Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Dear diary 

thanks scottyboy this forum is for me owned by the authors, the advice given and received here will help and as the old saying goes take what you need and leave the rest.

 I have had a couple of days rest, spent with my wife and beloved hounds, we have talked, walked, enjoyed each other’s company and worked on our respective recoveries together, because it’s for me vital that Sarah recovers from addiction as much as I am, because we have been together our whole adult lives and she has by default lived through addiction as much or even greater than myself.

addiction effects a great deal of innocent lives, it shows no prejudice, it wants it’s fill and will take the addict to some outstanding depths to get what it wants and more.

 I thought that two years ago I had hit rock bottom and foolishly didn’t work on myself as a result. Today I know better, today recovery is the first thing on my list and the last thing I think about at night, because simply without giving it my all I give addiction a chance however small to try and breach my defences and again rule my thoughts and actions. I am done feeding it’s call, I was licked , beaten and I am not ashamed to admit that.

 I am respectful of addiction and it’s power.

one day at a time I will become a better person 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

In from a days graft and I am happy with my efforts, we are introducing some new ways to get our products to our customers in accordance with the guidelines given and we plan to see how things work for a few days before we commit. For me I struggle with the unknown, I work better with a plan in place but for me the circumstances of life are at best vague and the guidelines seem a little confusing so I accept that I have found the courage to change the things I can and live with the things I cannot.

 I have been fairly active on the forum over the past week or two because I accept the value this place brings and I am mindful that there’s a growing number of new threads and even older threads that tell the world that the circumstances of current life are having a detrimental effect on addiction. I accept that I am in a minority and truly fortunate that I gambled in person and the current circumstances mean my only potential outlet to have a punt would be through the lottery which I remain vigilant against. Lockdown has broken my ability to gamble but I had placed the blocks to stop me before hand and they will remain once the restrictions have been lifted.

I believe that today’s circumstances are testing many folks reserve because time, idle time is a dangerous thing for addiction to find itself, it will offer itself as relief and a way to find enjoyment and financial gain, all of which once active prove unfounded to the gambling addict because no win will fill the void, the desire or be enjoyed by the participant. I have worn those shoes right through to my socks and more.

 The distraction an episode of gambling offered my life made the return to life incredibly increasingly difficult because I would invariably have a new hole to fill and one of my own creation. The promise of never feeling that self loathing and inner turmoil short lived because facing the truth never a promising option, so the urge to escape grew and episode after episode the return to life seemed pointless and the circle of opportunity decreased and self worth with it.  
I have written before I felt like whilst active that every day I boarded a train headed for a cliff and just as I was about to career over the edge the train would take a sharp turn, emotionally I would be hammered yet somehow buoyed by the near total destruction I faced, then I would jump on the same train at the first opportunity 

why??

did I want to plummet over? At times without doubt, did I enjoy it? Never 

but whilst active change would seem impossible 

abstinent I see a better picture, there’s no cliff just destinations ahead, I have the ability to hop on and off, the train is full of like minded folk who share the same goal, to arrest the next punt.

 I salute you all, there’s room for everyone, there’s no cost to the ticket, we have all paid our dues and some 

with honour and strength 

just for today 

Duncs 

DMac,

Loved reading that. You’re in a good place and things will only get better.

My hair is growing in at a tremendous rate as normal and I’m not looking so crazed. I agree only hairdressers should cut hair and I won’t be opening for business as a part time hairdresser anytime soon. We were all laughing at each other in the days after.

Ive been a bit quiet in the last week or so. Just getting back into the swing of being at work which is a bit bizarre. Businesses are back but nobody can get anything done which has been frustrating.

Ive been king of the barbecues today. Tremendous feast and a full tummy. The weather is great and I appreciate today as a great day.

Take care.

RR

Hi Duncs,

Another post full of wisdom and good food for thought. I am pleased to read you're living life on its terms. Sometimes we over complicate things...its easy to trip and slip to old thinking and behaviours.

I am glad you're keeping the positive and clear outlook in life. Accepting addiction and welcoming recovery with open arms!

Thats the only way forward.

Wish you well, have a good day.

S&B xx

Dear diary 

thanks Sandra for dropping by your words fill my heart with more sense of positive purpose.

I have dug out the deep rooted reasons I have sought addiction to try to normalise the way I think I should feel for the greater part of my life, I am beginning to understand myself, I understand the triggers which send my mind racing and ultimately seeking to flick that fookety f**k switch and seek to use to try and find normality and from it completion and contentment, all of which a very temporary change of circumstances may bring in the moment but a much greater fallout of damage long term  of which gambling I believe of all the addictions I have fed the worst, because there are no obvious physical signs of a functioning addict, the greater part of damage is mental wellbeing and through the shame of having no control the way I sought help was to plan,plot and practice deception, first and foremost to myself, to make up stories and reasons for my shortcomings and then to take those farcical tales and feed them to the world to cover the void gambling left financially, and morally.

eight years ago when I came here I sought redemption for my actions, I foolishly thought that time off gambling should reverse immediately the lies,the loss and I could achieve this by simply not gambling.

yes abstinence works to eradicate the immediate destruction and loss but life remained deeply entrenched with issues I didn’t face because without change I would at times behave like a gambler even if I didn’t physically gamble.

today I am working those steps, not ticking step one and going straight to step eight because the rest, well I didn’t need to work those, I admitted a problem, made amends where possible and only financially and I was good to go.

 The steps will have the impact of giving me the best opportunity to be the best version of myself, to accept who I am and the way my mind works and not seek things I am unable to control or change.

 The result is purpose and I feel less unworthy and more capable to seek change, to understand the value of breaking the cycle.

as a result I have just spent a wonderful 40 hours with my beloved wife and our hounds, from that moments of pure happiness. 
recovery is purposeful and I understand it’s value today and the effort I will dedicate to living in it’s walls.

 I am as a result safe and healthy 

just for today that’s enough 

Duncs

evening dear diary 

I like to remind myself often that I am equal, that to work recovery with everyone counting as equal is very important to me, to not judge because I am not ashamed to say I struggle when judgement is cast upon myself.

one thing I struggle with in life is the constant need for folk to out trump one another, always having a blacker cat surely is impossible and I just want to be heard at times rather than having things seen as competition.

 I remind myself with the question posed in a GA room a was sat in 

Which is worse?

 The compulsive gambler on minimum wage who gambled the money needed to facilitate the simple needs in life that are often taken for granted like eating and laundering the families clothing 

or 

The millionaire football professional who throws hundreds of thousands of pounds a week on anything that moves 

the answer is surely neither, each case is equal, there’s no hierarchy when it comes to the compulsion to gamble, the outcome to the addict is self destruction of the life they have, their mental wellbeing will suffer equally, gambling addiction is not prejudiced it takes all comers, it treats everyone equally with the same distain and wants all that is available and more.

gambling addiction is a leveller, through recovery my ego shrinks, I stop procrastinating and talking s@h@te.

 I am privileged to stand side by side with so many folk who seek the same, to end the self destruction and rediscover life.

 I write to remind myself, I am mindful of circumstance. My desire to share unconditional 

strength and honour the outcome 

just for today 

Duncs 

You make alot of sense dunks no matter what we loose or how much we need it  it's down to the way it makes us feel in the head and that feeling we have in the stomach known what wheve done and for what

Morning dear diary 

thanks for popping by Kev those words I wrote help to remind me that everyone is equal, and as a result hold great value.

to have value through finding purpose is today my goal, to give my all to everything I do brings an ever greater growing understanding of the true value of my own mental wellbeing. I have stopped questioning myself as a result, I have stopped polarising every action of others, I am trying to act in a selfless way rather than selfish which gifts an inner calm and ability to live life on it’s terms Without question. I am humbled by the kindness and caring attitude of folk, I understand the value in looking after myself foremost and as a result I am better placed to look after others.

 The current circumstances of life have had a profound impact on my life because I have been able to actually start running my own race as it were, I have taken away the things that became important for no good reason and I have replaced them with the things that are important for the right reasons.

 I am not ashamed to be kind to myself, I have a greater self worth and belief as a result.

the last episode of gambling had such a destructive impact on my life circumstances I was able to strip myself bare, the wounds are healing and I will not hide the scars.

recovery is all consuming, I am truly committed and enjoying the opportunity it brings. 
I am no longer concerned about gaining solely time between myself and my last punt, today I understand that the rewards are endless if I remain committed 

addiction has dominated enough of my life, I admit it had me licked, I admit I am powerless when I feed it’s call.

it was my crutch, I am learning to live unaided, to face life rather than run the opposite way, yes I accept that life tests my resolve often, equally I accept that whatever the inner addict whispers, feeding it is simply never going to make it right.

just for today I did not gamble 

Duncs

stepping forward never back.

Afternoon dear diary 

A day of r and r today, did the banking and paperwork for work this morning and picked up the hounds and Sarah and I ran them and now a day of relaxing, eating something delicious and later a stroll through the woods with the hounds. A day without distress or the call of addiction trying to regain my mind.

 I think about addiction today rather than thinking about feeding it, I have a different relationship forming with addiction, I am beginning to understand better the triggers that drive me to want to feed it, I am beginning to understand that I have the ability to navigate through any situation without flipping the switch. I accept that I broke myself through repeating the same actions expecting something to change. Feeding addiction offered me a release but no fairytale ending. 
today I seek neither, today I look for purpose and through this change of actions I have less stress and internally I appear to lessen the turmoil that has had the effect of a wrecking ball for the greater part of my life.

 The world outside my window again seems to be at war with itself.

 I accept that I cannot change the outcome of that.

just for today 

Duncs 

I'm glad your doing well duncs and enjoying life without the strain and destruction of gambling. At the moment I'm still suffering the wreckage of my last gamble on the 24th of April as it just keeps comming back and destroying the progress I've made but like yourself I won't be and repeat won't be gambling again as that was my worst to date and most destructive as you said I've been stripped bare nowhere else to hide no more damage to be done. As as the wise words of a very wise and cleaver man, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. For a lot off years that's been my approach but when you've nothing left but regret then my friend the only way is to have a blank canvas and start again!  Have a good day my friend 

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by Kev, I feel for the folk here who gambled online, I fed my addiction only in person in the bookmakers so lockdown has broken my ability to gamble in person although I took the steps to self exclude before the current circumstances were put in place. I accept that I could still find ways to gamble, as I have written the lottery was the way I normalised gambling many times and I had to break the triangle in other ways. 
for me handing control of the finances has been the solution, because it’s having a profound impact, not just in the respect of the ability to gamble but equally it’s how I spend my hard earned, I had a horrific relationship with money, it held no purpose, it was simply something I abused and blamed everyone except myself in doing so. Today it’s purposeful, I have a relationship similar to the one I have with everything, I am beginning to understand that I actually don’t have to spend it without good reason, I have created better choices as a result.

 I had my weekly GA meeting tonight on WhatsApp with one of the four rooms I have attended since I committed wholly and without doubt it was the best meeting Since lockdown began, raw and honest and a dose of medicine that I will use to feed my desire to create change, to become the best version of myself.

it’s without doubt in my mind that the past week has been testing for many addicts and I pondered earlier the news that high street bookmakers are opening next week yet GA meetings will not be able to reconnect in person. There’s something quite sobering in that.

 I don’t blame the business owners I think that the guidelines are distorted at best and today I understand the value of self exclusion rather than self destruction.

just for today I choose not to gamble 

Duncs

Evening dear diary 

I have had a productive day today for the simple fact that I have shared my recovery with my wife, as a result I believe that equally through doing so my wife is letting go of her own trauma as a result and we are moving forward with a profoundly different outlook on life and what it will be. I accept that I cannot change my previous actions but I can learn and understand how to make better choices in the future. Recovery today is as all consuming as living with active addiction the outcome is the opposite ends of a spectrum.

As a result I am all in

just for today 

Duncs 

Good evening Duncan,

As always, a thought provoking post which always asks me questions of myself. For that i am grateful as you allow me (through your words) to explore my own mind. This is something that i struggled with in my early days.

Kindest regards to the family and hounds!

Best

Morning dear diary 

A beautiful day, the sunshine seems to lift everyone’s mood, folk returned a good morning, folk less agitated by the circumstances of life we’ve found ourselves in. So there’s an advertisement in the window of the local bookmakers that I cycle past at least twice a day announcing that it will be open for business on Monday, for me I am grateful that I am excluded from this and every other bookmakers in cycling distance of my workplace and where I live. I used to beat myself up about feeling excluded, like I had something taken from me against my will. Hard done by at the thought that I wasn’t given control, but the truth is I am when feeding addiction totally out of control, my rational thinking loses itself in the fog of addiction. By taking away the ability to gamble in every way possible willingly I find myself in a new mindset, I don’t hold anger or relief I just feed a growing purpose. I don’t want bookmakers to close, equally I don’t want the challenge of being able to enter one being a possibility however remote, I understand today the power I gave addiction by leaving the door unlocked, yes previous actions over the past eight years have shut the door but never locked it. I have seen many reactions to having the ability to gamble taken away from within myself and today I can honestly say I fully understand why gambling is unhealthy on every level for me, the outcome more than financial loss, the short term emotional escape or high just feeds horrendous thoughts and a mindset that shuts off my ability to be responsible. Equally I am mindful that addiction has had a part to play in my life, it has been my coping mechanism, in times of turmoil it’s distracted me from the place I thought many times I would find myself, standing silent defeated in wait for that speeding train, today I am seeking an alternative, a complete overhaul of my life and the way I live it, to communicate openly and honestly, to dedicate my time with purposeful actions, to be happy to commit or decline in equal measure.

today I am sober in every sense of the word, yes there’s potholes and every now and then I will tread in something unpleasant, but I accept that I am entitled to enjoy the sun when it shines.

my advice today is when you are ready relinquish your ability to let addiction to control your actions and thinking as a result take every measure available, it’s empowering beyond belief.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I have had a day of paperwork today, banking and planning for the immediate future for work, hospitality is an ever changing business due to the current circumstances of life and we are trying to keep ahead of the pack, the fact that we changed to a delivery service and can’t let customers through the door worked well but with other similar businesses following suit the market space is pretty saturated and I am looking for other avenues. It’s been a very good learning curve, I am thankful for the opportunity because it’s helped greatly with my mindset and it kind of mirrors the way I am looking to live my life in every way possible moving forward. To adapt and grow and respect and not to seek short term gains are life choices I work upon.

 I hope equally that with the lifting of restrictions I will soon be able to get back into the GA rooms in person, I really appreciate what I get in the rooms and am genuinely excited at the prospect of visiting as many as possible when we are again allowed to do so.

 I have been reminded a great deal in recent days about what my relationship with gambling was and how it damaged my life, for me the financial loss has always been the least contending factor, I have never measured how bad things are by way of how much money has been lost in an episode because I accept that I would gamble whatever was available, I would decimate the bank account and seek to gain money by any means to carry on with an episode and then the worst of me would seek to replace the lost money in the aftermath by lying, deceiving and kidding myself that everything was ok. So how much I lost doesn’t become the main factor of damage, money quite simply is the easiest thing to replace. And active addiction even when dormant through lack of fuel/money to feed it just had a cycle of repetition of which I foolishly believed that the outcome would one day would change.

I have rarely written figures of my financial loss as a result because I equally believe it gives addiction an opportunity to seek the addict in my brains attention. Because no matter how much I have lost through gambling in my life someone suffering from the same addiction will have lost more money and as a result addiction would be telling me that I could therefore justify gambling more.

A question posed with regards to whose addiction is worse asked in a GA room gave the best answer 

which is worse the fella on minimum wage with a wife and kids was given the washing and the money for the laundromat and rather than wash the clothes for the week the money was gambled away and the washing taken home dirty and worn again, or is it the millionaire footballer who waged his huge salary and was greatly in debt because they tried to sell the world the story that life was beautiful.

 The answer they are equal 

the destruction brought by gambling addiction is ruthless, it shows no prejudice, it will take everything and more, it will harm the addict mentally equally and hurt the folk around them equally.

So money is the fuel nothing more.

 I remind myself with this often 

how do you make a compulsive gambler into a millionaire??

simple start them off as a billionaire....

just for today 

Duncs