking over the freshold of a bookmakers.
Both actions have the same devastating outcome, disruption and chaos.
Recovery or rediscovery is so much more than just one action, arresting that next punt is just a place to start. I have to commit to creating changes, accepting that my behaviour today founds tomorrow's ability to be greatly improved on.
I accept that I am an island I can truthfully only look after myself first and foremost, a lifetime trying to mend other folk before addressing my own concerns is just another form of escape.
Today I count, today I will be comfortable in my choices because they have come with thought and a huge desire to learn, suck it all up and use the positive things to build a better life upon.
I am as a result content, I am not financially rich but I am a wealthy man in so many ways.
Sarah and lily have just done a boot camp class in the new outside gym area, Sarah looks so amazing, recent life has stripped the rings from under her eyes and a permanent smile is worn.
I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to tell her how much I love her this morning, why? Because I do.
Me I have enjoyed an hour in the wet room, steam, sauna and a spa.
Now I sit enjoying a pint alone watching the sun set as I one finger type.
To the rest of the folk here I am an outsider, I don't conform to what everyone else looks like physically and aesthetically but I'm happy, I to wear a huge smile.
Cheers old friend, you and I have a lot of history, you have let me spill my heart out here.
It's wonderful therapy.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
I have neglected you again my dear old friend, funny because when I don't write my thoughts I know addiction prepares itself, it comes from within the shadows of my mind and wants to be the front runner again.
I accept it's presence and I will counter its ridiculous notions that I am ready to walk into its open arms again.
I have been working hard again, probably too many hours on the bounce, the result is down time leaves me totally unable to do anything except lay down and sleep, it's not something I enjoy the feeling of so this week I will address it, no 12 hours graft followed by the same, last week I did that for five days on the trot, this week again I will seek balance. Today I have a meeting with the owners of the pub, I am starting to give them a hand over for them to carry on making the correct margins and when I leave them next month I will be hopeful that I have left them in a good place.
I have a busy month planned for September, no cooking just labouring, a huge contract that will see plenty of work but equally a better life balance, a choice I make happily and with honesty I have run my course at the pub, I have given a great deal of my time to it, now it's time to take charge of my own life again.
Self control, the ability to do what is right for me, breeds a healthy mind, that is progress, something that I have never given myself the opportunity of.
I know that life is a for me a jigsaw, I am putting pieces together as I go, I still have pieces to find and there are a few pieces from an old puzzle that I need to discard, but I am getting there.
The honesty I am able to share with Sarah is a huge progress, and I respect her honesty in return, yes we don't always agree but we have an ability to work with each other.
She is going to learn to drive!!! We have sent her licence away and have been shopping around for an instructor, in time we know that the opportunity for greater freedom will be the result.
re(dis)covery is a process for our entire family, it is a growth I welcome and desire in equal terms.
As I type I feel addiction retreat
That is therapy nobody can give
Tonight is a rare opportunity to watch my beloved pompey with both my sons, I look forward to it.
Tomorrow I am labouring then a day off with Sarah before three days at the pub.
So I counter your move Mr addiction.
Mine is one of action against the hollow promise you offer.
Two fingers up and the other three down I believe.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Nice to see you ticking along nicley, shame to see you leaving the kitchens as i know how much pleasure it gives you. the first paragraph remind my of the addiction poem im sure you have seen but thought it was only right to share it with you again.

I am an addiction
i start in small subtle ways promising many things
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams
I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare
I promise you power and courage
I give you feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness
I will force you to live in fear always
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined
I promise you many friends
I only allow isolation
I promise happiness
I create much sorrow
I will steal from you your dignity, your familes, your friends, your children, your homes, your dreams, your spirit and your life
For love freedom and happiness are impossible to find in my presence
So never underestimate me
I am devious and manipulating
I have no preference as to who i pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black, white, yellow or red
I have killed men, women and children- I have no conscience
So if you have met me, always beware if you think you can beat me, that i will be gone from your life and all will go well again
Never forget i will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner
I am very patient and i will laugh in your face if i can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth once again
I AM ADDICTION

Morning diary
Oldham thanks for the share fella it means a great deal.
So football on Tuesday didn't pan out the way I intended and I left at half time, why?? Because I found myself surrounded by folk I think would have been better placed in a cinema. Cries of sit down, stop swearing, and conversation surrounding this week's bargains at the supermarket did for me so I left rather than get wound up and went to the pub for a pint and a game of shove halfpenny with our Joe. So I made a good decision and still had a good night. Yesterday I laboured a great day and I had a really good chat with the big boss which was wholly enlightening.
Today I was going to the pub but as the weather is pretty grim so I will stay home and do some paperwork instead.
Sarah is working an early shift before a day off so I'll make us a cottage pie so later we can sit as a family and enjoy our company.
I watched a documentary on Netflix this morning about the best steak in the world and it's questioned my belief in what I thought I knew, I love to be mentally challenged and this has definitely given great food for thought!!
Addiction has returned to the duldroms of my mind, I will be vigilant, I know it will try to return.
I will be prepared.
I live by a mantra
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good morning dear diary
Up with the larks this morning, got to the gym for a good workout and half an hour in the wet room.
I feel I can face the world now, three long days graft ahead at the stove, three days of nothing but cooking whilst wearing a huge smile.
I am determined to look after number one, the rest of the world benefits if I do.
The sun shines inside and out.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning dear diary.
Reading around the forum this morning I saw a lot of my past in other folks words.
The cycle of destruction, the remorse which I know was all too often short lived, the fear of being found out and the life of deceit and lies uncovered.
Words which profess to hide addiction from others for their own good.
I said and acted out all these things.
Why??
Because I didn't want to stop, I wanted the world to leave me alone and do nothing for me but fund my next punt.
I was committed to addiction with all my actions, I functioned for no reason other than to feed its call.
What changed??
I will be honest, the pursuit of suicide and my failure to succeed in it. I was left broken and wholly lost.
I was left at a fork in the road
One way to play out the game until I could end my life.
The other a path I had never walked
One in which I cannot lie, one in which I look after myself, one in which I give to hating and release the inner anger, one in which I believe I left the person I was dead on that train track.
It's no cake walk, bed of roses but I today truly want to live it.
I have grieved for that tortured soul, I will never forget what it lived with.
It will always be present as will addiction.
Without doubt
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon dear diary.
At the stove today and the rest of the week for me, yesterday after a previous day's labouring I had a day off, we had a funeral to attend, our best friend lost her mum recently and she was laid to rest yesterday. It was a truly lovely send off, like no other I have seen, she planned the whole thing herself, music. Horse drawn herse and even the wake, it was a true celebration of her life and with it she left a strong message.
Live your life to the full.
Love doesn't die we pass it on, we are just it's guardian.
I will take those words on board.
I felt deeply uncomfortable, I left the throng after the service and spent ten minutes walking around the memorial garden to gather my overwhelmed emotions, I felt a great sense of shame that I had set off to take my own life and this amazing lady had hers taken through illness, I felt I had cheated her for a moment.
I accept that I cannot alter the course of another person's life but I can be inspired by one.
Sarah shed a few tears the emotional outcome of her family and their choices. Again something that I cannot control.
I know I have done some terrible things I am not proud of but I have made amends where I can and am a wholly different person as a result.
Today I spoke with my friend on route to work to see she was OK, she is understandably upset, broken but will I know grow strength.
I am inspired.
I am mindful.
I will continue to make the right life choices.
The next three months will see me graft a great deal, I have a life changing opportunity I will be giving my all to.
I know it has the opportunity to have a profound outcome upon the folk I hold dear.
I have the ability and resolve.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary.
Well today was a strange day, one that didn't see many customers, we are not getting a fill of bank holiday revellers. To be honest there's so much going on in my fare city this weekend I am not surprised, 70 thousand people at the victorious festival each day and a beer festival in the next village just two of many.
So I have a mass of pent up energy and a kitchen full of stock.
Tomorrow the forecast is pretty horrendous so I know its not great for those who are not working but it may be good for business, so I will be back at the stove at dawn and will be cooking up a stack of Sunday roasts in anticipation.
Sarah is also working all weekend in her own job, so hopefully tomorrow night I will be able to sit with my family after a hard day's graft and enjoy their good company by way of a reward.
I really didn't want to bow out of my time at the pub on a damp squib.
But I accept that I can't change what isn't mine to.
Still I will give my all.
I have the ability because I made a choice today.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening dearest diary.
I have neglected you again my old friend. In truth I have been a busy boy.
Last week I did eight shifts in the kitchen on the bounce then this Thursday rather than taking a day off I took a day's labouring followed by another half days labouring yesterday, then back at the stove today for a twelve hour straight, tomorrow I will return to work at six am and cook for another ten straight hours, then Monday, Tuesday at the stove and Wednesday labouring then I will be taking two days off, a night in a hotel for myself and Sarah and a days r and r in Bournemouth.
Life has just been so busy. I sleep well, I have grabbed time in the morning to visit the gym and I have more money in the bank than I ever have.
I am addicted to graft, I love it, when I am not working I busy myself at home.
I am in love with a beautiful woman, truly in love.
She takes my breath away.
We smile, laugh and are truly getting to know each other.
It's recovery.
Or rediscovery.
All through a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan,

Thanks for popping by in my diary, much appreciated.

All our recoveries are bespoke and seemingly over time we post less as the recovery progresses. In the beginning I needed to post every few hours but now it is every week or so.

You work incredibly hard but well done for scheduling some time away, us addicts do tend to be all consumed by things although I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to than hard graft!

Keep on keeping on, abstain and maintain as you always say , there is no other way.

Paulds

Morning diary.
Paulds thanks for the kind words they mean a great deal.
So a new week, the last one filled with a good few long days and yesterday I woke up facing a wall ahead, I got my head down and worked through it, another busy day at the stove and one I am glad I had the opportunity of.
The labouring job has been put back a few weeks so today I am at the pub then three days back labouring for another job and then three days at the stove, next week I will be enjoying some time off with Sarah which will drive me through this week.
She is learning to drive at long last, something she has always wanted to do but I too often stole the opportunity for her to do so by feeding my addiction.
I will not be repeating this cycle.
I am again one step ahead of addiction, I will remain there.
I understand myself today, I know how to better my circumstances, I know that I am one punt from destruction and can live content with that.
So today I have gifted myself and as a result my family to boot.
It will start with a steam and sauna before work.
The hounds had a run early this morning with their friends and are all curled up together, the house work is done so I feel I am ready to go.
The small things do add up to the big picture.
And it's looking better with every day's abstinence.
A choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

One punt from destruction is so true, it's like a dam you build and you can work on it for days, weeks, months or even years, but just one pound, or one cheeky bet and all that hard work can be ruined in an instant. Forward never ever back.

Hi Dunc, yes I’m back mate, a lot of water under the bridge , . I’m sticking with it Dunc, and you said that i got you through some rocky waters with the grit that i bought to the forum, well let me tell you mate that you helped me as much as you say i helped you, I’m pleased about that, i made a mistake on getting my account deleted, but it’s done, so i start again, cheers Duncan . Regards Bob. Guard Up, Rainman

Afternoon diary.
Just in from a physically challenging day, eight hours hard graft and I am spent, it really does ground me, I have a huge respect for life, even more respect for folk who Labour for a living.
So an evening off, Sarah has worked an early to so we will head off to the gym shortly, Sarah to use the gym, me to use the wet room, then home for Sarah's meatballs and an early night!!
Another two days labouring and then back to the stove.
I will continue to take all that's on offer, I simply can't refuse it, why??
Because truthfully it's my choice, I am committed to the drive, it forfills my need to constantly expend energy.
It has an outcome to boot.
Financial gain
When I am grafting I am not spending and when I take time off I can spend freely without addiction whispering that same old drivel, its another weapon in my constantly growing armoury in my fight to remain in control of my life.
And working two jobs means that I never tire or grow bored.
Equally money is in no way the thing I measure personal success upon.
For me it is about how I feel, about how the folk I hold dear feel.
Money can't buy it, that I know.
Maybe I have joined the rat race.
Whatever it is I am all in.
Because the outcome is profound.
Just for today I choose to remain gamble free.
Two fingers up and the other three down.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.
Well I am sitting basking in the September sun with an ice cold shandy, yesterday we decided to go gung ho and did two days graft in one day gifting me a day off today.
Sarah is off to boot, she has been to a boot camp class in the gym and I just spent an hour in the steam and sauna, my body relaxed and less hurting than it was first thing this morning.
Sarah had another driving lesson and shopped for groceries and did the housework.
A delicious roast chicken, spinach, asparagus and Broad bean pie sits in the bottom of the fridge, I made it this morning and we will dine like Kings later.
So the rest of the day will be enjoyed doing nothing much.
My glass sits half full.
Not even the fact that someone stole Sarah's favourite suede jacket yesterday will deter it from being so.
If someone needed it that badly so be it.
I have given her the money for a new one, a wonderful position to be in.
The spoils of nothing but hard graft.
Addiction looks up from the bottom of it's half empty glass, good luck to it.
Just for today it's not for me.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.