Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary 

A beautiful day, the sunshine seems to lift everyone’s mood, folk returned a good morning, folk less agitated by the circumstances of life we’ve found ourselves in. So there’s an advertisement in the window of the local bookmakers that I cycle past at least twice a day announcing that it will be open for business on Monday, for me I am grateful that I am excluded from this and every other bookmakers in cycling distance of my workplace and where I live. I used to beat myself up about feeling excluded, like I had something taken from me against my will. Hard done by at the thought that I wasn’t given control, but the truth is I am when feeding addiction totally out of control, my rational thinking loses itself in the fog of addiction. By taking away the ability to gamble in every way possible willingly I find myself in a new mindset, I don’t hold anger or relief I just feed a growing purpose. I don’t want bookmakers to close, equally I don’t want the challenge of being able to enter one being a possibility however remote, I understand today the power I gave addiction by leaving the door unlocked, yes previous actions over the past eight years have shut the door but never locked it. I have seen many reactions to having the ability to gamble taken away from within myself and today I can honestly say I fully understand why gambling is unhealthy on every level for me, the outcome more than financial loss, the short term emotional escape or high just feeds horrendous thoughts and a mindset that shuts off my ability to be responsible. Equally I am mindful that addiction has had a part to play in my life, it has been my coping mechanism, in times of turmoil it’s distracted me from the place I thought many times I would find myself, standing silent defeated in wait for that speeding train, today I am seeking an alternative, a complete overhaul of my life and the way I live it, to communicate openly and honestly, to dedicate my time with purposeful actions, to be happy to commit or decline in equal measure.

today I am sober in every sense of the word, yes there’s potholes and every now and then I will tread in something unpleasant, but I accept that I am entitled to enjoy the sun when it shines.

my advice today is when you are ready relinquish your ability to let addiction to control your actions and thinking as a result take every measure available, it’s empowering beyond belief.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I have had a day of paperwork today, banking and planning for the immediate future for work, hospitality is an ever changing business due to the current circumstances of life and we are trying to keep ahead of the pack, the fact that we changed to a delivery service and can’t let customers through the door worked well but with other similar businesses following suit the market space is pretty saturated and I am looking for other avenues. It’s been a very good learning curve, I am thankful for the opportunity because it’s helped greatly with my mindset and it kind of mirrors the way I am looking to live my life in every way possible moving forward. To adapt and grow and respect and not to seek short term gains are life choices I work upon.

 I hope equally that with the lifting of restrictions I will soon be able to get back into the GA rooms in person, I really appreciate what I get in the rooms and am genuinely excited at the prospect of visiting as many as possible when we are again allowed to do so.

 I have been reminded a great deal in recent days about what my relationship with gambling was and how it damaged my life, for me the financial loss has always been the least contending factor, I have never measured how bad things are by way of how much money has been lost in an episode because I accept that I would gamble whatever was available, I would decimate the bank account and seek to gain money by any means to carry on with an episode and then the worst of me would seek to replace the lost money in the aftermath by lying, deceiving and kidding myself that everything was ok. So how much I lost doesn’t become the main factor of damage, money quite simply is the easiest thing to replace. And active addiction even when dormant through lack of fuel/money to feed it just had a cycle of repetition of which I foolishly believed that the outcome would one day would change.

I have rarely written figures of my financial loss as a result because I equally believe it gives addiction an opportunity to seek the addict in my brains attention. Because no matter how much I have lost through gambling in my life someone suffering from the same addiction will have lost more money and as a result addiction would be telling me that I could therefore justify gambling more.

A question posed with regards to whose addiction is worse asked in a GA room gave the best answer 

which is worse the fella on minimum wage with a wife and kids was given the washing and the money for the laundromat and rather than wash the clothes for the week the money was gambled away and the washing taken home dirty and worn again, or is it the millionaire footballer who waged his huge salary and was greatly in debt because they tried to sell the world the story that life was beautiful.

 The answer they are equal 

the destruction brought by gambling addiction is ruthless, it shows no prejudice, it will take everything and more, it will harm the addict mentally equally and hurt the folk around them equally.

So money is the fuel nothing more.

 I remind myself with this often 

how do you make a compulsive gambler into a millionaire??

simple start them off as a billionaire....

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

had a busy week so far and sold out for our delivery service on Sunday, a full book of orders for either a roast lamb dinner for 4 or a ploughman’s platter, so I have been busy putting the bits and pieces together to ensure that the folk we serve have a good day as a result. I enjoyed a couple of evenings with Sarah and the hounds something that we will make permanent in the coming months, I have laid the foundations of a better set of life circumstances for us over the past four months and will continue to seek better ways to understand the inner workings of my mind and mental wellbeing as a result.

hopefully the rooms will open again in the coming weeks, I have genuinely missed the connection to recovery they bring, rooms full of knowledge, wisdom and a shared desire to see folk arrest that next fateful punt unconditionally and for the want of nothing in return. A far cry from the attitude of myself when actively feeding addiction.

humbling and worth so much more than the two quid asked to contribute to the room hire every meeting, in fact the value of those rooms are priceless.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by Ford, I am humbled by your kindness, keep on keeping on fella life without gambling will improve and your mental wellbeing with it.

tough day today long hours and busy trying to prepare for reopening next weekend with a strange underlying feeling about doing so, the general attitude appears to be that life has returned to normal, folk getting too close, large gatherings in the park I exercise in and the roads and litter everywhere would have you soon forget that the world was a better place only a few weeks ago. Truthfully it makes me feel quite sad the general disregard that folk give to the environment and others with it. I am applying the 2m social distancing in our business, yes the footfall will be less but until it’s recognised as safe not economics making the rules we have decided to continue working the way we have for the past 13 weeks. My teeth are playing up again I will look to find a dentist this week, hopefully I can find one taking patients and I can finally fix the mess in the back of my mouth, the legacy of my excess use as a teenager.

still gamble free, passing 150 days quietly was nice, those days I know count for little if change is not sort.

 I have turned my life upside down, every day I work hard on my failures and am willingly giving to change. My life undoubtably was unmanageable when actively gambling.

yes it’s tough to get through some days without using addiction to escape, but I know this, whatever life throws my way, the worst day will never measure up to my worst day 

I take great heart from that 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hey good stuff on your gamble free time. 

and yes am starting to think about going to the dentist as well, now they are starting to open up. Iv'e kind of got use to the hole in the front of my face, especially as i have no pain, but if the NHS wants to put an implant in i'd be very happy. One consequence of losing a tooth is that I am looking after my teeth properly now, brushing regular and mouth wash. I no longer spit out blood.

I agree that people are getting lax about the virus. I couldn't believe the scene's on Bournemouth beach. How could people be so selfish. Its almost akin to get yourself a tan and then go home and put grandma in intensive care.

Just for today

Hi Duncs

Massive well done on g free time! Brick by brick

Keep looking after yourself

Best wishes to you & family

S&B xx

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by, community and communication are two amazing outcomes of recovery.

 I am in from a very busy weeks graft, we didn’t reopen yesterday we put back our opening a week because we are simply not ready to receive customers in 3D. I am so pleased that my boss took the decision to do so because it’s without doubt the sensible outcome. Safety is the first priority, beyond money, everything.

this is something wholly new founded, the previous establishments I have worked for would have opened and simply done so for economic reasons.

A great deal like my gambling life, to take risks and uneducated unreasoned actions because I needed fuel , I would tell anyone anything they needed to hear to supply me the ability to fund another episode.

today I am working on educating my mind to live without the destruction, without self harming 

the outcome is profound

just for today 

Duncs 

Dear Duncan,

I am so happy to see you turning over the scoreboard so nicely - not far off that double Century!

Whereas some people will sadly crumble, you are clearly grafting your way though this crisis. Your resolve is admirable and you are a credit to you family and employers.

Obviously I have not been that active on the forum lately as I begin to focus more on "life," but I quietly follow your diary and a few others and am behind every step of your journey.

I wish you and your family every bit of health, happiness and contentment that your resolve truly merits.

Best wishes,

Mark

Evening dear diary 

markman great to hear from you fella I am glad that life treats you well and long may it continue.

 I have not posted for a week or so purely because I have been working hard, our food operation reopened last week and we have equally been busy building a separate kitchen to enable us to continue our delivery service into the future.

aside from that the actions of my life of addiction continues to have an effect on those I hold dear, our eldest son is struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have let him down and sadly it’s having a detrimental impact on his mental health and wellbeing.

 I accept that I cannot change the circumstances of my past actions, I can just continue to relentlessly work on my recovery and believe that I will as a result have a positive impact on the folk I hold dear. I have been working through the 12 step booklets I got through GA and will look to start working them with a sponsor whenever the current circumstances of life allow me to do so.

in the mean time the online meetings are helping give therapy and I hope to meet up with some of the members of one of the fellowships I attend in person on Sunday in an open space if I finish work in time to do so.

the support network is holding strong through the pandemic, sadly a couple of members have succumbed to addiction, something I am mindful that the bookmakers are open for business even though we cannot attend meetings in person, there’s something quite ironic in that, all I can do is be ready to support those who want support when the circumstances change. For me self exclusion is a tool that is proving of great value, I hadn’t done so in the past eight years and today I understand it’s value.

fitness still provides a great source of healthy escape, 30 minutes to a hour most days pushing myself through some vigorous exercise is a wonderful way to let go of my mind, the gym I belong to opens next week and I will leave it a few days and start enjoying the equipment again. 
lastly my dear friend I am a bit confused by the new measures that are being introduced to the public over the pandemic, my wife works in a supermarket and has continued to work throughout the course of lockdown without any PPE, yet now 17 weeks into lockdown we have been told it’s going to be law to wear a face covering.

three weeks after restaurants have reopened where customers will spend a greater length of time yet without face coverings.

utterly contradictory in my mind 

yet I will be compliant as I have to the other restrictions, something that I can say has to date kept me from harms way.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

ford thanks for popping by keep seeking change for the better fella.

 I often am left with the feeling that I am second best, everyone’s second choice in life, it’s something that addiction loves, it’s rides through my mind with the offer of giving me the sense of belonging. I accept that I am what I am, that I have isolated myself from the world for so long that I am often the odd one out in the room.

today the difference is I am truly becoming comfortable with myself, I am no longer trying to escape from myself, I am actually happy to spend time alone and don’t need to seek escape. Life, more importantly my life has purpose.

just for today that’s enough 

Duncs

Good Morning Dunc,

You continue to make progress and work on yourself. Its good to read.

Take care.

RR

Evening dear diary 

again today I have given my best to my work, to the way I approach life. The result is another week in which I haven’t felt an anger towards the world.

 I have put the trauma I have experienced in my life into words, as a result I have forgiven those who brought the trauma and forgiven myself for not finding the courage to do so before now. I accept that I sought to escape the outcome, to seek escape through addiction for more than 30 years when the inner turmoil within my own mind made life seem utterly unmanageable. Addiction has without doubt saved me from myself and the ultimate escape.

 I sit 170 days sober in every way, I used to reward myself for a 75 hour working week by consuming alcohol, alcohol that over the past eight years replaced gambling, alcohol has been a constant source of escape for 30 years, funny because equally alcohol consumption is viewed as normal by many. For me alcohol was a form of abuse, I would drink no not to enjoy, I would drink to escape from myself.

tonight I have treated myself to an iced tea and half an hour’s posting here, shortly I will walk our beloved hounds with my beautiful wife over the golf course, Sarah is staying over for the next four nights, our schedules of work allow us some real quality time for two days after tomorrow. The first for over a month.

to write those words are better than the bottom of any bottle, any winning punt, the high of those substances that have been consumed 

I will do well to remember that.

just for today 

Duncs 

it’s not the scars that define my life, it’s the ability to live with them unaffecting tomorrow.

Good Morning Dunc,

Fabulous to read that you’re doing well, working hard and focused on today and the journey ahead. Sounds like you have a nice life balance going on there.

RR

Duncan, good evening.

I note it has been 2 weeks since your last post. Checking on your welfare and hoping all is well.

Best

Dearest diary 

thanks for your words of kindness guy’s I am truly humbled.

 I have neglected you dear diary no post for two weeks, I was busy readying our business for the eat out to help out campaign starting on Monday something that we hoped would give us an opportunity to be rewarded for the hard work that we put in through lockdown.

we remained vigilant and vigorously disciplined to enable us all to remain safe and in good health.

 I woke up in the small hours of Thursday morning and wondered what had hit me, I felt like I had been hit in the head with a brick, I couldn’t move yet wondering if I had had some sort of a night terror because I was soaked, the bed soaked and from then to now I have been isolated fighting a battle, one where I have had some moments to test the very core of my resolve. I have been tested for the virus, I believe that this is just a formality. My body temperature has only got below 38 an hour or so ago and has hit 40 a couple of times, 111 have been a help, I have had a prescription sent today for some hefty pain relief. I am developing a hefty rash and I feel like I am in the ring with the undefeated and I have been clubbed, battered and I am hanging on hoping for that bell to ring.

so I should be asleep happy that I would get to enjoy a moment in the sun next week to add to the effort I have given my job selflessly throughout the pandemic. Yet I am sidelined for how long?? Nobody can answer that.

how did I catch it?? I have an idea I will share when the result is back from the test.

 I have lived in the school of hard knocks for a long time, I will be honest with myself this is pretty devastating.

 I passed six months without escape, my day count of sobriety grows

I will not loose sight of that, it’s strength has been my guide 

just for today 

stay safe and don’t put yourselves in harms way, it’s not worth the pain believe me I believe I have a real life insight into the power of the pandemic.

Duncs