Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Good evening dear diary.
Well my dear friend I have just got in from another long day at the stove, its been a long hard month, many festive parties and meals served and bar the odd complaint which were mostly trivial we had a truly memorable month.
I am physically worn thin but mentally I am in a truly marvellous place.
We have money in the bank, we have brought some lovely gifts for our children and it's a reward for the effort given by myself and Sarah to boot.
Christmas this year is something new, we have a different approach and it's an enjoyable one.
Tomorrow I will be cooking up a feast, some amazing meat and all the trimmings.
Washed down with some good wine and most of all some of the greatest company I could ever wish for.
I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and wherever you are in your own journeys I hope you can be inspired to find a way to live your life without addiction ruling your mind and the terrible consequences of feeding it and its desires to be fed.
I want to share my good fortune, something I found doesn't come for me through the modicum of gambling.
Because I lived by a mantra.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
I turned that upon its head.
I did win because I did stop.
A wonderful outcome created.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Merry Christmas Duncs

have a great one

Morning dear diary.
Thanks new day I did have a super day yesterday, today I am back at the stove for lunch and then another super evening off to spend with my family.
I got spoiled yesterday some new clothes and a couple more pairs of Adidas.
I wore the same pair of shoes for four years before I faced up to addiction along with the same clothes, I looked a proper mess.
Today I care for myself, I dress well and from that I feel worthy.
Addiction stops you caring about anything else except that next punt.
It wants you to believe that there is no other way to live.
Yesterday I gifted my beautiful wife some real diamonds, 27 years together and that is the first time I have been in the position to do so.
Why
Because I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

That’s great Duncs, really heart warming,. All the very best to you mate . Moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Afternoon dear diary.
At work been here since the small hours, just taking a breather before ploughing through the rest of the day.
This morning I had addiction join me, it ran to the front of my mind, it pulled up a chair and filled my brain with it's toxic words.
Why? Why today.
I know why, the past week or so we have spent money, not wasted it, actually spent our hard earned on the festive period, a hotel room for mum and Ed for three days, good food, drink and gifts for those we hold dear.
Upon addiction I have waged nothing, the result is it wants a slice of the pie, the cream and all it can.
It fed me the line that I can win all the money spent back and relish in the joy of it.
Well I let it waffle on, then I put it back in its box.
If I gamble today, wander into a bookies I will take away the wonderful feeling I have given myself these past weeks.
I respect the fact that for twenty years and more I fed addiction first.
I ran to its call and danced to it's tune.
The outcome was devastating, destructive not just to myself but those folk I hold dear.
Today my mental health is the most important thing, without looking after it I will run again.
The wrong way.
I suffered depression long before I gambled, addiction came very easily.
To give it up hasn't been easy.
I will live with it forever as I will my mental health issues.
The days between my last bet and today only hold the relivance of what I learnt in that time.
I understand myself today, I accept my weekness and build upon my strengths.
I am happy addiction got to see my life without its dominance.
It's profoundly different.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear diary.
Well it's a new year my old friend, I have had a couple more busy days at the stove, the reward some great comments and some fantastic gratuities for the staff.
So I have made myself a promise, this year I will finally put myself first.
I have an amazing wife, some might rightly say that I punch well above my weight, and I know the value in that lol.
So I will enjoy as much time as I can doing all the things we want to do.
Time to live some dreams.
Time to take back for the effort I have given.
Addiction hates my attitude, it sulks like a loser.
Funny because it's like looking at the fella I used to be.
Some might say that I have finally grown up.
The thing is I like acting like a kid sometimes, it's good for my soul, but at 44 I finally accept the responsibility I have in equal measure.
Just for today I won't be gambling.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary.
So another long days work done, we rebuilt the fridges and cleaned away a great deal of rubbish. It's a good way to start the year.
Last night we enjoyed the darts as a family, Sarah is back to work tomorrow and it was a truly great way to start the new year.
I have a long day at the stove tomorrow the first shoot of the new year, secretly I hope all the pheasants get to fly another day, such an elegant bird and the toffs who pay a great amount of money for their sport don't seem to take home what they kill, madness in my mind.
But hey each to their own.
I will cook up a storm and be content with my efforts.
Life looks so much better without actively feeding addiction, I have the ability to see much clearer.
Opportunities will be a plenty as a result.
I will take the ones that will suit my needs.
I won't be complacent.
I won't be fooled so easily.
I will take time to consider the outcome of the choices I make.
I will never be financially rich but what I have is priceless.
A beautiful wife I adore and love with all my heart and we have three children who are exceeding the greatest of our expectations.
For that I will continue to be inspired.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.
So yesterday's graft went well, a table of happy folk last night who praised the cooking so happy with that.
Managed to get away sharp and catch the second half of the football with our boys, a couple of pints of the black stuff and some good company for an hour which was a good way to end the day.
Later start today and Sarah and lily are coming to dine so I best be on my A game tonight lol.
Watching the football I couldn't help notice the volume of gambling adverts, even the commentators spoke about odds.
I respect the fact that gambling will exist forever, that gambling isn't the problem, its the compulsive gambler that is the problem.
But it does make me ponder the fact that gambling appears to have taken the place of tabacco advertisement which used to dominate sport.
And why did the powers that be ban such advertising??
Because of the danger to health.
Now not everyone who smokes developes cancer or heart disease.
Now could the same be said for gambling.
Other countries in the world are one step ahead.
But the fact that the folk that run this country are busy arguing amongst themselves over what to do about our impending departure from the EU I guess the potential dangers of gambling are way down the line.
Right a walk with the hounds before work.
No greater way to start a day.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary
The shifts keep rolling on, today I have treated myself to a sleep in, from tomorrow it will be four 12-14 hour days on the bounce.
I had a terrible bout of gout attack my knee yesterday so upon finishing work headed back to the gym and had a very long steam then to the supermarket for a few cartons of cherry juice, my long standing cure.
This morning I feel better for it and the sleep.
I am in a true purple patch with regards to my cooking, everything seems to be turning out to its best.
I have rung some changes since the new year.
New fish monger and a new butcher, they have both made a huge difference because I know when a new supplier comes to the table they bring their best.
Long may it continue.
I am really enjoying a book I was given at Christmas, something that may have a profoundly positive effect on my life as its primarily about accepting who I am.
To use my strengths and not to punish myself for my weaknesses.
Something I have done all my life.
Feel inadequate.
I haven't had addiction feature in the past week or so, I know it's there, something that I will accept as ever present even if it lurks deep in the shadows.
The world around me seems to be a little flat, my conclusion is a great deal of folk had time off, and as a result over spending, eating and drinking lead to a time of readjustment upon the return of their everyday life.
Me I stopped for one day so this is becoming a routine.
One at present I am enjoying.
Sarah as usual is the foundation of it, she never stops doing the little things that mean a lot and make it possible.
I love her with all my heart.
Right time to run the hounds who navigated to Sarah's side of the bed the moment she left for work.
Whippets love sleep lol.
Today I will not step into a bookies.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duplicate post

Morning dear diary
Late home last night a full restaurant and only one table that complained, to be honest there's time's when we will never win, two walk In get the hump there's no tables and say that they phoned in the afternoon and were told by the barman there's no need to book then get sat somewhere they don't like and order steak, then when it's sent they say they ordered a different degree of cookery, I offer to re fire them two new ones, no they would be fine, then sit and moan.
Me I scrapped their bill and they left.
The barman is a bad apple, nobody even talks to him, its rather sad.
He seems to spend his time trying to put a spanner in the works.
I refuse to let it bother me, I just carry on with a smile.
I used to be a shouter but today I see that holds no value.
I will put all my energy into what goes on a plate.
Life is rewarding that way.
So again another 12/13 day is underway.
I will enjoy every minute.
I have a choice, one I make every day
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon dear diary.
So I am in the week before it marks seven years since I found this forum, I came here broken with a pretty dim view of what life had install for me, for more than twenty years I fed addiction before everything else, I had lied, cheated, begged burrowed and stolen to feed addiction.
I couldn't see any other way to live.
In my time here I have relapsed, actively sort to gamble to compulsion twice, for different reasons each time but I had simply not given wholly to change.
Not just abstinence but a change to how I live and equally view myself.
The last time I gambled I did so to lose everything, my depression had become so bad I couldn't face living, so I gambled because I thought I would make it easier for my family when I took my own life.
Without doubt I wouldn't be here there was a train running down the track that day, but it wasn't and for that today I am thankful.
I live a totally different life today, maybe at times I believe it is because I am already dead, that from that day I will never feel such pain again, yes things go south at times but nothing will measure up to the place I found myself.
Why?
Because I opened the door
I told all there was to tell
To firstly Sarah, my family and professionals in the health care industry.
I will continue to do so because a problem shared is without doubt halved.
I will never forget what I have done to facilitate the addiction that lives in my being.
I have found the courage to stand up to its call.
I accept it will try to beat my defences it will never stop trying.
I understand that.
I equally understand myself and the fact that I am answerable to myself and my family benefit from the outcome.
I choose to live today.
I feel truly enriched by the folk I have in my life.
Each of them gifts a great deal.
In return I know that giving back doesn't mean a financial transaction, I have what I would have never been able to buy or win.
Contentment, inner peace and from that a drive.
I live by a mantra.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Sadly you cannot please everyone Duncan, regardless how much care and effort you out in. Still loving the pride that you put into your work. I feel that too, when I am in the mood and not distracted.

Many thanks for your words of support. They are just as important to me now as they were in 2012.

Admitting to anyone that you are depressed is very difficult. I find it a term that is often overused by people and so I do not use the term lightly. I never felt ashamed by it as I never thought of it as a mental conditon, which is clearly wrong, so I can see how some poor people see it as a stigma.

Take care of yourself. Me, I am belly sliding my way right back to the crease.

Markman

Brilliant post as normal Duncan. You have helped so many people on here in them 7 years I have seen because I have been on here about the same length of time. I still always read your post when you write on your diary. A lot of people have come and gone,good people. I wonder if they turned there lives around

Good morning dear diary.
Fella's thanks so much for the kind words, boro I often think about the great deal of folk who have come and gone from the forum in my time here and how they are doing, I hope that in the main they are living gamble free and are enjoying a life unblinkered by addiction.
I will have as I wrote been an active member of this forum for seven years on this coming Tuesday.
In that time I have learnt a great deal about myself and my compulsion to gamble.
I fully accept that the ability to gamble will always be present and equally addiction will be a part of my makeup.
I know each day I have a choice whether to seek to actively feed it or to find ways to live without feeding its desire.
I accept that I cannot be the sole instigator of what lies ahead but can in a fashion put myself in a position to have options in life.
If I actively feed addiction I leave myself one avenue and that's a path of self destruction.
Addiction takes away my principles, addiction takes away the ability to to see right from wrong, addiction surpresses my desire to be a better person and in total for what financial gain.
Addiction when fed doesn't make me feel better, it just leaves me feeling like I didn't give it enough.
Addiction wants all I have to give and some.
It took twenty years feeding and subsequently two relapses for me to seek a new path, something which I can see things in a very different and affable fashion.
What I have lost in my life I will never regain.
Whether that be money or more importantly family members or friends, to which I have made amends where possible.
Life without actively feeding addiction shuts the doors behind and opens the one's ahead.
Never give up on giving up.
The rewards will surpass anything addiction and any bookmakers will ever be able to offer.
Abstinence has levelled the playing field for me.
Yes life is no bed of roses
There's always things to deal with.
But without doubt they will be better dealt with.
I have learnt that much.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.